By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES [March 21–April 19] In the course of her world travels, writer Jane Brunette has seen many wonderful things—as well as a lot of trash. The most beautiful litter, she says, is in Bali. She loves the "woven palm leaf offerings, colorful cloth left from a ceremony, and flowers that dry into exquisite wrinkles of color." Your assignment, Aries, is to adopt a perceptual filter akin to Brunette's. Is there any stuff other people regard as worthless or outworn that you might find useful, interesting, or even charming? I'm speaking metaphorically as well as literally.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] The Old Testament tells the story of a man named Methuselah, who supposedly didn't die until he was 969 years old. Some Kabbalistic commentators suggest that he didn't literally walk the earth for almost ten centuries. Rather, his experiences were profoundly rich. He packed 969 years' worth of meaningful adventures into a normal life span. I prefer that interpretation, and I'd like to invoke it as I assess your future. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, Taurus, you will have Methuselah's talent in the coming weeks.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] In the coming weeks, I'm expecting your life to verge on being epic and majestic . . . and possibly heroic. You might finally activate a sleeping potential or tune in to your future power spot or learn what you've never been able to grasp before. And if you capitalize gracefully on the kaleidoscopic kismet that's flowing your way, I bet you will make a discovery that will fuel you for the rest of your long life. In mythical terms, you will create a new Grail or tame a troublesome dragon—or both.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] Jackalopes resemble jackrabbits, except that they have antlers like deer and tails like pheasants. They love whiskey and only have sex during storms; the milk of the female has curative properties. Strictly speaking, however, the jackalope doesn't actually exist. Yet Wyoming lawmakers have decided to honor it, beginning the process of making it the state's official mythical creature. I bring this to your attention, Cancerian, because now would be an excellent time to select your own official mythical creature. The evocative presence of this fantastic fantasy would inspire your imagination to work more freely and playfully, which is just what you need. What'll it be? Dragon? Sphinx? Phoenix? Here's a list: tinyurl.com/MythicCritters.
LEO [July 23–August 22] The temptation to hide what you're feeling could be strong right now. You may wonder if you should protect yourself and others from the unruly truth. But according to my analysis, you will be most brilliant and effective if you're cheerfully honest. That's the strategy most likely to provide healing, too—even if its initial effects are unsettling. It won't be enough merely to communicate the easy secrets with polite courage. You will have to tap into the deepest sources you know and unveil the whole story with buoyantly bold elegance.
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] The word "chain" may refer to something that confines or restricts. But it can also mean a series of people linked together because of their common interests and their desire to create strength through unity. I believe that one of those two definitions will play an important role in your life during the coming weeks, Virgo. If you proceed with the intention to emphasize the second meaning, you will minimize and maybe even eliminate the first.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] People in Sweden used to drive their cars on the left side of the road. But a growing body of research revealed it would be better if everyone drove on the right. So on September 3, 1967, everyone switched over. All non-essential traffic was halted for hours to accommodate the necessary adjustments. What were the results? Lots of motorists grumbled, but the transition was smooth. In fact, the accident rate went down. I think you'd benefit from doing a comparable ritual sometime soon, Libra. Which of your traditions or habits could use a fundamental revision?
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] When a woman is pregnant, her womb stretches dramatically, getting bigger to accommodate the growing fetus. I suspect you'll undergo a metaphorically similar process in the coming weeks. A new creation will be gestating, and you'll have to expand as it ripens. You'll have to get smarter and more sensitive in order to give it the care it needs. You'll have to increase your capacity for love. Don't worry: You won't have to do it all at once. "Little by little" is your watchword.
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] Do you floss while meditating? Do you text and put on makeup as you drive? Do you simultaneously eat, pay bills, watch TV, and exercise? If so, you are probably trying to move too fast and do too much. Even in normal times, that's no good. But in the coming week, it should be taboo. You need to slowwww wayyyy dowwwn, Sagittarius. Compel yourself . . . to do . . . one thing . . . at a time. I say this not just because your mental and physical and spiritual health depend on it. Certain realizations about your future are on the verge of popping into your awareness—but they'll only pop if you are in a calm and unhurried state.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] To make the world a better place, stress-loving workaholics may need to collaborate with slow-moving underachievers. Serious business might be best negotiated in places like bowling alleys or parking lots. Definitely consider seeking out curious synergies and unexpected alliances. It's an odd grace period, Capricorn. Don't assume you already know how to captivate the imaginations of people whose influence you want in your life. Be willing to think thoughts and feel feelings you have rarely, if ever, entertained.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] Gawker.com came up with colorful ways to describe actress Zooey Deschanel. In a weird coincidence, their pithy phrases for her seem to fit the moods and experiences you will soon be having. I guess you could say you're scheduled to have a Zooey Deschanel–according-to-Gawker kind of week. Here are some of the themes: 1. Novelty ukulele tune. 2. Overemphatic stage wink. 3. Over-iced Funfetti cupcake. 4. Melted-bead craft project. 5. Bambi's rabbit friend. 6. Satchel of fairy dust. 7. Hipster labradoodle.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] You may have heard the thundering exhortation, "Know thyself!" As important as it is to obey this command, there is an equally crucial corollary: "Be thyself!" Don't you agree? Is there any experience more painful than not being who you really are? Could there be any behavior more damaging to your long-term happiness? If there is even the slightest gap, Pisces, now is an excellent time to start closing it. Push hard to further identify the nature of your authentic self, and then take aggressive steps to foster its full bloom.