By Jared Chausow
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There are 200 channels and still nothing to watch. ... Clicking the remote while desperately looking for something, you can't avoid catching one of those Man Without a Face–type shows on TLC, usually when it's in vivid close-up and you're eating shredded beef. ... Your favorite person on any talent show always gets unanimously voted off the very first week. ... You can religiously watch three Real Housewives series, but the person you go on a date with only wants to talk about every intricate detail of the fourth one. ... Mad Men's droll censure of that era's sexism somehow led network execs to think it was time to bring the sexism back.
Hallmark Channel ran the same Golden Girls promo for three years. ("Can I ask a dumb question?" "Better than anyone I know.") ... Time Warner Cable is perfectly willing to send over an emergency-service person—six days from now. ... Reality shows either give criminals a moment of glory or they give the gloried the impetus to become criminals. ... Watching reality stars pretend to be angry so convincingly makes you wonder why people even bother going to acting school; clearly there are throngs of natural-born thespians on every street corner. ... Similarly, if every B-list celebrity can manage a passable paso doble, doesn't that make the historically revered skill for dancing a little less special? And shouldn't real dancers return the favor by doing something B-list?
Everything isn't On Demand! ... When a show's a hit, they'll air it two weeks in a row, then weirdly take three weeks off. ... Talking-head shows I did 10 years ago are still on the air, making people who run into me on the street think, "He looks so much older in person!" ... Most cable anchorwomen are made to dress like casino cocktail waitresses. (Or maybe it's actually their own idea.) ... Censors should stop the s--t already and allow words that every other country has no problem with after a certain hour. ... Ever since Jon Stewart started saying "turd," the word lost a lot of impact whenever I use it. ... No one shows Phyllis anymore, but you can still see The Waltons. What a turd! ... I got an STD watching Game of Thrones.
Once an animated show hits the air, it apparently never goes off. ... My favorite show is Laser Hair Removal at Home, but I never know when it's going to be on. Probably right after Brazil Butt Lift. ... Thanks to all those cooking channels, everyone on the planet thinks they're some kind of hoity-toity master chef whose s--t don't stink. You go to their house for Thanksgiving and get greeted with turkey and asparagus crepes with a side dish of chopped walnuts drizzled with lentil oil. You sneak into KFC on the way home. ... Every cooking star, whether allegedly from southern America or northern Italy, lays on the accent extra hard as if they were auditioning for either Li'l Abner or Moonstruck. ... The morning shows feature idiotic segments like, "True or false: Peanuts are nuts." Worse, you get it wrong. (They're actually legumes.)
All the top drama series are dark, brooding tales about surgeons, FBI profilers, forensic anthropologists, and mentalists. Can't we have something cute about a genie? ... Does Fox even know they've been aggressively promoting homosexuality on a regular basis with the Glee franchise? Talk about a gay agenda! ... All those Oscar-type actresses over 50 are only on the tube because they were drummed out of Hollywood. It makes watching their shows a bittersweet experience ... Thanks to the plethora of military channels, we have 24-hour coverage of World War II.
Every time I decide to write off Saturday Night Live, they come up with a funny sketch—like the one with the office workers secretly crying over that Adele song—and I have to start watching all over again. ... "Weather on the 1s" can never come quickly enough for me. I live for that forecast, even when it's wrong. ... I still don't want to watch Two and a Half Men. ... MTV only shows videos once a year, during their awards show honoring the year's best videos. ... A channel you love will suddenly vanish without warning, replaced by continuous programming about the lifestyle of crocodiles.
My favorite comedians always seem to get my least favorite sitcoms. ... The media has no problem judging Nickelodeon stars by 1950s standards. Let them be! ... Whenever someone is bumped out of a cushy talk-show job they've had for years, the official announcement is, "They're leaving to pursue other projects." Yeah, but not by choice. ... Too many talk-show hosts sit there interviewing other talk-show hosts. It's like watching surgeons doing biopsies on each other. ... All those TV-courtroom judges decide who the villain is in the first five seconds and valiantly stick with that choice to the end of the show, I mean the case.
Those omnipresent commercials for Forever Lazy—the fleece outfit for all occasions, complete with zippered access for bathroom visits—has transformed lives to the point where millions of Americans never leave the house, even more than they didn't leave it before. ... And they still have nothing to watch! ... Channel 35's array of porn stars and "Geisha To Go" commercials often takes me away from my Downton Abbey viewing. ... I turned on the local news once and saw Bloomberg trying to talk Spanish. Pathetico! ... If you chance upon a station geared toward old people, you have to endure commercial after commercial listing the side of effects of various medications. ("Rectal bleeding, ulcers, tingling breasts, itchy kneecaps, loud buzzing in the ears, white fungus under the tongue, heart murmurs..." Shoot me!) ... Friends are trying to convince me to finally get a gigantic flat-screen TV. Yeah, can't wait to see Man Without a Face on my entire wall! In HD!Read more Michael Musto at La Dolce Musto