CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] Years ago, I discovered I was eligible to join MENSA, an organization for people with high IQs. Because I'd never gotten any awards, I thought I'd indulge in this little sin of pride. Not too long after I signed up, however, I felt like an idiot for doing it. Whenever I told someone I belonged to MENSA, I felt sheepish about seeming to imply that I was extra smart. Eventually I resigned from the so-called genius club. But then I descended into deeper egomania—I started bragging about how I had quit MENSA because I didn't want to come off like an egotist. How egotistical was that? Please avoid this type of unseemly behavior in the coming week, Capricorn. Be authentically humble, not fake like me. It'll be important for your success.

AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] Right now you have license to make pretty much everything bigger and funnier and wickeder. Good fortune is likely to flow your way as you seek out experiences that are extra-interesting and colorful and thought-provoking. This is no time for you to be shy about asking for what you want. Be louder and prouder than usual. Be bolder and brighter, nosier and cozier, weirder and more whimsical. The world needs your best idiosyncrasies and eccentricities!

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PISCES [February 19–March 20] There is a slight chance the following scenario will soon come to pass: A psychic will reveal that you have a mutant liver that can actually thrive on alcohol, and you will then get drunk on absinthe every day for two weeks, and by the end of this grace period, you will have been freed of 55 percent of the lingering guilt you've carried around for years, plus you will care 40 percent less about what people think of you. Bonus: You'll feel like a wise rookie who's ready to learn all about intimacy as if you were just diving into it for the first time. But get this, Pisces: There's an even greater chance that these same developments will unfold naturally—without the psychic, the mutant liver, and the nonstop drunkenness.

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