By Jared Chausow
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Comic provocateur Roseanne Barr has not only returned to reality TV with the Lifetime show Roseanne's Nuts, set on her lushly productive farm in Hawaii, but she's also seeking larger dominance as the Green Tea Party candidate for president in 2012.
I just called our future leader for her secrets on politics, TV, celebrity justice, and trail mix.
Me: Hi, Roseanne. You're not thrilled with Obama?
Roseanne: The president is just a figurehead. He has to answer to bankers. But when I'm sitting in the White House, it's gonna change. I'm gonna make war illegal, then make all lobbying illegal and legalize hemp and marijuana. Whatever I can't figure out, I'll get from big experts at MIT—people that have answers. I want 100 percent geniuses, no lobbyists. And 53 percent women, to reflect the character of the country. Also a lot of poor people. I'm thinking of voting an entirely new government in rather than be part of our crumbling, rotting, unfixable one.
Me: Who do you want for vice president—Woody Harrelson?
Roseanne: I do like him. I admire quite a few people. Maybe Nader. Maybe Cynthia McKinney [who got Roseanne's vote for president last time]. I like the idea of "co-president," but the way I'm looking at it is maybe run for prime minister and return to a parliamentary constitution type monarchy.
Me: But we had a revolution to get away from that.
Roseanne: And that was a good revolution and it worked for a long time, but once they put the Federal Reserve in, it wasn't the same country. We should return to our roots and start over every generation, like Tom Jefferson advised. We can't just be the servant class of bankers. I'd like to be queen, and not just of the United States. I'd like to throw all the bums out and replace them with wonderful grandmothers who care about the planet.
Me: But what about women who've never had children or grandchildren? Shouldn't they be included?
Roseanne: Absolutely. I don't think a woman has to have children in order to be a genius, or what I call a va-genius. There are va-geniuses of all stripes. As long as they're willing to seek a solution, I want them.
Me: Transgender included, right?
Roseanne: Those are among the smartest people in the world. I grew up with several of them in Salt Lake City. It's not that rare. I want anyone that thinks.
Me: And free thinkers respect you. In fact, you're the first reality star to be honest about the genre's B.S. quotient.
Roseanne: I always said it was 100 percent fake reality. I had that other show [the short-lived The Real Roseanne], which was really fake reality. This one is 100 percent fake reality, but it's got its tongue in its cheek and it really takes off. I'm living the way I really live in that I am farming and I do speak with God and I am directed by God to run for president.
Me: Wait, you don't believe in separation of church and state?
Roseanne: I do. And I believe God is urging me to preserve separation of church and state.
Me: She is?
Roseanne: She is. She's saying that's the only way a government can work. God is pretty much a tree. Trees and nature—all that stuff talks to you if you listen.
Me: You sound a little like Barbara Walters.
Roseanne: Please don't accuse me of that. At least I know what oral sex is!
Me: Speaking of intimacy, you found your man, Johnny Argent, on your blog, roseanneworld.com.
Roseanne: He found me. I had a contest to discover some writers. I was blown away by his writing. He was a composer of children's music for a school. I bought some of his songs, and that's how we met. We talked online for six months. We have a good mind meld. He's helped me step outside the artificial skin you get after you have some fame. He calls me a spoiled Hollywood asshole. There are times I really need to hear that. I always thought I'd tell a man what to do, but he's very wise and I can trust his opinion.
Me: Do you just grow macadamia nuts together?
Roseanne: Yes, but also pineapples and taro. My goal was to rid my place of all invasive species and return it to the native species. That's the struggle everywhere on earth. Mac nuts are such great protein. You only need four to six nuts and you've got your energy.
Me: I feel so urban. I just get takeout.
Roseanne: I know everybody can't get a big farm, but to reconnect, you can get a garbage pail and grow potatoes. It keeps you smart to remember that things don't come from money, they come from seeds.
Me: Let's end with a Florida nut named Casey Anthony.
Roseanne: They had 10 times the evidence other people are sitting on Death Row for! A lot of it is because cable television made her a celebrity and they don't like to convict celebrities. Part of what worked for her—and O.J.—is selecting a jury of not too well-educated, barely above working class people that watch a lot of television, like CSI, and if they're religious, they don't want to judge, and then they go in and confuse them as to what reasonable doubt means.
I think they should replace juries with legal experts. When I'm president, we'll have huge discussions everywhere on how to improve justice. A third grader will come forth and will have everything figured out. At Science Fair!
Me: You're a va-genius!