By Albert Samaha
By Darwin BondGraham
By Keegan Hamilton
By Anna Merlan
By Anna Merlan
By Tessa Stuart
By Tessa Stuart
By Albert Samaha
Here are the blind items of the century, a scandalous mass of queries hand-stuffed with raunchy innuendo and drizzled with glistening insight into the way we live, love, and accessorize. These tawdry tidbits will drive you batty with desire while making you itch with tempestuous titillation. You're welcome.
Which wife of a conservative senator said to the wife of another conservative senator, "Callista Gingrich is a whore"? ...Which gay entrepreneur has been known to arbitrarily throw out blacks, women, and any other groups of people he decides are ruining his club, only to cower, coked up, in the corner when the cops come? ... Which Oscar-nominated blowhard bristled when his lowbrow movie comedy was called "silly" by a reporter and became downright outraged when the same writer compared it to an Eddie Murphy film? (In actuality, even Norbit looked like Downton Abbey compared to parts of this flick.) ... Which ex-boybander picked up a guy who was thrilled about it until the next morning because, as the guy relates: "He was singing show tunes in my shower! I just wanted him to fucking leave!"?
Which star recently played an evil character, only to have those who know her—as opposed to her image—squeal, "Perfect casting"? ... Which daughter of a late socialite used to lube herself from head to toe in an attempt to seduce a Siberian husky? (The maid would find the daughter all scratched up and the dog traumatized, with a distended penis. She'd start frantically crossing herself.) ... Which media mogul cheats a whole lot, always with younger men (big surprise)? ... Which old legend, whenever she's taken out to dinner, makes sure to order another meal to take home with her, just because it'll be paid for? ... Which writer told me he was gonna make it big, so he wouldn't have to be a "hack" like me for the rest of his life, only to get in a brawl at a bar when the doorman had no idea who he is?
Which '70s writer and her husband who sat next to me during a recent play had a lively conversation at full volume all throughout the performance? ("Who's that?" "He looks old!"; "Who blackmailed him?" "The KGB!"; "This scene reminds me of the conversation we had about our vacation." "Really?") Why didn't I shut them up? (Free answer: They were entertaining!) ... Which daytime TV motormouth is not nice to work with, one producer never forgetting her brusque entrance into the studio? ("Where's my fucking latte?") ... Which really old Broadway legend—not the free-dinner one—tells friends that she only got pregnant because her ex-athlete husband punctured holes in her diaphragm? (Her offspring isn't thrilled about it, believe me.)
Which overnight TV star has gone a bit cuckoo from the attention and is being referred to as "the new [Glee star]?" ... Which perky Broadway type is partly so perky because she simply adores the coke when it's offered? (And it's offered!) ... Which theater star happens to be the girl who once sued an actor for having sex with a minor? (I don't take this one lightly. It's a serious mess, and my lips are matted and sealed.) ... Which faded-icon-turned-hatemonger should stop promoting family values, seeing as insiders remember his extramarital flings with every female flight attendant with wings? ... Which married star's first boyfriend, pre-fame, was a cute Mexican guy he shared a place with in California? (The Mexican now owns a gallery way out west, where he's enjoying his anonymity.)
Which Best Actress Oscar winner was known to yell at her assistant, when the gal was innocently taking dictation: "Why are you looking at me? Look at the wall! Look elsewhere! Stop looking at me!"? (Funny, that lady usually loves people looking at her.) ... Which Tony nominee is such a diva she wouldn't even put her own fingers down her throat to vomit? (She'd have her dresser do it. Talk about outsourcing.) ... Which married movie star works out with a gay cop in the West Village and has been seen with the guy quite a bit elsewhere, too?
Which gym has been deserted by those who feel it has become rundown, with equipment not kept up properly, the steam room closed off for too long, and occasionally just cold water shooting out of the shower nozzles? ... Which new hotel that I toured in the evening had no one in the gym, no one in the sauna, and only one apparent customer walking around?
Could that dog-whisperer guy really be straight? ... Which once-trendy designer has burned so many bridges that a recent press request was greeted with silence? (Coincidentally, he was recently spotted pulling a hot dog out of a garbage pail and eating it! So not chic!)
And now for a glimpse at the three faces of evil: Which singer/rapper/diva stood up a magazine's crew who'd gone all the way to Middle America to photograph her? Which national magazine did she stiff by sitting for about six photos, then saying, "I'm not feeling it," and sailing through the exit? (She later rescheduled but changed her mind about the stylist at practically the last minute, thereby scuttling the whole thing one more time.) Which other magazine did she screw by grabbing the film out of the photographer's hands when she decided the photos that had been taken weren't to her liking? And which up-and-coming version of the same lady is acting every bit the nightmare herself lately?
Finally, which gossip-columnist-slash-blogger isn't the least bit surprised by any of this? Now where's my fucking latte?
Here's one for ya! Which Conservative ex-Poli husband is a National pimp? In fact David Chaney of the Secret Service Scandal got a hand job by his fave Juicy gurl? Hint: He's soon to be on a "Reality show" and his daughter has a Failing reality show and is being sued by at least 3 people so far...?
I LOVE you Michael or is it I lust after you--I always get them mixed up!! Thanks for bringing a smile to my face every blog!
"Which theater star happens to be the girl who once sued an actor for having sex with a minor?" Cristin Milioti/James Stacy Barbour
Oscar nominated blow-hard Alec Baldwin Perfect casting Julia Roberts Daytime motor mouth Kathy Lee Gifford Hatemonger John Voight
senator's wife: Anne Romney gay club owner: Carl Paladino Oscar nominated blowhard: Tom Cruise former boybander: Matthew Morrison perfect casting: Julia Roberts as the Evil Queen in Mirror, Mirror cheating media mogul: Barry Diller old legend: Liza with a Z 70's writer: Erica Jong daytime motormouth: Elisabeth Hasselbeck pregnant Broadway legend: Carol Channing overnight TV star: NeNe Leakes Broadway cokehead: Sutton Foster nasty theater star: Jon Voight demanding Best Actress: Babs bulimic Tony nominee: Kirstin Chenoweth cop-loving movie star: Travolta designer: John Galliano three faces of evil rapper: Nicki Minaj
Which old legend orders two dinners because it'll be paid for? My guess is Elaine Stritch. Chatty Entertaining Couple - Erica Jong? Perfect casting: Not Julia Roberts! Say it isn't so! I'd rather believe it was Charlize Theron. 3 faces of evil: Rihanna?
Marky Mark re the "Oscar-nominated blowhard" (who I bet is also a Republican) Barbra Streisand re the "why are you looking at me?" diva Elaine May re "the 70s writer"? Rachael Ray re "daytime TV motormouth"? Hope I am right. :))
Carol Channing is the old Broadway legend with the ex-athlete husband who poked holes in the condoms.