By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
ARIES [March 21–April 19] "If you would hit the mark, you must aim a little above it," wrote 19th-century poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. "Every arrow that flies feels the attraction of the earth." This is good counsel for you to keep in mind during the coming weeks, Aries. I suspect you will have a good, clear shot at a target you've been trying to get close to for a long time.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] If you learn a novel idea while you are blitzed, you will probably forget it when you sober up. And it will remain forgotten as long as you abstain. But there's a good chance you will recall the vanished information the next time you get loopy. I'm telling you this, Taurus, because even if you haven't been inebriated lately, you have definitely been in an altered state of consciousness. I'm afraid that when you come back down to earth in a few days, you might lose some of the luminous insights you've been adding to your repertoire. Is there anything you can do to ensure you will retain these treasures?
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] Studying the movements of the planets is my main way of discerning the hidden currents of fate. I sometimes supplement my investigations by reading Tarot cards and the Chinese "Book of Changes," also known as the I Ching. To arrive at your horoscope this week, I used all of the above as well as: catoptromancy, which is divination by gazing into a mirror underwater; cyclomancy, or divination by watching a wheel that's turning; geloscopy, divination by listening to random laughter; and margaritomancy, divination by observing bouncing pearls. Here's what I found: You now have the power to discern previously unfathomable patterns in a puzzling mystery you've been monitoring. You also have the ability to correctly surmise the covert agendas of allies and adversaries alike. Maybe best of all, you can discover certain secrets you've been concealing from yourself.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] "To be reborn is a constantly recurring human need," said drama critic Henry Hewes. I agree. We all need to periodically reinvent ourselves—to allow the old ways to die so that we can resurrect ourselves in unforeseen new forms. According to my analysis, Cancerian, your next scheduled rebirth is drawing near. For best results, don't cling to the past; don't imitate what has always worked before. Instead, have faith that surrendering to the future will bring you the exact transformation you need.
LEO [July 23–August 22] My readers Paul and Sophie wrote to let me know they have patched together three Latin words to invent a term for a new concept: vomfiabone. They say it means "a curse that becomes a blessing." Here's an example in their lives: While driving home from work together, they experienced car trouble and had to pull over to the shoulder of the road, where they called a tow truck. Later they discovered that this annoying delay prevented them from getting caught in the middle of an accident just up ahead. Extrapolating from the current astrological omens, I'm guessing that you will experience at least one vomfiabone in the coming week, Leo.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] I bet that in the next five months you will be obliged to carry more responsibility than you have in the past. I suspect that during this time you will also have the privilege of wielding more influence. The effect you have on people will be more pronounced and enduring. In short, Virgo, your workload will be greater than usual and so will your rewards. To the degree that you serve the greater good, you will be a major player. Concentrate on the work and service and responsibility part of this equation.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] Do you know what a "binky" is? It's what a rabbit does when it gets so crazily happy that it exuberantly leaps up into the air, stretching and twisting its body as it flicks and flops its feet. I'm going to predict that you'll soon be having some binky-inducing experiences, when abundant levels of fun and well-being might be quite normal.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] You know that area on your back that you can't quite reach if you want to scratch it? It's called your acnestis. I propose that we make it your featured metaphor of the week. I suspect you will have to deal with a couple of itchy situations that are just beyond your ability to relieve. This might be frustrating in the short run, but it will ultimately make you even more resourceful than you already are.
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] "We need new friends," said essayist Logan Pearsall Smith. "Some of us are cannibals who have eaten their old friends up; others must have ever-renewed audiences before whom to re-enact an ideal version of their lives." Smith could have been talking about you Sagittarians in early 2013. According to my interpretation of the astrological omens, you need some fresh alliances.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] A San Francisco writer named Maneesh Sethi decided he was wasting too much time on the Internet. His productivity was suffering. So he hired a woman to sit next to him as he worked and yell at him or slap his face every time his attention wandered off in the direction of Facebook or a funny video. It worked. He got a lot more done. Start brainstorming about some interesting yet practical new ways to enhance your self-discipline, please.