No. But Smith and his followers did prosper when they reconvened in Nauvoo, Illinois. At one point, it had an estimated 12,000 residents, nearly the size of Chicago. Yet they still freaked out their neighbors. The Mormons had their own religious courts, which were akin to the Muslim’s Sharia law, only creepier because everyone was dressed like the cast of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Plus, they believed in magic underwear, which contained super-celestial powers that allowed them to become kings or queens in Heaven. Sadly, this was a darker time in America, when people were less tolerant of underwear fetishists than they are today. Smith was arrested for being a degenerate. And when the Christians once again asked, “What Would Jesus Do?” Jesus mentioned that it might be good to storm the jail and kill Smith’s ass. So they did.

Did he get 72 virgins for being a martyr?

No, but a very nice bunt cake was served at his Going Away to Heaven Party. The problem was that God had forgotten to appoint Smith’s successor. So his followers became prophets of their own. Their revelations told them to excommunicate, poison, and assassinate their rivals. Some encountered an even more tragic fate: They were forced to move to Pittsburgh. In the end, Brigham Young arranged for the church to be run by 12 disciples – with him being the most disciplistic of all.

But isn’t Brigham Young a football team?

No. It’s actually a college that saw fleeting fame after discovering that Samoans were good at football. Then the Samoans realized that Mormons don’t drink, which meant that dorm parties were totally lame. They all transferred to USC.

So how did that whole Occupy Utah thing come about?

We’re getting to that. Young and his henchmen decided to move to a place so shitty no one else would go there. That would be Utah. Mormons migrated en masse, hoping to let their freak flag fly without anyone setting them on fire. But prospectors heading for the California Gold Rush reported that they were creating their own polygamous kingdom, which was seen as treasonous. Eastern Christians bagged on President James Buchanan for letting wild sex orgies to take place, since they hadn’t been invited. So Buchanan dispatched the army to see what was up with that.

Is that when the Mormons went terrorist?

Yes. By 1857, they’d grown tired of the Old Burn Down Our House & Drive us Out of Town Gag. So they took the offensive, torching army forts and setting fires to keep Buchanan’s troops from reaching Utah. They also indiscriminately robbed and murdered settlers. At one point, they killed 120 unarmed men, women and children during the infamous Mountain Meadows Massacre. For reasons unknown, this is no longer taught in Sunday schools. Yet Buchanan was in no mood to start a war in Utah. The feds were soon to battle the South, and there were tons of Indians that still required slaughtering. Thus was born a strategy of armed engagement that still lives today: It always sucks to have more than two wars going at once. The feds and the Mormons reached a truce.

So Buchanan just let terrorists hold wild sex orgies?

Yes, except for the wild part. Think of a porn film starring ZZ Top and Ukrainian babushka ladies. It wasn’t that interesting.

So when did they stop going perv?

In 1890. Still worried that the feds might attack, God told them to lose the polygamy thing. They decided instead to become the most tight-assed people in America. You couldn’t even get into church if you smoked cigs, pounded brewskies, or used caffeine.

They can’t drink coffee?

No. That means if Mitt Romney becomes president, the government will only be open from noon to 5 p.m., and he’ll be really crabby if Pakistan starts a nuclear war during Good Morning America.

But wouldn’t our country suck if it was just like Utah?

Yes. Think of it as the white Saudi Arabia, only with better skiing. Have you ever tried buying a shot of whiskey in Salt Lake City? It’s like fishing for lobster in a parking garage.

I heard Mormons don’t like black people.

They didn’t -- past tense. Until 1978, Mormons wouldn’t let blacks into Heaven. But this created problems. Young Mormons are required to do two years of unpaid missionary work. When they went door-to-door in Detroit, they encountered uncomfortably long silences, since they could only talk about the weather. So church elders had a revelation to let black people in. They may have been 10 years behind southern Christians in their racial policies, yet they were totally pumped to beat South Africa and avoid finishing last in their division.

But aren’t Mormons a bunch of damn socialists?

Yes and no. Joseph Smith prophesied of building a New Jerusalem in Jackson County. To make it happen, he urged followers to give up all their property for equal redistribution. But his flock thought his commie revelation sucked, so he put the blueprints in storage. Prominent modern Mormons – like Glenn Beck and Romney -- have since had revelations of their own. They assert that what Smith was really trying to say is that Mormons should give all their money to very large corporations, whose excess divinity would eventually trickle down to everyone else. Most Mormons today prefer the revised prophesy.

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7 comments
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They're still better than wise ass know it all New York writers.

Jerry Leigh
Jerry Leigh

They may like black people, now, but they still have a very real problem, elsewhere. The verse, Mormon (7:5), states that Jesus Christ "was slain by the Jews", a sentiment that has caused Jews considerable grief, over the centuries. I have this recurring fantasy of Mitt Romney screaming at his sect's leader, "Don't you know that I'm running for office!?"

Peter Gephardt
Peter Gephardt

What a shallow piece utterly devoid of any original humor. Apparently you've been to Cleveland. How about Krakow? Oh, wait, I bet Trey Parker stole all your material. No wonder this rag can't give away copies anymore.

Donkey Hotay
Donkey Hotay

Religion = Superstitious Nonsense

Period.

Rollcast
Rollcast

This article is hilarious, reads like it's right out of Die Sturmer!

You should be ashamed of your bigotry.

meesalikeu
meesalikeu

phucky u pete kotz n yr lowblow rips on cleveland. was that necessary? this is what remains of the voice writers? taking everyone and everything down in flames as it fades into irrelevance? are u even aware clevelanders built a huge chunk of manhattan and even today are a major source of funds for its museums and control its sports teams? aw never mind. you just better hope the #ows movement does not grow because they will be coming for rich entitled trustfund snobs like you first.

Chris Baker
Chris Baker

Almost makes me nostalgic for an America that was less kind to underwear fetishists...

 
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