By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES [March 21–April 19] "Let's waltz the rumba," said jazz musician Fats Waller, suggesting the seemingly impossible mix of two different types of dancing. That's an excellent clue for you to follow up on, Aries. I suspect that in the coming week, you will have an unusual aptitude for hybridization. You could do folk dancing and hip-hop moves simultaneously. You'll have a knack for bringing the spirit of belly dance into the tango, and for breakdancing while doing the hokey pokey.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] Have you been feeling a warm fuzzy feeling in your money chakra? I hope so. The cosmos recently authorized you to receive a fresh flow of what we might call financial kundalini. Your insight into money matters should be increasing, as well as your ability to attract the information and influences you need to refine your relationship with prosperity. It might even be the case that higher levels of economic luck are operating in your vicinity.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] Your core meditation this week is Oscar Wilde's belief that disobedience is a primal virtue. Be ingeniously, pragmatically, and cheerfully disobedient, Gemini! Harness your disobedience so that it generates outbreaks of creative transformation that improve your life. For inspiration, read this passage by Robert Anton Wilson: "Every fact of science was once damned. Every invention was considered impossible. Every discovery was a nervous shock to some orthodoxy. Every artistic innovation was denounced as fraud and folly. The entire web of culture and progress, everything on earth that is man-made and not given to us by nature, is the concrete manifestation of someone's refusal to bow to Authority. We would be no more than the first apelike hominids if it were not for the rebellious, the recalcitrant, and the intransigent."
CANCER [June 21–July 22] "Some people tell me I'd invented the sounds they called soul," said musician Ray Charles, "but I can't take any credit. Soul is just the way black folk sing when they leave themselves alone." I urge you to experiment with this idea, Cancerian. In my astrological opinion, you need to whip up a fresh, hot delivery of raw soul. One of the best ways to do that might be to leave yourself alone. In other words, don't badger yourself. Create a nice big space for your original self to play in.
LEO [July 23–August 22] "Where's the most convenient place to discover a new species?" asks The Second Book of General Ignorance. What do you think the answer is, Leo? The Amazon Rainforest? The high mountainous forests of New Guinea? Northwest Siberia? None of the above. In fact, your best chance of finding a previously unidentified life form is in your own garden. There are hundreds of thousands of species that science still has no knowledge of, and quite a few of them are near you. A similar principle holds true for your life in general. It will be close to home that you are most likely to connect with fascinating exotica.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] Now and then, my readers try to bribe me. "I'll give you $1,000," said a recent e-mail from a Virgo woman, "if you will write a sequence of horoscopes that predict I'll get the dream job I'm aiming for, which will in turn make me so attractive to the guy I'm pursuing that he will beg to worship me." My first impulse was to reply, "That's all you're willing to pay for a prophecy of two events that will change your life?" But in the end, as always, I flatly turned her down. Still, I sort of admire this woman's feisty resolve to manipulate the fates, and I urge you to borrow some of her ferocity in the coming week.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] A solar eclipse happens when the moon passes in front of the sun and blocks much of its light from reaching our eyes. On a personal level, the metaphorical equivalent is when something obstructs our ability to see what nourishes us. For example, let's say you're in the habit of enviously comparing your own situation to that of a person you imagine is better off than you. This might blind you to some of your actual blessings and diminish your ability to take full advantage of your own talents. I bring this up, Libra, because you're in an especially favorable time to detect any way you might be under the spell of an eclipse—and then take dramatic steps to get out from under it.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] Some secrets will dribble out. Other secrets will spill forth. Still, others might shoot out and explode like fireworks. You won't be bored by this week's revelations, Scorpio. People's camouflage could be exposed, hidden agendas could be revealed, and not-quite-innocent deceits might be uncovered. Here's the good news: If you maintain a high level of integrity and treat the brouhaha as good entertainment, you're likely to capitalize on the uproar.
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] If you go to a psychotherapist, she might coax you to tell stories about what went wrong in your childhood. Seek a chiropractor's opinion, and he might inform you that most of your problems have to do with your spine. Consult a psychic, and chances are she will tell you that you messed up in your past lives. And if you ask me about what you most need to know, I might slip you some advice about how to access your untapped reserves of beauty and intelligence. Here's the moral of the story, Sagittarius: Be discerning as you ask for feedback and mirroring. The information you receive will always be skewed.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] The state of Kansas has a law that seems more confusing than helpful. It says the following: "When two trains approach each other at a crossing, both shall come to a full stop and neither shall start up again until the other has gone." From what I can tell, Capricorn, a similar situation has cropped up in your life. Two parties are in a stalemate, each waiting for the other to make the first move. At this rate, nothing will ever happen. May I suggest that you take the initiative?
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] Should you get down on your knees and beg for love and recognition? No! Should you give yourself away without seeking much in return? Don't do that, either. Should you try to please everyone in an attempt to be popular? Definitely not. Should you dilute your truth so as not to cause a ruckus? I hope not. So then what am I suggesting you should do? Ask the following question about every possibility that comes before you: "Will this help me to master myself, deepen my commitment to what I want most, and gain more freedom?"
PISCES [February 19–March 20] Do you know why flamingos have their distinctive orange-pink color? It's because of the carotene in the shrimp and other food they consume. That's a dramatic example of the adage, "You are what you eat." Let's use it as a prompt to contemplate all the stuff you take into the holy temple of your body, Pisces. Not just the sandwiches and chocolate bars, but also the images, ideas, and energy you get from other people. Is the cumulative effect of all those things giving you the shape and color and texture you want to have? If not, this would be a good time to adjust your intake.