nutty sagitarious advice of treating yourself like crap so you can bounce back from feeling like crap????????
By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES [March 21–April 19] Symbolically speaking, there is a Holy Grail hidden close to you, and you know it, but you haven't been able to find it. The Grail is a golden chalice filled with medicine that could open what needs opening in you. Luckily, you will soon come into possession (symbolically speaking) of a big, thick magical wand that can give you a new advantage. Here's what I conclude: Use your wizard stick to locate the cup of wonder so you can take a big sip.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] Much of the work you're doing right now is invisible to the naked eye, maybe even to your own naked eye. You're learning a lot while you sleep, drawing sustenance from hidden reservoirs even when you're awake, and steadily improving yourself through the arts of creative forgetting. Continue this subtle artistry, Taurus. Be cagey. Be discreet.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] Either Way I'm Celebrating. That's the title of a poetry comic book by Sommer Browning, and I suggest that you consider it as a worthy title for your life in the coming days. The adventure you're in the midst of could evolve in several possible directions, each with a different rhythm and tone, each with a distinct lesson and climax. But regardless of what path you end up taking, I'm almost positive you will have good reasons to throw yourself a party at the end. Having said that, though, I also advise you to decide which version of the story you prefer, then make it your strong intention to materialize it.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] During the skunk mating season, two robust members of the species made the crawl space beneath my house their trysting place. The result was spectacular. Siren-like squalls rose from their ecstasy, spiraling up into my kitchen accompanied by plumes of a stench that I imagined the Italian poet Dante, in his book The Inferno, might have identified as native to the ninth level of hell. Being as instinctively empathic as I am, I naturally appreciated how much delight the creatures were enjoying. At the same time, I wished they would take their revelry elsewhere. So I called on the Humane Society, an animal rescue group, to flush them out without harming them. If anything resembling this scenario takes place in your sphere, Cancerian—if someone's pursuit of happiness cramps your style—I suggest you adopt my gentle but firm approach.
LEO [July 23–August 22] Astronomer Sir Fred Hoyle rejected the prevailing scientific theory that life on this planet emerged by accident from a primordial soup. The chance of that happening was as likely as "a tornado sweeping through a junkyard [and assembling] a Boeing 747 from the materials therein." I do think that something less amazing, but still semi-miraculous, is in the works for you, Leo. What do you imagine it might be? I'm getting a vision of a windy thunderstorm blowing through a junkyard in such a way as to assemble an impressionistic sculpture of you wearing a crown of flowers and X-Ray Specs as you ride confidently on the back of a lion.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] In the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz, the yellow brick road symbolizes a path leading to all of life's answers, to a place where fantasies can be fulfilled. Dorothy and her companions follow that road in the belief it will take them to the all-powerful Wizard of Oz in the Emerald City. While I don't mind you playing with the idea that you may eventually find your own personal yellow brick road, for the immediate future I urge you to adopt the attitude Elton John articulated in his song "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road": "Oh I've finally decided my future lies beyond the yellow brick road." It's time to add more nuts-and-bolts pragmatism to your pursuit of happiness.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] You may face opposition in your attempts to foment redemption, smoke out hope, and rally the troops, Libra. I urge you to be extra fierce in your devotion to peace, love, and understanding.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] Of all the adversaries I will ever face, my ego is the supreme challenge. It tries to trick me into thinking its interests are exactly the same as my own. It periodically strives to bamboozle me into believing that I should be motivated by pride, competitiveness, selfishness, or judgmental evaluations of other people. When I'm not vigilant, it lulls me into adopting narrow perspectives and subjective theories that are rife with delusions about the nature of reality. Don't get me wrong: I still love my ego. Indeed, being on good terms with it is my only hope for keeping it from manipulating me. I bring this up, Scorpio, because it's prime time for you to come to a riper understanding of your own ego so you can work out a tougher, more no-nonsense agreement with it.
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] Sagittarian author Derrick Jensen wrote the book A Language Older Than Words. He weaves together the tale of his abusive childhood with an angry analysis of the damage human beings have done to the earth and each other. It's a wrenching text, but in the end it offers redemption. I invite you to pursue a similar possibility, Sagittarius. Summon the courage to allow your heart to be broken by a catharsis that will ultimately heal your heart so it's even stronger and smarter than it was before the breaking.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] Right now you may be feeling especially squeezed by one of the apparent contradictions in your life. But I'm here to tell you that it's not as contradictory as you think. Its seemingly paradoxical elements are in righteous harmony with each other at a higher level of understanding. Can you rise to that higher level so as to see what has been hidden from your view? I believe you can. For best results, let go of any temptation you might have to act as if you're oppressively defined by your past.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] Psychologist and priest David Rickey counsels people who are about to be married. "You are perfectly mismatched," he likes to tell them. "As much as you think you have chosen each other because of beauty or shared interests, the deeper reason is that unconsciously you know the other person is going to push your buttons. And the purpose of relationships is for you to discover and work on your buttons." You see, Aquarius, you're in a phase when you have extraordinary power to learn from and adjust to the challenges that come from having your buttons pushed by those you care about.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] In his song "Crazy," British singer Seal repeats the following line numerous times for emphasis: "We're never going to survive unless we get a little crazy." I recommend it as a mantra for you to rely on in the coming days. Your emotional health will depend on your ability to laugh at yourself, play along with absurdity, and cultivate a grateful reverence for cosmic riddles. Being a little crazy will not only keep you robustly sane; it will also allow you to enjoy and capitalize on the divine comedy life presents you with.