By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
ARIES [March 21–April 19] If you play solitaire, your luck will be crazy strong in the coming weeks. If you have candid, wide-ranging talks with yourself in the mirror, the revelations are likely to be as interesting as if you had spoken directly with the river god or the angel of the sunrise. Taking long walks alone could lead to useful surprises, and so would crafting a new declaration of independence for yourself. It'll also be an excellent time to expand your skills at giving yourself pleasure. Please understand that I'm not advising you to be isolated and lonely. I merely want to emphasize the point that you're due for some breakthroughs in your relationship with yourself.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] Are you in possession of a talent or interest or inclination or desire that no one else has? Is there some unique way you express what it means to be human? According to my understanding of the long-term astrological omens, the coming months will be your time to cultivate this specialty with unprecedented intensity; it'll be a window of opportunity to be more practical than ever before in making your signature mark on the world. Between now and your next birthday, I urge you to be persistent in celebrating the one-of-a-kind truth that is your individuality.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] "Message in a bottle" is not just a pirate-movie cliché. It's a form of communication that has been used throughout history for serious purposes. England's Queen Elizabeth I even appointed an official uncorker of ocean bottles. And as recently as 2005, a message in a bottle saved the lives of 88 refugees adrift in the Caribbean Sea on a damaged boat. Glass, it turns out, is an excellent container for carrying seaborne dispatches. In accordance with the astrological omens, I nominate "message in a bottle" to be your metaphor for the rest of 2012. Here's one way to apply this theme: Create a message you'd like to send to the person you will be in five years, perhaps a declaration of what your highest aspirations will be between now and then. Write it on paper and stash it in a bottle. Store this time capsule in a place you won't forget and open it in 2017.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] Every 10,000 years or so, reports the Weekly World News, hell actually does freeze over. A rare storm brings a massive amount of snow and ice to the infernal regions, and even the Lake of Fire looks like a glacier. "Satan himself was seen wearing earmuffs and making a snowman," the story says about the last time it happened. I foresee a hell-freezes-over type of event happening for you in the coming months, Cancerian—and I mean that in a good way. The seemingly impossible will become possible. For best results, be ready to shed your expectations at a moment's notice.
LEO [July 23–August 22] "In purely spiritual matters, God grants all desires," said philosopher and activist Simone Weil. "Those who have less have asked for less." I think this is a worthy hypothesis for you to try out in the next nine months, Leo. To be clear: It doesn't necessarily mean you will get a dream job and a perfect lover and 10 million dollars. What it does suggest is this: You can have any relationship with the Divine Wow that you dare to imagine; you can get all the grace you need to understand why your life is the way it is; you can make tremendous progress as you do the lifelong work of liberating yourself from your suffering.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] A plain old ordinary leap of faith might not be ambitious enough for you in the coming months, Virgo. I suspect your potential is more robust than that, more primed for audacity. How would you feel about attempting a quantum leap of faith? Here's what I mean by that: a soaring pirouette that sends you flying over the nagging obstacle and up onto higher ground, where the views are breathtakingly vast instead of half-vast.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] "The dream which is not fed with dream disappears," said writer Antonio Porchia. Ain't that the truth! Especially for you right now. These past few months, you've been pretty good at attending to the details of your big dreams. But beginning any moment, it will be time for you to refresh your big dreams with an infusion of fantasies and brainstorms. You need to return to the source of your excitement and feed it and feed it and feed it.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] A Chinese businessman named Hu Xilin is the champion fly-killer of the world. Ever since one of the buzzing pests offended him at the dinner table back in 1997, he has made it his mission to fight back. He says he has exterminated more than 10 million of the enemy with his patented "Fly Slayer" machine. And oh, by the way, his obsession has made him a millionaire. It's possible, Scorpio, that your story during the second half of 2012 will have elements in common with Hu Xilin's. Is there any bad influence you could work to minimize in such a way that it might ultimately earn you prizes—or at least deep satisfaction?
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] From the 14th through the 18th centuries, many towns in England observed a curious custom. If a couple could prove that they had gone a year and a day without ever once being sorry they got married, the two of them would receive an award: a side of cured pork, known as a flitch of bacon. Alas, the prize was rarely claimed. If this practice were still in effect, you Sagittarians would have an elevated chance of bringing home the bacon in the coming months. Your ability to create harmony in an intimate relationship will be much higher than usual.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] "If I had my life to live over," said Nadine Stair at age 85, "I would perhaps have more actual problems, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones." I suggest you write out that quote, Capricorn, and keep it close to you for the next six months. Your task will be to train yourself so you can expertly distinguish actual problems from imaginary ones. Part of your work, of course, will be to get in the habit of immediately ejecting any of the imaginary kind the moment you notice them creeping up on you.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] Astronomer Percival Lowell (1855–1916) was instrumental in laying the groundwork that led to the discovery of Pluto. But he also put forth a wacky notion or two. Among the most notable: He declared, against a great deal of contrary evidence, that the planet Mars was laced with canals. You have the potential to be a bit like him in the coming months, Aquarius: mostly a wellspring of innovation but sometimes a source of errant theories. Be humble and ask for feedback.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] Throughout the 16th century and even beyond, European explorers trekked through the New World hunting for the mythical land of El Dorado: the Lost City of Gold. The precious metal was supposedly so abundant there that it was even used to make children's toys. The quest was ultimately futile, though it led the explorers to stumble upon lesser treasures of practical value—the potato, for example. After being brought over to Europe from South America, it became a staple food. I'm foreseeing a comparable progression in your own world during the coming months: You might not locate the gold, but you'll find the equivalent of the potato.