By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
No. But Smith and his followers did prosper when they reconvened in Nauvoo, Illinois. At one point, it had an estimated 12,000 residents, nearly the size of Chicago. Yet they still freaked out their neighbors. The Mormons had their own religious courts, which were akin to the Muslim’s Sharia law, only creepier because everyone was dressed like the cast of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Plus, they believed in magic underwear, which contained super-celestial powers that allowed them to become kings or queens in Heaven. Sadly, this was a darker time in America, when people were less tolerant of underwear fetishists than they are today. Smith was arrested for being a degenerate. And when the Christians once again asked, “What Would Jesus Do?” Jesus mentioned that it might be good to storm the jail and kill Smith’s ass. So they did.
Did he get 72 virgins for being a martyr?
No, but a very nice bunt cake was served at his Going Away to Heaven Party. The problem was that God had forgotten to appoint Smith’s successor. So his followers became prophets of their own. Their revelations told them to excommunicate, poison, and assassinate their rivals. Some encountered an even more tragic fate: They were forced to move to Pittsburgh. In the end, Brigham Young arranged for the church to be run by 12 disciples – with him being the most disciplistic of all.
But isn’t Brigham Young a football team?
No. It’s actually a college that saw fleeting fame after discovering that Samoans were good at football. Then the Samoans realized that Mormons don’t drink, which meant that dorm parties were totally lame. They all transferred to USC.
So how did that whole Occupy Utah thing come about?
We’re getting to that. Young and his henchmen decided to move to a place so shitty no one else would go there. That would be Utah. Mormons migrated en masse, hoping to let their freak flag fly without anyone setting them on fire. But prospectors heading for the California Gold Rush reported that they were creating their own polygamous kingdom, which was seen as treasonous. Eastern Christians bagged on President James Buchanan for letting wild sex orgies to take place, since they hadn’t been invited. So Buchanan dispatched the army to see what was up with that.
Is that when the Mormons went terrorist?
Yes. By 1857, they’d grown tired of the Old Burn Down Our House & Drive us Out of Town Gag. So they took the offensive, torching army forts and setting fires to keep Buchanan’s troops from reaching Utah. They also indiscriminately robbed and murdered settlers. At one point, they killed 120 unarmed men, women and children during the infamous Mountain Meadows Massacre. For reasons unknown, this is no longer taught in Sunday schools. Yet Buchanan was in no mood to start a war in Utah. The feds were soon to battle the South, and there were tons of Indians that still required slaughtering. Thus was born a strategy of armed engagement that still lives today: It always sucks to have more than two wars going at once. The feds and the Mormons reached a truce.
So Buchanan just let terrorists hold wild sex orgies?
Yes, except for the wild part. Think of a porn film starring ZZ Top and Ukrainian babushka ladies. It wasn’t that interesting.
So when did they stop going perv?
In 1890. Still worried that the feds might attack, God told them to lose the polygamy thing. They decided instead to become the most tight-assed people in America. You couldn’t even get into church if you smoked cigs, pounded brewskies, or used caffeine.
They can’t drink coffee?
No. That means if Mitt Romney becomes president, the government will only be open from noon to 5 p.m., and he’ll be really crabby if Pakistan starts a nuclear war during Good Morning America.
But wouldn’t our country suck if it was just like Utah?
Yes. Think of it as the white Saudi Arabia, only with better skiing. Have you ever tried buying a shot of whiskey in Salt Lake City? It’s like fishing for lobster in a parking garage.
I heard Mormons don’t like black people.
They didn’t -- past tense. Until 1978, Mormons wouldn’t let blacks into Heaven. But this created problems. Young Mormons are required to do two years of unpaid missionary work. When they went door-to-door in Detroit, they encountered uncomfortably long silences, since they could only talk about the weather. So church elders had a revelation to let black people in. They may have been 10 years behind southern Christians in their racial policies, yet they were totally pumped to beat South Africa and avoid finishing last in their division.
But aren’t Mormons a bunch of damn socialists?
Yes and no. Joseph Smith prophesied of building a New Jerusalem in Jackson County. To make it happen, he urged followers to give up all their property for equal redistribution. But his flock thought his commie revelation sucked, so he put the blueprints in storage. Prominent modern Mormons – like Glenn Beck and Romney -- have since had revelations of their own. They assert that what Smith was really trying to say is that Mormons should give all their money to very large corporations, whose excess divinity would eventually trickle down to everyone else. Most Mormons today prefer the revised prophesy.
They may like black people, now, but they still have a very real problem, elsewhere. The verse, Mormon (7:5), states that Jesus Christ "was slain by the Jews", a sentiment that has caused Jews considerable grief, over the centuries. I have this recurring fantasy of Mitt Romney screaming at his sect's leader, "Don't you know that I'm running for office!?"
What a shallow piece utterly devoid of any original humor. Apparently you've been to Cleveland. How about Krakow? Oh, wait, I bet Trey Parker stole all your material. No wonder this rag can't give away copies anymore.
This article is hilarious, reads like it's right out of Die Sturmer!
You should be ashamed of your bigotry.
phucky u pete kotz n yr lowblow rips on cleveland. was that necessary? this is what remains of the voice writers? taking everyone and everything down in flames as it fades into irrelevance? are u even aware clevelanders built a huge chunk of manhattan and even today are a major source of funds for its museums and control its sports teams? aw never mind. you just better hope the #ows movement does not grow because they will be coming for rich entitled trustfund snobs like you first.
@Peter Gephardt I have lived in both. Seriously. And, I like Krakow better!
But come on now, it is ALL true. I'm from Upstate NY and Western NY originally: the documents showing Joseph Smith was found guilty of skrying (charging money conning people as a treasure seeker, using magic peep stones) do exist. The LDS church still has those peep stones and considers them to be religious relics--because Joseph Smith later used those peepstones to translate the Book of Mormon from the "golden plates" that the Angel Moroni took back with him when he went...wherever he went.
The Kirtland Anti-Banking Scandal did happen (since Joseph and minions were not legally allowed to call it a bank they called it an Anti-bank, lol); said anti-bank did in fact fail due to their greed and his mismanagement/taking of all the assets. He fled first, his buddies followed after--the other Mormons who got screwed were the ones who chased them away.
In Carthage jail, Joseph Smith drank liquor and had a revolver smuggled in to him--which he shot, when he and his buddy broke out of jail, killing two men in the mob/crowd who were there to lynch him. They were there to lynch him not because he was Mormon but because A) he committed treason by ordering the destruction of a printing press which had printed news of his crimes and misdeeds, and B) he committed bigamy and polygamy, then lied about it to his wife, and his church members, and to the US the government. They wanted him dead for another reason: he declared himself General of his own religious army, armed himself and his followers and massed up on the border and said they were going to come across, and anyone in their way be damned. He wanted a cult theocracy with himself at its head. He did not get it, but for a time, in Utah, Brigham Young did.
Brigham Young and his cronies made Brigham's adopted son John D Lee & company, take the fall for Mountain Meadows Massacre. They and their Lamanite/Indian friends ambushed and killed every man woman and child over the age of 8--then threw their bones into mass graves after wolves got to them first, and ripped them apart. THEN they billed the US government for the food and clothes of the children they took home with them. AFTER, of course, tithing 10% to Brigham Young, and sharing the rest among themselves. They took the supplies, money, food, farm implements and horses, and gave each other equal shares of the loot before giving some as payment to the Indians.
The temple oaths once required you to swear vengeance against the United States of America and her citizens, against all Gentiles, actually (to Mormons, Gentiles means all non Mormons) as the killers of Joseph Smith. THIS is why non Mormons hated them and were wary and fearful of them. NOT the fact that they were different or believed Joseph Smith was a prophet. The LDS church took the oaths out, except for the parts where the throat slitting and disemboweling motions are left in, and the words "suffer my own life to be taken" are remnants of same.