Why I Hate Fashion! It's To Die From!

We have to hear 'I'm Too Sexy' again, and 40 other angry reasons

Another Fashion Week is approaching, and I'm all dressed up in my hate and accessorized with some bitter bows on top. Here's why I'm sick to my designer stomach:

The fashion biz always pressures you to lose weight, so you'll have to buy a whole new wardrobe every six months. ... The '60s and '80s are in a constant battle as to which decade will be the most regurgitated by designers drained of new ideas. ... Women get to wear all the fun clothes, I guess to make up for the fact that they have to bleed and give birth. ... The outfits that are mercilessly made fun of on TV and in the tabloids are always my favorite ones by far.

You can have the most incredible ensemble on earth, but according to the experts, it's completely worthless because the shoes are all wrong. ... The day after you throw out the gaucho jacket that's been clogging up your closet for 10 years, you get invited to something where you need to wear a gaucho jacket. ... I have more than 100 outfits in my apartment, but I always end up wearing the same three shirts and two pants (if not all at once). ... The models who showcase the clothes to the world are underage, overworked bulimics who stomp the runway with an aggression that makes it hard to cotton to their fringed tops and chiffon pouf skirts.

Ever since Fashion Week moved to Lincoln Center, fashionistas have been forced to look at posters for operas and ballets they've never heard of. Their quizzical looks clash with their handbags. ... If a designer comes out with a jacket that zips down instead of up, everyone acts like it's the height of nonconformist brilliance, practically a cultural revolution. ... A few months ago, I wore a five-dollar shirt to a party and everyone kept oohing and ahing and asking me if it was Comme de Garçons. "Yes," I beamingly replied, sensing more than ever that the whole fashion thing is a crock. ... Old designers who've been vehemently closeted their whole lives end up doing documentaries about their beautiful and inspiring relationships with men.

I distinctly remember the night before 9/11 shook things up, when the fashion crowd was bitching that they had no water, and the show was starting late. ... Every five years, they put a fat black lady on the cover of Vogue, figuring that pretty much covers it. ... The designers who take out ads are the ones who get editorial and vice versa. ... "Up to 95 percent off" sales usually mean one pair of rainbow-colored mittens is 95 percent off, and everything else is as is.

Once, when a model's earring dropped onto the runway during a show, the impresario patronizingly gestured for me to pick it up. (I just sat there, defiantly determined to be a highly fashionable bitch. I'm not the help!). ... The brilliant McQueen exhibit at the Met had people snaking around for miles to get in. Where were they for all the other shows? (Oh, the designer didn't kill himself, and his label didn't go on to do Kate Middleton's wedding dress?). ... Too often what's supposed to be a form of expression turns into a form of oppression. ... Every gay man on earth is suddenly wearing red gingham. ... Everyone in fashion enables Calvin Klein's life choices.

Chinatown knockoffs are illegal, but it should be the overpriced originals that are illegal. ... Models always want to branch out into acting and singing when they should actually just keep strutting until their heels wear out. ... Most of what you find at Century 21 looks like it was left over for a reason. ... If you buy something at H&M, you will soon enough be seen on the street next to a thin 16-year-old wearing the same thing. You will lose. ...You always hear about the most amazing sample sale the day after it's finished. ... Everyone's caught on to the sartorial tricks people use, so if you've always got a hat on, you must be bald, and if you constantly wear a solid black shift, you're obviously a cow.

Anna Wintour never says hello. ... I once had a dream where I wore pink in India, and someone said, "That's our navy blue! We hate navy blue!" ... Polka dots are the new stripes. ... I finally made peace with the fact that I usually get second row—until last time, when the front row had a special gift bag complete with a talking Ken doll. (I managed to finagle a couple anyway.) ... A girl in a McDonald's once yelled at me for wearing an old rabbit-fur vest, clearly forgetting that she was patronizing the biggest animal-murdering institution in the history of civilization. (Plus, she was wearing a leather belt!)

Couturiers stopped coming out with designer chocolates when they realized their customers couldn't fit into their clothes anymore. ... It costs more to dry-clean most of my outfits than to buy them. ... Karl Lagerfeld spits out his Nutella. ... Seemingly every city on earth now has a Fashion Week, so editors are seriously torn between options such as "Seoul or Pittsburgh?" ... All that air kissing creates a wind effect that wreaks havoc on your makeup.

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18 comments
Jo_z
Jo_z

OMGosh love everything about this post!! Especially the end considering that i'm just jealous that I dont work in the fashion industry.

xxjosiewww.straightNOchase.com

candy
candy

I went to Fashions night out last night, honestly it was very lackluster. I went to all the major dept stores. Surprisngly macys had a fun event with Carson kressley. I went in 2009 it was more fun and a bigger turn out. btw i didnt see anyone buying, just taking pics, drinking free wine and looking for free stuff..

Guest
Guest

Love it! There are too many people at the party. Everyone is a fashionista, a supermodel, a mogul, a designer, a stylist. Give me the old days of super-rich old ladies and the underground kids. When you had real craftsmanship and real edge. When only buyers and editors came to the shows. When you didn't have to pacify babies with gift bags.When only industry people knew a model's name and YOU HAD TO BE A MODEL to be on the cover of Vogue!

Victorherbert
Victorherbert

Brilliant one of your best, still, sitting at a sidewalk cafe, I prefer people who give their sartorial appearance a little effort - even the old world bums used to do that.

Miss Ana Cana
Miss Ana Cana

Any one who gets all engaged in the fashion game has a deep deficiency of self worth. And I can not believe that I said that in having a wonderful uncle who was a great old school tailor. But in my travels about. It always was so vexing to watch more so my friends and family spend so much time on fashion. Now I went through the beat nik, and hippy period. Right down to the Suzy Cream Cheese style. Then much more shamefully the 70s disco look. What the sam hell was I thinking. There always seems to be the immediate urgency to attract attention by ones attire. I've never known clothes to make a man. Well said Mr. Musto. The king has no clothes!

steve
steve

I hate fashion because it is so discriminatory. It's a very us and them mentality. If you don't understand Proenza Schouler you're looked on as a philistine.

Ginga
Ginga

Great column. You summed it up quite gorgeously/

Rabbit
Rabbit

Great column!

In that illustration, you look like that singer, Michael Bubbly.

BTW: Cher is hosting her favorite films tonight on TCM.

tony adams
tony adams

Last week in the Grand Canyon with 12 gay men, I nightly washed my rayon sarong in the muddy Colorado River (oddly refreshing) and presented myself at the campsite for happy hour with a different knot each evening. Like England, fashion endures because without it there is only the withering.

Sally Barry
Sally Barry

Women get to wear the 'fun clothes' because outside of a handful of NY fashion types, I have never seen or heard of an ordinary run-of-the-mill-man wearing anything at all 'fun'. A Lands End shirt that's not light blue, beige, or white is considered HIGHLY daring...Even here in the middle of nowhere, we peons read about the Alexander McQueen exhibit and wished WE could see it. Frankly, we seldom read about any OTHER fashion exhibits, because we all know who A-McQ was, but really don't know or care who the other designers are. Advertising, you know....I will wear H&M. I will wear jeggings, tissue-paper thin shirts, booties, and thrift store ensembles of the bottom of a prom gown with a torn up pleather jacket. I will do this and NOT CARE how stupid I look, because if that's what fashion dictates, I am there, and I will NOT wear the dark mom jeans with the built in girdle, pale pink lipstick, and white shirt that someone decided the middle-aged should wear as a wallpaper-ish uniform. You say red tights from Forever 21 and yellow sneakers with no laces are "in"? FINE! I'm wearing that even if I weigh 150 lbs. and am 60 year olds. You said that is "in", so I'm wearing it. HAPPY NOW???...I wore shirts I got at the Dollar General I got on sale for $3.95 to work and got as many compliments on my ensemble from there as anything else more expensive I wore. People really, really don't know what's what. It's all a scam.

Bri_ein
Bri_ein

"All that air kissing creates a wind effect that wreaks havoc on your makeup." hehe lol...i love this sentence..

Savannah Montgomery
Savannah Montgomery

"Most of what you find at Century 21 looks like it was left over for a reason. .."

Amen to that one, sistah!

candy
candy

its all true, i work in fashion 60% of people i met have been complete jerks and 40 % real nice

Ibizaivy
Ibizaivy

That is the best illustration of you IN HISTORY.

Reeg
Reeg

Hilarious and fabulous and so true, as always.

 Miss Ana Cana
Miss Ana Cana

Good for you Sally Barry. Life is just to dam short and lame to be have some one dictate what an other person should or should not wear. Every so often go down to the rags store, and buy the wildest dress, splash it with bright paint add who knows what . Paint your self up as whorish as you can get. And go to the grocery store get two long pepperonis and run to the produce area, and twirl those pepperonis like two fire batons. And don't forget to givem a coulpe wild splits. Even if you can not walk fora week. But dam it give the walking dead some thing to gossip about. Take it from Miss Ana Cana. Life is to short, and so is my boyfriend. He needs a pair of 7" Joan Crawford come fuck me pumps.

 
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