By Keegan Hamilton
By Albert Samaha
By Village Voice staff
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
There are 200 channels and still nothing to watch. ... Clicking the remote while desperately looking for something, you can't avoid catching one of those Man Without a Face–type shows on TLC, usually when it's in vivid close-up and you're eating shredded beef. ... Your favorite person on any talent show always gets unanimously voted off the very first week. ... You can religiously watch three Real Housewives series, but the person you go on a date with only wants to talk about every intricate detail of the fourth one. ... Mad Men's droll censure of that era's sexism somehow led network execs to think it was time to bring the sexism back.
Hallmark Channel ran the same Golden Girls promo for three years. ("Can I ask a dumb question?" "Better than anyone I know.") ... Time Warner Cable is perfectly willing to send over an emergency-service person—six days from now. ... Reality shows either give criminals a moment of glory or they give the gloried the impetus to become criminals. ... Watching reality stars pretend to be angry so convincingly makes you wonder why people even bother going to acting school; clearly there are throngs of natural-born thespians on every street corner. ... Similarly, if every B-list celebrity can manage a passable paso doble, doesn't that make the historically revered skill for dancing a little less special? And shouldn't real dancers return the favor by doing something B-list?
Everything isn't On Demand! ... When a show's a hit, they'll air it two weeks in a row, then weirdly take three weeks off. ... Talking-head shows I did 10 years ago are still on the air, making people who run into me on the street think, "He looks so much older in person!" ... Most cable anchorwomen are made to dress like casino cocktail waitresses. (Or maybe it's actually their own idea.) ... Censors should stop the s--t already and allow words that every other country has no problem with after a certain hour. ... Ever since Jon Stewart started saying "turd," the word lost a lot of impact whenever I use it. ... No one shows Phyllis anymore, but you can still see The Waltons. What a turd! ... I got an STD watching Game of Thrones.
Once an animated show hits the air, it apparently never goes off. ... My favorite show is Laser Hair Removal at Home, but I never know when it's going to be on. Probably right after Brazil Butt Lift. ... Thanks to all those cooking channels, everyone on the planet thinks they're some kind of hoity-toity master chef whose s--t don't stink. You go to their house for Thanksgiving and get greeted with turkey and asparagus crepes with a side dish of chopped walnuts drizzled with lentil oil. You sneak into KFC on the way home. ... Every cooking star, whether allegedly from southern America or northern Italy, lays on the accent extra hard as if they were auditioning for either Li'l Abner or Moonstruck. ... The morning shows feature idiotic segments like, "True or false: Peanuts are nuts." Worse, you get it wrong. (They're actually legumes.)
All the top drama series are dark, brooding tales about surgeons, FBI profilers, forensic anthropologists, and mentalists. Can't we have something cute about a genie? ... Does Fox even know they've been aggressively promoting homosexuality on a regular basis with the Glee franchise? Talk about a gay agenda! ... All those Oscar-type actresses over 50 are only on the tube because they were drummed out of Hollywood. It makes watching their shows a bittersweet experience ... Thanks to the plethora of military channels, we have 24-hour coverage of World War II.
Every time I decide to write off Saturday Night Live, they come up with a funny sketch—like the one with the office workers secretly crying over that Adele song—and I have to start watching all over again. ... "Weather on the 1s" can never come quickly enough for me. I live for that forecast, even when it's wrong. ... I still don't want to watch Two and a Half Men. ... MTV only shows videos once a year, during their awards show honoring the year's best videos. ... A channel you love will suddenly vanish without warning, replaced by continuous programming about the lifestyle of crocodiles.
My favorite comedians always seem to get my least favorite sitcoms. ... The media has no problem judging Nickelodeon stars by 1950s standards. Let them be! ... Whenever someone is bumped out of a cushy talk-show job they've had for years, the official announcement is, "They're leaving to pursue other projects." Yeah, but not by choice. ... Too many talk-show hosts sit there interviewing other talk-show hosts. It's like watching surgeons doing biopsies on each other. ... All those TV-courtroom judges decide who the villain is in the first five seconds and valiantly stick with that choice to the end of the show, I mean the case.
Those omnipresent commercials for Forever Lazy—the fleece outfit for all occasions, complete with zippered access for bathroom visits—has transformed lives to the point where millions of Americans never leave the house, even more than they didn't leave it before. ... And they still have nothing to watch! ... Channel 35's array of porn stars and "Geisha To Go" commercials often takes me away from my Downton Abbey viewing. ... I turned on the local news once and saw Bloomberg trying to talk Spanish. Pathetico! ... If you chance upon a station geared toward old people, you have to endure commercial after commercial listing the side of effects of various medications. ("Rectal bleeding, ulcers, tingling breasts, itchy kneecaps, loud buzzing in the ears, white fungus under the tongue, heart murmurs..." Shoot me!) ... Friends are trying to convince me to finally get a gigantic flat-screen TV. Yeah, can't wait to see Man Without a Face on my entire wall! In HD!Read more Michael Musto at La Dolce Musto
Â why buy a new TV set ? so you can hook your computer up to it in HD and watch youtube all day commercial free.commercial tv is old school i can't watch it for more then a few minutes then the commercials start up and i start changing channels till i turn it off .youtube is great also try shoutcast tv
I've been program free for over 10 years. Paying for commercials is what did it for me. It got me out of the house and exercising more. Since I work as a probation officer - I live drama and danger and don't need to come home and watch it on tv :)
Hey, I love "The Golden Girls" !!! It is funny and entertaining, no matter how many times I watch every episode. This show is a good medication for my everyday boredom and depression, so leave that show alone!
I adore Tyra Banks' Productions, Gorden Ramsey's Productions, House...ugh, let me see...Football in the winter...uh?...I like the local news, national news is too polished... I miss MadTV...SNL/Tina Fey are a blasphemy of the holy spirit as they are SO way overrated in their cosmic mediocrity pure white bread w/the crust removed and have more awards than viewers. Oh, I still have my vhs with many classic films that I will watch for the umteenth time. Have a nice day!
You forgot to mention "Arts & Entertainment" (which is neither, being more a "serial killer channel" now) and the "Family Channel," where they take funny movies like "Blazing Saddles" or "Animal House" and suck all of the life (and humor) out of them to the point that you wonder why they bothered to run it in the first place. I refusr to watch TV any more, which the exception of some PBS. The rest is (mostly) 99+ channels of shite. Utter, utter shite.
I finally had to start a Chat dialouge with a Time Warner Cable representative to stop then from two or three times a week knocking (like the cops !) at my door.I told them constantly that I had no interest in reestablihing Cable service after having dropped it 15 years ago after I got a high speed connection for my computer I get all the News and information I could stand and Movies and sports were free for those in the know so go away ..put me on the FU list and I'll make sure you're on mine. I also let them know that to assure them of my sure intent that they should cease the harrassment and disturbing of my peace that My next actions would include some Tiger Piss and or Industrial Strength Mace...ahhhh Peace at last has come,so what should I now do with this Tiger Piss?
Michael- being from Canada, where the ad doesn't play, I thought the "Forever Lazy" had to be some kind of joke...until I Googled it. Before this, I thought the Republican Presidential candidates were the scariest trend in American culture.
Genius genius commentary Maestro Musto! I was trying to catch up on The Killing from season 1 when the public was complaining about the finale, and suddenly the whole season was gone from On Demand menu. WTF? I demand more of the first season dammit. TV has gotten so boring I've taken to analyzing how much the estate or family of the person being featured on a show on Biography actually liked the person. For example, the Biography special on Jimi Hendrix totally glosses over his drug use (like it was just peripheral to what his Experience) but the Janis Joplin Bio special, all they do is talk about how much she drank, all the pills she took and obsessed about the journey of her narcotic use and just glossed over her talent. Entertainment has taken a terrible turn for the worse!
I hear you! What about the ID channel?? They rehash old crime stories that previous crime shows aired but...with a different light! LOL Remember 'Forensic Files'? Now THAT was the show!! It still comes on late night in our area (OH) and their shows are rehashed in ID. And the Audience channel is cool but they show repeats upon repeats of bands (how many times can Blondie be shown???) I mean, really. But then their dramas are not shown in order. Like 'Shadowline'. I love this show but I had to keep checking for it then had to watch repeats before I could see a new show or contiuation of the last show! I wish they'd take a day and just show all the episodes in order and get it over with!
Speaking of Reality Shows and natural born thespians, I'm a big fan of Parking Wars: A priceless black humor display of working class struggle w/ meter maids complaining about doing a hard thankless job and getting abuse heaped on them by a public with all sorts of excuses for violations from no money to pay tickets to badly placed signs to just being too damn busy with their lives to avoid unlawful parking. There may be some hamming up for the camera, but the pathos can be quite uproarious.
Agree with everything you wrote. Unfortunately I still live to watch tv. Am working on that "getting a life" thing.
Don't forget the "Male enhancement " commercials run back to back every seven minutes. Is it just me or has anybody else noticed that most of these commercials feature a single male cruising down the highway, sailing the open sea's or hauling his horses around? Call me an idiot but it just never dawned on me to take a pill intended to get me in the mood and "ready" and then pull the old ride out and go for a chemically enhanced road trip. Duhh 44
MM: you are spot on. Lordy, how I miss the pre-cable NYC TV days: Channel 9 million dollar movie, aluminum wrap on the rabbit ears, Biography on WPIX at 4AM after staggering home from the Pyramid...sigh
Instead of all that, I stick with "Highway Patrol," sometimes "Route 66," "Twilight Zone" and of course "Flipper." At times I enjoy "Sky King." Otherwise I go for the Old Time Radio shows with detectives in LA. That's how it is. Meanwhile there's the real weather outside and a genuine conversation someplace.
Agreed with every one of these reasons. Please do a whole column all about just reality shows. Plenty of material there.