Does Marriage Make The Gays Boring?

I want to get married like I want to join the military

"It's hard for me to tell a straight, outright happy story," LaBute admitted to me. Not surprisingly, he didn't argue when I brought up the potential downside of progress. "Reality rears its ugly head," he says. "There's the joke of people saying, 'I want there to be gay marriage, so everybody can understand how hard or awful marriage is.' It's like a kid who finally gets to be 21 and says: 'Wait a minute. Now I can drink. Do I really want to drink?'" Of course the need for the right is a given, he added, "but the argument continues."

Not for me. It's definitely not happening, people. But maybe Afghanistan would be a little campy.

musto@villagevoice.com

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28 comments
JL
JL

Sorry, gotta say this...but where are these 'gays who are getting married'? I've been out since 1989 and the number of gay couples who have lasted through time, and also, made it to a point where both are ready for and want marriage, is extremely low. I know more gay men who've been out 5-20 years, have met 0-2 people, the relationship lasted 3 months, then after being lied to, cheated on or ripped off, it ends. I don't think the majority of the gay world needs 'this discussion' on gay marriage right now.

We have to start talking - HONESTLY - why the hell our relationships STILL aren't working despite all the new ways we have to meet each other, despite how much easier it is to come out, and how much more support we have from friends, family and allies than before. Gay men in general never had to develop social skills where they seem to care about other gay men - how are we supposed to believe we are going to be successful at marriage if so few of us even know where to meet someone, how to talk and interact while sober, and how to work past these things that end our relationships so quickly? I mean, what do we want? The ability to marry (of course, yes) or the ability to form relationships that are going to LAST so that more of us can actually enjoy marriage someday. Because I'm telling you from the front lines, there are way more gay people who don't even care about this issue because they don't even see this as a possibility someday. And as long as you have this many gay men who've given up because nothing ever happens, that's a lot of gay people whose potential support you're not going to get. The way things stand, the few who are passionate about gay marriage, their families/allies are not enough to win over voters in most states. If this is something we really are passionate about, we have to get to know other gay men who've basically shut down and isolated themselves and find out why things aren't working for them, and convince them that there is someone out there for them too. If we really care about each other in the gay community like we try to get society to believe, this should be a no-brainer.

Guest
Guest

There is a very interesting idea here and it's not really about Being Boring. It's about whether you want to accept conventional society. Some gay people can support political and religious institutions that would oppose their existence, for whatever reason. It's easy to think it might be self-hatred but you can't make that generalization either. Joining the military to preserve a way of life in which you have to lie about your sexuality seems pragmatic at best. Inability to resist early religious indoctrination isn't a sin, but I'd say that consciously choosing to support an institution that threatens you with suffering in the afterlife because you loved someone is counterproductive to your health and well-being. My point is simply that some people may feel more a part of society for whatever reason while others have felt like outsiders their whole lives. Some of us like being outsiders and some of us just don't fit in with the normals no matter how hard we would try. That's okay. It think that's the point.

This is really nit-picky but I think the term "the gays' objectifies and distances from the reality and would suggest dropping the "the," so it would just be "will marriage make gays boring." The "the" is language of the oppressor.

Jonster
Jonster

Paul Rudnick makes me laugh out loud. I love his little New Yorker pieces. And the Mamushka!!

MSpeer
MSpeer

I will be marrying my partner of 14 years very soon. We are doing this to gain whatever legal benefits are available here in NY state, to eliminate any question of hospital access or decision-making if one of us is ill, etc. And one day, perhaps in our lifetime, if they recognize gay marriage on the Federal level, we will realize the same benefits as straight people on taxes, Social Security, health care, and other stuff.

I have absolutely no desire to mimic straights in any way, shape or form. Whether my partner and I are dull or not has nothing to do with our marital status nor do I need a piece of paper to legitimize the bond we share.

Am I still somewhat ambivalent? Yes. Guess I always will be.

Craigley
Craigley

If it prevents people from getting beaten up in the playground?

Bruce + John is NOT going to help this one bit.

Hkguy
Hkguy

Your fundamental thesis is wrong, because the vast majority of gay men have always been "boring." Yes, there are the fabulous few who work out, go to Circuit parties, live in urban gayborhoods and pay 3 figures for a bathing suit. But the "99%" are just as boring as their hetero counterparts and always have been.

MINDFUL THINKING
MINDFUL THINKING

HELL YA. All most every heterosexual can testify to that. I recall a conversation about marriage. And the topic of Adam and Eve came up and the rabbi said who the hell was in the garden that married them into so called wedlock. Marriage like religion is just down right antiquated for this time and place in human evolution. It's like the Feds. How the hell did the world do with out them. And look at the muddled, wretched misery that ideology has placed upon mankind! Marriage is just one of the many tools religions use to control our minds, for thier own avail! Any one want to buy a PURGATORY-PASS. Get my drift? Wake-up. People.

La Grand Puta
La Grand Puta

Rudnick's comment that acceptance of gays would not cause financial distress for Michele Bachmann is not true. It would take away her husband's income and cover. He could come out and she'd lose him too. It would be quite devastating to Ms. Bachmann. Where do we sign up?

Spoogiethebear
Spoogiethebear

there are no more frankenfurters. which is a pity

Armandb
Armandb

I don't think it makes gays boring, but in a few months it will begin to make gays broke. With marriage comes divorce and with divorce comes lawyers! Enough said

Red_Eye_Girl_4434
Red_Eye_Girl_4434

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cubana1960
cubana1960

fabulous piece, darling--but the illustration is the best! who is this Bruner guy?

Pjamsden
Pjamsden

We have been together 20 years, married for 3. I assure you we are boring! I love it.

Leonard
Leonard

my friends mom makes $73 every hour on the internet. She has been unemployed for 8 months but last month her check was $7650 just working on the internet for a few hours. Read about it on this web site CashHard.com

Leonard
Leonard

my friends mom makes $73 every hour on the internet. She has been unemployed for 8 months but last month her check was $7650 just working on the internet for a few hours. Read about it on this web site CashHard.com

Savannah Montgomery
Savannah Montgomery

Don't worry folks, I'll have my "outlaw" moment when I sing,er, scream "It Should've Been Me" at Jake Gyllenhaal's wedding.

DaveinNorthridge
DaveinNorthridge

Honestly. This whole gay culture is dying meme is getting annoying, and this is me saying "Et tu, Michael"? Surely you could do better than that. Who do we blame? Marriage or Grindr?

Ynnocence
Ynnocence

It's obvious that this topic is close to your heart - which is why you opted for interviewees who shared (or didn't violently debunk) your position. But let's have the usual all-out Musto screed, subjective, unapologetic, take-no-prisoners uncompromising. You may be going a step ahead by inviting gay (and straight) men and women to check out non-conventional options, but by the time same-sex marriage becomes nationally sanctioned, it might be too late! Next stage of the struggle: the marrieds vs. the everything-else-buts.

Art
Art

Until they get rid of DOMA., gay marriage doesn't mean that much.

Joseph Mustich
Joseph Mustich

We are re-defining marriage for the better.Cheers, Joe Mustich, CT USAMarriage Officiant & Justice of the Peace

Vic
Vic

I really enjoyed the plays, though some are better than others. it's preaching to the converted, but still, it's worth a ticket.

Parcheesi
Parcheesi

Love this column. You interviewed three of the top playwrights.

BillJ
BillJ

Worry not, Musto.

You became utterly boring three decades ago. ; )

Craigley
Craigley

Look around. Society is DEvolving right before your eyes and saying it's "too evolved" is putting your head in the sand to advance your own frustrated agenda.

Moco
Moco

Well spoken!

MINDFUL THINKING
MINDFUL THINKING

Craigley. I shared 32 years of wonderful joy with the same man. No games, no strings. In my 60 years I've lived from Las Vegas to South Florida. I've traveled the U.S., and the world extensively. I've studied geography, governments, politics, religions, phycology, art , and even the art of wars! And alot more. And I've known and meet some of the most wonderful, and some of the most evil people that ever walked the face of this earth in my very opened eye frolic in my life. In 2000 I lost that wonderful love of 32 years to agent-orange lung cancer. So the last 11 years I opened my eyes even wider. And what I've come to see in this time of mankind of as you say DEvolving is that there are hosts or parasites! Yes I believe unrelentingly that GOD our Father-Mother master of all creation, intends for each and every one of us to have one or more soul-mates in our time here on earth. But the continuance of living ones life to some one elses beliefs is being a sleeping follower. Give your mind more credit. As I said I've meet alot of people in my life. And one was called Lenard . He was a high ranking officer in the Army. In the Vietnam War. We fought for gay rights in the 70s. And he told me a storty of how more Black men and Homosexuals were shot in the back by red-neck yahoos, than killed by viet cong during the war. So living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see, let me take you down,cause I'm going to Strawberryfields fore ever. And for the head in the sand line. I think not. I live on the ocean. And my eyes are still wide open, and besides it's a pain n the ass too get the sand out of ones ears. There is really a sad farce to most all ideologies and isms. Butt it's your life and right to believe in what ever you are so incited to believe. Just a word of advise. Don't be a sleeping follower! I still have a few PURGATORY-PASS. They were really popular back in thier day. I do what I want when I want. And I still enjoy my lovers, at 60years old.

 
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