News & Politics

Zombie Apocalypse: Another Naked Cannibal Hits The Sunshine State; Bath Salts Suspected

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Happy Friday! The sun is shining, it’s hot as balls outside, and there’s a brand new cannibal zombie story coming out of Florida.

For the second time in less than a month, a Florida man is accused of stripping completely naked before dining on the flesh of another human being. Per usual, bath salts are suspected.

According to a report from the Miami New Times, one of the Voice’s sister papers in Florida, 26-year-old Charles Baker went to the home of his girlfriend Wednesday night to visit his son. The brief visit took a turn for the worse when Baker barged into the home, stripped naked, and started throwing furniture around. He then bit a chunk of flesh out of a man who lived there.

The bite-ee, Jeffery Blake, tried to restrain the naked Baker as he
started going berserk. As he was restraining him, Baker bit a chunk of
flesh out of his arm.

Despite the biting, Blake managed to restrain Baker until police arrived
— but even the cops weren’t able to immediately calm him down.

One of the responding officers zapped Baker with his Taser, which did a
whole lot of nothing — Baker continued to go crazy. It wasn’t until he
was electrocuted three times — and other officers arrived — that
police were able to detain him.

Baker was taken to a local hospital for evaluation before getting taken to jail.

At the time of the alleged biting, Baker was under the influence of something.
While it’s unclear what substance Baker ingested before raising hell
and eating another human being, bath salts are the obvious candidate —
as was likely the case in one of the more horrifying acts of zombie-ism in recent memory,
which also just happened to occur in Florida.

As you may remember, Miami “zombie” Rudy Eugene
was
under the influence of drugs at the time of a brutal attack that left
the victim, Ronald Poppo, without a face. That drug, of course, was bath
salts.

A Louisiana man also is suspected of being under the influence of bath
salts when he gnawed the face of his neighbor earlier this month. More
on that here.

This is now the eighth cannibalism story to make headlines in the last
month, and the hype of the ongoing zombie apocalypse has become so
widespread that the Centers for Disease Control even issued a statement
last month saying that the “CDC does not know of a virus or condition
that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like
symptoms).”

Sorry, folks — it appears we’re in the midst of a bath salt apocalypse — not zombie.

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