Why I Hate Sex! 32 Fucktastic Reasons!

Stay celibate

I'm no good at it ... And it's not the kind of thing you improve at with time. It's not like Angry Birds. ... If I were only more versatile, I'd be having twice the opportunities. But I don't even like a 10-second digital prostate exam. ... I'd rather have sex with a complete stranger than with someone I know and care about. I'm becoming Marlon Brando in Last Tango in Paris, minus the dairy.

Kissing someone with buck teeth is like sticking your tongue into a meat grinder. ... Has anyone ever rimmed you, then wanted to kiss? It's the ultimate dilemma. ... It's not that easy to have sex in club bathrooms and stairways anymore. That used to be more than a little bit thrilling in its absolute wrongness, but now most clubs actually have security. Dumb! ... People who have elaborate fetish scenarios usually don't care if it's your fantasy, too. You want to say, "Shouldn't I be getting paid for this?" ... Speaking of sex workers, hiring one would appear to be the easiest way to get off, except that I'm dirt cheap and want to maintain the illusion that my sex partner likes me on some level other than a financial one. Maybe they can pretend to be into it, but I'm not that good of an actor.

If you say "I love you" in the heat of passion, you never want to face that person again for fear of having raised expectations to a wildly unrealistic level. You don't even like them! ... Saying dirty, outrageous stuff is even more embarrassing the next day, especially if it wasn't all that PC. Good luck convincing them that you're not usually like that. ... You can't just get someone to pleasure you and shut up. They always want something back, like "Pinch my nipples really hard!" or "Grab my scrotum and don't let go!" After squeezing for 20 seconds, your fingers get numb, and you want to go in the next room and do stretching exercises. ... After orgasming, I just want the person to leave. What's the problem? It's over! Go! ... I don't experience any Catholic feelings at all except for Catholic guilt the second the sex act is over. It takes all the fun out of it (even if it drove you into the act to begin with).

If you don't drink or do drugs, you're actually clearheaded through the act, which is a big problem; intercourse demands some cloudiness. ... It's all in the timing. If someone makes a pass at you, you don't see it coming, so you awkwardly jump back and abort the situation. But you start figuring it might be hot, so a few weeks later, you come on to them, certain they'll be putty in your hands. They freak and say, "What the fuck are you doing?"... If someone wants me, I convince myself that they must be a crazed alcoholic and impulsively reject them back into the gutter ... I'm usually right.

Six-packs are supposed to be sexy, but to me, they're grotesque, especially when they jut out in an unhealthy manner that looks like a barbecue grill created in some misbegotten lab experiment. ... You grab onto someone's beautiful, wavy head of hair. It comes off. ... The whole idea is to go for various body fluids, but the second it's over, you frantically try to scrub them off with lye and hoses. ... Occasionally, you'll have a messy anal interaction and think: "Hmm. Maybe the Bible was right." ... Bad breath. ... Sometimes the act goes on so long you start thinking about things you really should be doing, like refilling the ice tray or checking your e-mail. And then they want to cuddle! Yech!

If you call your trick the day after your sordid encounter, they dodge the call and act like you're crazy for actually following through. If they call you first, you inevitably do the same. ... You run into someone you fucked two years ago and think: "Why didn't I keep pursing this? They're gorgeous!" Then they text you, and you don't answer. ... You've met the person of your dreams. Perfect for you in every way—an absolute love match. But it turns out you're not sexually compatible in the least. WTF do you do now? Just hold hands through eternity?

As your hormones wane, you're no longer always thinking with your genitals, which is a good thing—except that everyone else still is. You feel biologically out of synch, like a eunuch at an orgy. ... Everyone younger than you is like a porn star in bed and has watched (and starred in) hundreds more videos than your generation did. It's especially impossible to match their Olympic-caliber skills, so you just give up after a while.

A guy once followed me home from a club, told me he had a prosthetic finger because of an accident in shop class years ago, then begged me to tell him my secret. Before I could come up with something, he started vomiting and left. Not hot! ... AIDS is still casting a giant pall over any uninhibited fun in the cards. I guess it will be wreaking havoc through our entire freakin' lives. But the biggest cock blocker of all is when you meet someone who doesn't seem to have even heard of it. Very not hot! ... And if you bring home a stranger, they could very well murder you. Of course, if you go to their place, they could murder you there, too. ... Ugh! I'm staying celibate. As in "sell a bit here, sell a bit there. ..."

Read more Michael Musto at La Dolce Musto

musto@villagevoice.com

 
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26 comments
blueticketz
blueticketz

We all know this, we just wish sex was better. We want you to be the comedian and believe that sex sells. And Men and women can't stop thinking about sex. Sometimes life is better when we lie to ourselves.

steve
steve

Sometimes I just can't be bothered to work up the energy to pretend to be interested in someone long enough to get them, or me, off.  The last guy I had sex with was 20 (I'm 46) so if I die at least the last person I fucked at this point is really young so there's that...

Hancock Walter
Hancock Walter

what Peter said I didnt know that any one able to earn $7671 in one month on the internet. did you read this page makecash16. çom

Kravitzkravitz
Kravitzkravitz

Michael… You're telling us you're a TOP now? Let's get started. At one point the totally anonymous just anybody thing was hot. It doesn't work, and only makes it more likely you'll resent it. Hot sex requires investment. But I gotta agree on the kissing rimming or someone who just took your load or piss thing. Unless they're really worth it.

GreatMartin2003
GreatMartin2003

Michael thank you--reading "Why I Hate Sex" brought back a lot of memories--some good and some bad--and had me laughing out loud! Great way to start a day!

LIMEM !
LIMEM !

As my dear grandma always said your hand will never say no. It won't cost you anything. And it won't give you a disease. Dam if she were a live and could see the state that we are in to day. I'm lucky to have found a good young man. Trust is the most part of any relationship! And it's getting harder to find. I hope you find the right person for you Michael. Life is to short to spend it alone. I've been traveling around and it's sad what Ihear and see in our gay society. Back in the 50s, 60, 70, and 80s things were so much more easy. Now it's like walking throught a dam mind-field. What and why are gay people so dam hateful and cruel to our fellow brother and sisters.Like Isaid I've was lucky to find a really 23 year old wonderful youg man. His mom and grandmother and I are very tight. And they know that I love him dearly. The city is not the best place to have a good long lasting relationship. There is to much distractions. When my friend and I go to his grangma's old cabin we don't want to come home. He has two older brothers that are in their midde 30s and friends with my son. No one should be alone! It's not what the universe wants for you. It's so magnificent to have a good person to share your life with. I wish you the best of luck, and true joy. Be careful. There is some one out there for you. Like I said be careful.The real truth is you need to get out of the New York Gay Click for a while. I was in New York this week and only to visit friends. Ilike good dance music, cafes, but I will not put up with tacky gay attitude. There is a whole world out there to find what you want and need. Love and good luck!

Victoria
Victoria

DON'T READ THIS UNLESS YOU ARE A RATIONAL AND SERIOUS THINKER:

Sex addiction-- (Definitition) is a very common psychological mental problem, similar to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Sex addiction is when a person has a hard time controlling their impulses to have sex to the point that sex interferes with at least one aspect of their lives, either: health, relationships, work, schoolwork or even job.

This condition is present in many individuals who believe they do not have it. When tempted to have sex, they often give in.

Symptoms:-Going to clubs at least once a month. OR-Looking at pornography at least once a week.

Causes:

-Genetic: At birth, the human is born with DNA that makes him/her more likely than other people to be addicted to sex. As a result, abnormal levels brain chemicals (Dopamine and Serotonin) is present in the brain areas they are not supposed to be located. It is still possible that the child's mother or father does not have the addiction.

Treatment:

-Although there is no scientific cure for sex addiction, there are medical treatment options to help an individual have a low sex drive through medication: Prozac medication, or other similar types

-There has been testimonies, from many individuals, that doing the following can lower sex drive almost completely: Praying the entire Holy Rosary of the Blessed Virgin Mary WHILE meditating on the 4 mysteries of the Rosary.Explanation as told by witnesses: "Praying somehow invokes the supernatural forces in the universe, and just makes you "Not want to have sex" " Somehow you are able to control yourself" "It's a mind-boggling miracle!" "Works every single time!" "Effects last for one whole day!" "I was able to be productive today!"

R_kreher
R_kreher

the best sex is when you are 15 and you have no idea what is going on.

Nestorb98
Nestorb98

and yet...I remember this fantastic sex life I had...thirty years ago.

Stratton
Stratton

Maybe you'd enjoy sex more if you tried having it with a woman.

Rhayes61
Rhayes61

Go get some Paxil quick dude!

MuscleJockTX
MuscleJockTX

I love it when Mr. M makes me laugh out loud, i.e., pretty much with every bloody column of his I read on here! Speaking of bloody columns: the part about "they could murder you at home, they could murder you at their place, too." The lighthearted way this was worded (part of Mr. Musto's artistry, imo) immediately triggered a rather scary memory of my days as a dedicated Sportf**ker (not quite retired, yet, hehe). I met a seriously hot & handsome muscle stud at a XXX video store in Houston back in 2008--what better venue, you already know you're both sex addicts, and the gay beefcake videos in your hands at the register pretty well establish tastes. We swapped numbers, set up a "date" (does any gay man really date anymore?), and I went to his apartment--conveniently, just a few blocks from the XXX emporium where we'd met. Smart boy!

We chewed face five seconds after I walked in, tore each other's clothes off en route to his bedroom (so far, so good, and his neutral interior design scheme didn't seem to read "early American serial killer", which is always nice). After a few minutes in bed of naked soixante-neuf, as the Frenchies are wont to call it, I pulled up for air and went for his mug for some more face macking. The stony look on his countenance and the extremely distant glaze of his eyes told me, hmmm, this doesn't feel quite right, let's go ahead and GTF out of here. I'm a medium-large sized bodybuilder, roughly 195lbs of high quality muscle, and he was about the same. As I backed my way out of bed with a lame excuse (oops, think I left the stove on, I better get home & we'll do this another time, something along those lines), he did a gentle lunge towards me and barked, "You're not leaving!" Instinctively, I stood up, naked at the foot of the bed, and landed in what's known in kickboxing as a Fighting Stance, facing him with steely eyes, arms up, fists cocked for action, but casually, as if I wasn't really expecting to have to engage him. Somewhere in his spider webbed head my posture seemed to have registered with him, as he froze and watched me put my clothes on. I was completely prepared for this to become a serious brawl, maybe with a knife or gun involved, but he simply stared, scowling darkly. I dressed quickly, and spoke calmly about how it'd be hot to connect another time, never once turning my back on him. Sidled out of his bedroom, somewhat sideways, ready for him to do something a bit crazy. Pretty sure it's the only time I've ever backed my way out of a potential f**kbuddy's pad. Was happy he didn't follow me out the front door. When I got home, I amended his contact info on my cell, with Crazy Mother****er/XXX Store next to his name.

Fast forward about a year later, same XXX video store. Paid for my rentals, turned to go, and came eye to eye with Crazy Mike. Took me about 1 second to recognize him, and I smiled, nodded, brushed past him and headed for the door. His neutral demeanor went dark very quickly when he recognized me. Impulsively, I drove across the street to the Wendy's, and went through the drive through for a chocolate shake (porn and shakes, perfect combo at 1am, yes?). Low and behold, as I was leaving the junk food emporium, Mike was in the wide open vacant parking lot in his car, staring madly out the open driver's window at me, driving, I swear I'm not making this up, in large figure eights, over and over, seemingly swearing and staring at me as he practiced his crazy eights. (Jim Morrison/Riders On the Storm lyrics played in my head as I drove off, "...his mind is squirming like a toad..."). I made eye contact with Crazy Mike as I drove out, shaking my head at him. He didn't follow. I drove home and thanked God my instincts--and karate/kickboxing training--hadn't failed me that night a year ago.

Thanks for the memory, Mr. Musto! Wanna go for a Wendy's chocolate Frosty sometime?

neorealist
neorealist

"Kissing someone with buck teeth is like sticking your tongue into a meat grinder"

Sounds more like kissing somebody with braces.

Michael, I'm wondering if you're just down on the state of NYC trade?

jack
jack

I have just found out that this is true!!!!! this really is not a joke!!!!!

"ASIANS CAN ACTUALLY READ MINDS!!!!!!!!!!!!they can hear, and see what your visually thinkingthis is the absolute complete truth

The reason a lot of Asians have completely expressionless faces, segregate from everybody else-only associate with Asians and don't associate with non Asians that much, and are very unfriendly in general is to avoid accidentally revealing that they can read minds. If all over a billion Asians where to show facial expressions all the time just as much as non Asians, integrate and associate with non Asians much more, and be much more friendly and talkative, then a lot of them might accidentally reveal that they can read minds by accidentally showing a facial expression or dirty look when someone thinks, or visually pictures something in their mind they don't like, find astonishing, or funny etc because those people might see that and and really wonder what that was that just happened there and see the connection, and they might accidentally say something similar to what the person was just thinking and going to say. If they all associated with non Asians a lot more then there would be a lot more people around for them to accidentally show facial expressions when those people think things they don't like etc, so they segregate and only associate with Asians so there won't be anyone around for them to see that and have any accidents happen in the first place.

I know this may sound crazy, impossible and unbelievable, BUT IT ISN'T CRAZY WHEN ITS TRUE

You have to spread the message!!!!!The world has to know about this!!!!!"

Tampon Tammy
Tampon Tammy

Oh and how about Hep C from unprotected anal sex? Another total turn off.

Elizabeth Young
Elizabeth Young

Definitely brilliant and the last line had me rolling. Gay or str8 this is a very good, albeit humorous observation of the whole dating/hooking-up scene. Hilarious.

Mrwhompers
Mrwhompers

The bit about the showering off with lye really says it all about the state of sex today.

Wings
Wings

So brilliant! I want to have sex with you.

Jaxtall
Jaxtall

Why would you put something into a lovers mouth that you wouldn't put into your own?

MuscleJockTX
MuscleJockTX

If I often pop my nut 3x / day, on average, to hot XXX videos, roughly 5-7x/week, do I get a Purple Heart?

Jay
Jay

Looking at pornography once a week? Is this Rick Santorum in disguise?

corrective_unconscious
corrective_unconscious

That doesn't sound crazy in the least, but what about people with only one Asian parent? Is that like they only get basic cable while people with two Asian parents get FIOS? Are Hawaiians Asian? What about Inuits? Thanks for the update!

Jack M
Jack M

Michael, dear, it's not the sex, it's the fact that you live in New York. Just stick to masturbation.

MuscleJockTX
MuscleJockTX

Been there, done that. Pussy is too damned expensive. You don't even have to buy a hot guy in a bar a Coors Lite and he'll give you a world-class BJ.

 
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