CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] In F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel The Great Gatsby, Daisy Buchanan is stirred to the point of rapture by Jay Gatsby's silk shirts. "I've never seen such beautiful shirts before," she sobs, burying her face in one as she sits in his bedroom. I sincerely hope you will have an equivalent brush with this kind of resplendence sometime soon, Capricorn. For the sake of your mental and even physical health, you need direct contact with the sublime. APRIL FOOL! I half-lied. It's true that you would profoundly benefit from a brush with resplendence. But material objects, no matter how expensive, won't do the trick for you.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] Last December a woman in Tulsa, Oklahoma, made creative use of a Walmart. She gathered various ingredients from around the shelves, including lighter fluid, lithium, and drain cleaner, and set up a meth lab right there in the back of the store. She's your role model for the coming week, Aquarius. APRIL FOOL! I lied, kind of. The woman I mentioned got arrested for illegal activity, which I don't advise you do. But I do hope you will ascend to her levels of ingenuity and audacity as you gather all the resources you need for a novel experiment.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] A Filipino man named Herbert Chavez has had extensive plastic surgery done to make himself resemble Superman. Consider making him your role model, Pisces. I hope he inspires you to begin your own quest to rework your body and soul in the image of your favorite celebrity or cartoon hero. APRIL FOOL! You'd be wise to avoid comparing yourself to anyone else. Brainstorm about what exactly your highest potentials are and swear a blood oath to become that riper version of yourself.