Roseanne: God Is Telling Me To Run For President

Vote early and vote often for her.

Comic provocateur Roseanne Barr has not only returned to reality TV with the Lifetime show Roseanne's Nuts, set on her lushly productive farm in Hawaii, but she's also seeking larger dominance as the Green Tea Party candidate for president in 2012.

I just called our future leader for her secrets on politics, TV, celebrity justice, and trail mix.

Me: Hi, Roseanne. You're not thrilled with Obama?

Barr: Reality sets in.
Melissa Eagan/WNYC
Barr: Reality sets in.

Roseanne: The president is just a figurehead. He has to answer to bankers. But when I'm sitting in the White House, it's gonna change. I'm gonna make war illegal, then make all lobbying illegal and legalize hemp and marijuana. Whatever I can't figure out, I'll get from big experts at MIT—people that have answers. I want 100 percent geniuses, no lobbyists. And 53 percent women, to reflect the character of the country. Also a lot of poor people. I'm thinking of voting an entirely new government in rather than be part of our crumbling, rotting, unfixable one.

Me: Who do you want for vice president—Woody Harrelson?

Roseanne: I do like him. I admire quite a few people. Maybe Nader. Maybe Cynthia McKinney [who got Roseanne's vote for president last time]. I like the idea of "co-president," but the way I'm looking at it is maybe run for prime minister and return to a parliamentary constitution type monarchy.

Me: But we had a revolution to get away from that.

Roseanne: And that was a good revolution and it worked for a long time, but once they put the Federal Reserve in, it wasn't the same country. We should return to our roots and start over every generation, like Tom Jefferson advised. We can't just be the servant class of bankers. I'd like to be queen, and not just of the United States. I'd like to throw all the bums out and replace them with wonderful grandmothers who care about the planet.

Me: But what about women who've never had children or grandchildren? Shouldn't they be included?

Roseanne: Absolutely. I don't think a woman has to have children in order to be a genius, or what I call a va-genius. There are va-geniuses of all stripes. As long as they're willing to seek a solution, I want them.

Me: Transgender included, right?

Roseanne: Those are among the smartest people in the world. I grew up with several of them in Salt Lake City. It's not that rare. I want anyone that thinks.

Me: And free thinkers respect you. In fact, you're the first reality star to be honest about the genre's B.S. quotient.

Roseanne: I always said it was 100 percent fake reality. I had that other show [the short-lived The Real Roseanne], which was really fake reality. This one is 100 percent fake reality, but it's got its tongue in its cheek and it really takes off. I'm living the way I really live in that I am farming and I do speak with God and I am directed by God to run for president.

Me: Wait, you don't believe in separation of church and state?

Roseanne: I do. And I believe God is urging me to preserve separation of church and state.

Me: She is?

Roseanne: She is. She's saying that's the only way a government can work. God is pretty much a tree. Trees and nature—all that stuff talks to you if you listen.

Me: You sound a little like Barbara Walters.

Roseanne: Please don't accuse me of that. At least I know what oral sex is!

Me: Speaking of intimacy, you found your man, Johnny Argent, on your blog, roseanneworld.com.

Roseanne: He found me. I had a contest to discover some writers. I was blown away by his writing. He was a composer of children's music for a school. I bought some of his songs, and that's how we met. We talked online for six months. We have a good mind meld. He's helped me step outside the artificial skin you get after you have some fame. He calls me a spoiled Hollywood asshole. There are times I really need to hear that. I always thought I'd tell a man what to do, but he's very wise and I can trust his opinion.

Me: Do you just grow macadamia nuts together?

Roseanne: Yes, but also pineapples and taro. My goal was to rid my place of all invasive species and return it to the native species. That's the struggle everywhere on earth. Mac nuts are such great protein. You only need four to six nuts and you've got your energy.

Me: I feel so urban. I just get takeout.

Roseanne: I know everybody can't get a big farm, but to reconnect, you can get a garbage pail and grow potatoes. It keeps you smart to remember that things don't come from money, they come from seeds.

Me: Let's end with a Florida nut named Casey Anthony.

Roseanne: They had 10 times the evidence other people are sitting on Death Row for! A lot of it is because cable television made her a celebrity and they don't like to convict celebrities. Part of what worked for her—and O.J.—is selecting a jury of not too well-educated, barely above working class people that watch a lot of television, like CSI, and if they're religious, they don't want to judge, and then they go in and confuse them as to what reasonable doubt means.

I think they should replace juries with legal experts. When I'm president, we'll have huge discussions everywhere on how to improve justice. A third grader will come forth and will have everything figured out. At Science Fair!

Me: You're a va-genius!

musto@villagevoice.com

 
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18 comments
Ramona Fuller
Ramona Fuller

i cant believe this!! me and my sister just got two i-pads for $42.77 each and a $50 amazon card for $9. the stores want to keep this a secret and they dont tell you. Go here, http://bit.ly/nRehTZ

Red Black
Red Black

Yick. Barr is a reactionary and she doesn't even know it.

Ron Paul fan
Ron Paul fan

She's against war, the Federal Reserve, and catering to bankers. Will someone PLEASE tell Roseanne to Google "Ron Paul."

Azel Hill Beckner
Azel Hill Beckner

Who will run on the Mad Hatters's tea Party Ticket? More for everyone just print more money.

Marquel
Marquel

Fantastic interview! I don't agree with everything she says but it was fun and at least Roseanne is looking for help from thinkers and problem solvers, rather than the fuddy duddies who've destroyed our country.

Valmet49
Valmet49

Great, just what this country needs... a bi-polar unstable nut case in the White House. She can grab her crotch and sing the Star Spangle Banner on the White House steps. Her and Charley Sheen should do a sitcom together...

Guest
Guest

at one point in her career she lost focus or control but she's always been smart and it's refreshing to hear her speak because no one owns her. it's great to see her healthy and settled and she's saying some things that make sense. I really admire that she appears so calm after all she has been through.

guest
guest

She's funny, and she has some good ideas. War should be illegal. Poor folks are the majority and need to be heard. She might end up getting shot though-if you keep it too real, the man will take you out. We saw that with Malcolm, Martin, etc. The reason Barack Uncle Tom-a still is here and even was allowed to get elected is that he is the closest natural thing to a white woman that a black man ever was-if he had been any more unapologetic, strong, and acted like he had anything for Jesse to amputate I might be able to respect him but he would have been dead by now. What really would be cool is a Muslim woman who's a Black American, has a Cherokee grandmother, who had sons who were war veterans and who is a grandmother, and who was poor recently enough to know what an EBT card looks like and long enough to know what food stamps look like with a huge dose of common sense being president. We might need to go to Philadelphia to find a candidate that might actually heal this country-but the USA doesn't want healing, just a quick fix. Oh well, this is a penal colony anyway.

Hrh SisterFace
Hrh SisterFace

SHE'S OUR FABULOUS CRAZY ALL TOO FIERCE & SOO TRUE OF A DOLL NEIGHBOR. JUST ONE ISLAND OVER AND WE LOVE KNOWING SHE IS IN OUR BEAUTIFUL HAWAII... I HOPE WHEN LADY BUNNY COMES HERE IN SEPTEMBER... MS. DOLL MIGHT COME OVER TO WAIKIKI & SELL SOME NUTZZ FOR CHARITY... GOD BLESS HER & YOU KNOW WHAT... SHE MAKES SENSE & I WOULD VOTE HER IN... ALOHAS

M2004rm
M2004rm

I was never a big fan of Roseanne in the eighties. But I have to admit that she's hilarious and dead on-- particularly about the president as a figurehead. Her reaction to the sad reality of our feudal oligarchy is kind of anarchist Marx brothers; "If it's all just a bunch of bullshit I'm going to perform absurdist art piece in response."

Barkley
Barkley

I love her but she doesn't have a prayer.

Susan Anton
Susan Anton

haha!!! total brillz!! She has two of my votes! for Prez in 2012!

Libi
Libi

She sounds so rational it would be a shame to vote for anyone else.

Rolph
Rolph

Fantastic interview!! I love you and Roseanne both. YOU should be Vice President.

Tu Fisher
Tu Fisher

You mean the one "Ron Paul is trailing..."

Jack Arute
Jack Arute

It wouldn't matter. She clearly hates men.

 
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