By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES [March 21–April 19] "Don't be angry with the rain," counseled author Vladimir Nabokov. "It simply does not know how to fall upward." In the coming week, I advise you to apply that principle to a host of phenomena, Aries. Don't get all knotted up about any force of nature that insists on being itself, and don't waste your time trying to figure out how to disobey the law of gravity. It's fine if you find it amusing to go against the flow, but don't expect the flow to follow you in your rebellion.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] Where will you be in the latter half of 2016? What will you be doing? Now would be an excellent time to fantasize and meditate about questions like those. You're likely to have a good bit of intuitive foresight in the coming days. But even more importantly, you will have extra power to dream up potent visions for your best possible future and plant them as seeds in the bed of your subconscious mind.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] I believe you're close to getting permanent immunity from hell, Gemini. Take it as a metaphor if you like, but consider the possibility that there might soon come a time when you will never again be susceptible to getting dragged into the bottomless pit. You will receive the equivalent of a "Get out of jail free" card that forever guarantees your exemption from the worst of the nightmare realms.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] In "The Blood," an episode of the TV show Seinfeld, George tries to go for the trifecta: eating a pastrami sandwich and watching TV while having sex. His girlfriend isn't pleased about it, though, so the triple-intense pleasure doesn't materialize in the way George had hoped. But something akin to this scenario could work for you in the coming week, Cancerian. You will have a knack for stirring up more fun and pleasure that usual through the inventive use of multitasking.
LEO [July 23–August 22] In Wiccan circles, a "familiar" is a supernatural entity or magic animal that serves as a spirit ally. In Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy of fantasy books, the daemon plays a similar role: a shape-shifting creature that embodies a person's soul. This would be an excellent time for you to develop a closer relationship with a familiar or daemon, Leo. You have more hidden power than you realize, and it's a propitious time to call on it.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] Wheel of Fortune is a TV game show in which players vie to guess a mystery phrase that is revealed letter-by-letter. On one episode, a contestant solved the puzzle even though just one letter had been unveiled. The winning answer was "I've got a good feeling about this." From what I can tell, Virgo, you've got a similar aptitude these days, an ability to foresee how things are ultimately going to develop by extrapolating from a few clues. I encourage you to use your temporary superpower.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] You have about 100 billion neurons in your brain. That also happens to be the approximate number of stars in the Milky Way Galaxy. Coincidence? I think not. As the mystic dictum reminds us, "As above, so below." The macrocosm and microcosm are mirrors of each other. Everything that happens on a collective level has a personal impact. The better you know yourself, the more likely you are to understand how the world works. I urge you to be alert for concrete evidence of this principle, Libra. Your week will be successful if you make it your background meditation.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] "By the year 2021, the complete gratification of sexual desires will be as easy and stress-free as drinking a glass of water." That was one of 25 prophecies delivered to me by a polite, well-spoken madman I met on a July morning in a café in Earls Court, London, back in 1990. Sixteen of his other predictions have come true so far, so I'm thinking that the one about easy sexual gratification could turn out to be accurate as well. Until then, Scorpio, you might sometimes have to deal with periodic struggles in getting your needs met. Having said that, though, I'm happy to announce that the coming weeks are shaping up as one of your closest approximations to the supposed 2021 levels of erotic bliss.
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] The beauty contests in Saudi Arabia don't judge women on the basis of their physical appearance. A recent winner, Aya Ali al-Mulla, was crowned "Queen of Beautiful Morals" without ever revealing the face and form shrouded beneath her black head-to-toe garment. Instead, her excellence emerged during a series of psychological and social tests that evaluated her strength of character and service to family and society. I'd like to borrow this idea and apply it to you. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, you could and should be a paragon of moral beauty in the coming week.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] Filip Marinovich calls his poetry book And If You Don't Go Crazy I'll Meet You Here Tomorrow. I'm borrowing that title for this horoscope. If you don't go crazy in the coming days, Capricorn, I'll meet you here again next week. To be clear: There is an excellent chance you will be able to keep our appointment. The astrological omens suggest you'll call on reserves of wisdom that haven't been accessible before, and that alone could prevent you from a brush with lunacy. You're also primed to be nimble in your dealings with paradoxes, which, again, should keep you from descending into fairy-tale-style madness. But even if you do take a partial detour into the land of kooky, I think it will have an oddly healing effect on you.