By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
ARIES [March 21–April 19] You will never be able to actually gaze upon your own face. You may of course see a reasonable likeness of it in mirrors, photos, and videos. But the real thing will always be forever visible to everyone else, but not you. I think that's an apt symbol for how hard it is to get a totally objective view of your own soul. No matter how sincere you might be in your efforts to see yourself clearly, there will always be fuzziness. The coming weeks will be an excellent time to see yourself better than ever before.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] I've got four related pieces of advice for you, Taurus: 1. The most reliable way for you to beat the system is to build your own more interesting system. 2. The most likely way to beat your competitors is not to fight them, but rather to ignore them and compete only against yourself. 3. To escape the numbing effects of an outworn tradition, you could create a fresh tradition. 4. If you have a problem that is not only impossible to solve but also boring, find yourself a fascinating new problem.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] "Dear Doctor of Love: My heart is itchy. What I mean is that the prickling sensation originates in the throbbing organ inside of me. Have you heard of such a crazy thing? Could it be some astrological phenomenon? What should I do? – Itchy-Hearted Gemini." Dear Gemini: I suspect that it's not just you, but many Geminis, who are experiencing symptoms like yours. From what I can tell, you have a lot of trapped feelings in your heart that need to be identified, liberated, and dealt with.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] If you make a conscious decision to combine plaids with stripes, I will approve. If, on the other hand, you create combinations like that because you're oblivious or lazy, I will disapprove. The same holds true about any hodgepodge or hybrid or mishmash you generate, Cancerian: It'll receive cosmic blessings if you do it with purpose, but not if it's the result of being inattentive.
LEO [July 23–August 22] Should we boycott the writing of Edgar Allan Poe because he married his 13-year-old cousin when he was 26? Those are the kinds of questions I suspect you'll have to deal with in the coming days, Leo. I encourage you to avoid having knee-jerk reactions.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] Arthur Turner, a Virgo reader from Austin, is upset with my recent horoscopes. In his e-mail, he wrote the following: "You're making me mad with your predictions of nonstop positivity, Brezsny. I need more dirt and grit and muck." Here's my response to him and to any other Virgo who feels like him: I'm afraid you're scheduled to endure even more encounters with cosmic benevolence in the coming week. If these blessings feel oppressive, try to change your attitude about them.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] The humorous science journal Annals of Improbable Research published a paper entitled "The Effects of Peanut Butter on the Rotation of the Earth." Signed by 198 Ph.D. physicists, it came to this conclusion: "So far as we can determine, peanut butter has no effect on the rotation of the Earth." If possible, Libra, I suggest you summon a comparable amount of high-powered expertise for your own purposes. But please make sure that those purposes are weightier than the question of peanut butter's role on our planet's movements. Round up the best help you can, but only for a truly important cause.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] September 16 is the first day of Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year. So begins 10 days of repentance. Whether or not you're Jewish, Scorpio, you are entering an astrological phase when taking stock of yourself would be a brilliant move. I invite you to try the following self-inventory, borrowed from the Jewish organization Chadeish Yameinu. 1. What would you like to leave behind from the past 12 months? 2. What has prevented you from living up to your highest standards and being your best self? 3. What would you love to bring with you into the next 12 months? 4. Who served as a teacher for you in the past year? 5. Were you a teacher for anyone? 6. Is there anyone you need to forgive? 7. How will you go about forgiving?
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] If I'm accurately interpreting the astrological omens, the coming months will be a soulful feast in which every day will bring you a shimmering revelation about the nature of your soul's code and how best to activate it. Reasons for grateful amazement will flow so freely that you might come to feel that miracles are routine. And get this: In your dreams, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty will get married, win the lottery, and devote their fortune to fostering your spiritual education until you are irrevocably enlightened.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] A reader named Marissa begged me to insert a secret message into the Capricorn horoscope. She wanted me to influence Jergen, a guy she has a crush on, to open up his eyes and see how great she is. I told her I wouldn't do it. Why? For one thing, I never try to manipulate people into doing things that aren't in alignment with their own desires. For another, I faithfully report on my understanding of the tides of fate and refuse to just make stuff up. I suspect you may soon be invited or coaxed to engage in what amounts to some tainted behavior. Don't do it. Make an extra effort to be incorruptible.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] "The far away, the very far, the farthest, I have found only in my own blood," said poet Antonio Porchia. Let's make that thought your keynote, Aquarius. Your assignment will be to search for what's most exotic and unknown, but only in the privacy of your own heart. For now at least, the inner realm is the location of the laboratory where the most useful experiments will unfold. Borrowing from novelist Carole Maso: "Make love to the remoteness in yourself."
PISCES [February 19–March 20] It would be an excellent time for you to elope, even if you do so with the person to whom you're already mated. You might also consider the possibility of wearing a wedding dress everywhere you wander, even if there is no marriage ceremony in your immediate future, and even if you're a man. Please at least do something that will symbolize your intention to focus on intimacy with an intensified sense of purpose. Fling rice at yourself. Seek out someone who'll give you lessons in how to listen. Compose and recite vows in which you pledge to become an utterly irresistible and reliable ally.