Why I Hate Social Media! Don't 'Like' This Column!

I hate social networking media even more than yucca fries! Here are 25 tweetable, postable reasons why. (Add your own smiley face.)

I communicate every day with dozens of people I've never met. Meanwhile, real friends never call.... People beg you to "like" their page, as if that will somehow add substance to their yearning existence. Sadistically, I withhold all "liking." Hahahahahaha.... Gushy people in the provinces message you that they adore your work and are dying to be "friends" because you're so witty and amazing and they just want to soak in the glow of your greatness. You approve them, then they instantly start pitching their graphic novel that they're desperate for you to write about.... My "friends" usually comment on the titles of my posts without bothering to read the link. It's irritating, but I guess you're supposed to be grateful that they did that much.

The hardest trick in town is to write a nasty comment in response to someone who's left some hate on your page, then quickly "unfriend" them so they can't respond to your response, but I've got it down to a science.... Whenever someone on a Facebook thread is losing an argument, they put in their last bitter words, then sign off with "Off to the gym." That's code for "I'm dying here, so I'm going to act like I won the battle and pretend to not read the rest of the comments." As if they couldn't add some more whiny remarks from the gym anyway! ... Facebook messaging opens you up to a world of numbing conversational ice breakers like "Hey" and "How r u?" I'm deeply lonely, but not so much that I'd answer those inane come-ons.... Facebook friends kiss your ass all day and post dozens of photos of you, giving you the illusion of international fame. Then you leave the house and realize no one knows who you are.

To Musto: "I thought it was Stockard Channing on the cover, LOL."
Columbia Tristar Marketing Group, Inc.
To Musto: "I thought it was Stockard Channing on the cover, LOL."

When I write a pleading comment like "Let's leave Lindsay alone for a second," someone will immediately reply, "She should die in a car wreck, the low-life skanky cooze." ... Also, if you post something about, let's say, the 100 best child stars of all time, no one will comment on any of those choices, but people will line up to squawk, "You forgot Anna Chlumsky! And the kids from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!" ... Being tagged in a photo that has nothing to do with you is a nightmare, and you can't untag yourself since it was posted by someone you're having lunch with the next day.

All day long I get requests from a parade of whiners begging me to join LinkedIn. This has gone on for five years! I ain't linking in, people! ... But I am on Twitter, and I even tried putting hash tags on every tweet to get extra followers, but it didn't work, so I stopped that. Besides, why add bells and whistles to a brain flatulence when the whole point is to keep things short and insubstantial? ... Tweeting a lot is supposed to help your career, but the more you do it, the more people think, "He doesn't have a life, does he?" (They seem to forget that they're sitting there reading them all day.)

Celebrities hardly ever answer serious tweets from a respected journalist—or from me—but they'll reply to any bozo in the hinterlands who happens to offend them. ("My mother sucks cocks in hell? Oh, yeah? Well, it's your mother's cock!") They'll even respond to people with nine followers! ... My followers "favorite" my tweets all the time. WTF good is that gonna do me? That's the equivalent of "liking" something on Facebook. Either retweet it or just mind your own freakin' business.... If I tweet "I just made potato leek soup," it gets as many retweets as one of my breaking stories that could change cultural history. Maybe I should just stick to recipes.... Blocking Twitter nightmares after you tell them off is as rapid-fire a game as unfriending the Facebook haters, and it's every bit as gratifying.

I've "followed" people as a complete charity fuck, only to realize they never followed me back. I usually decide to unfollow them, then start wondering if it's worth giving them that much power.... You lie and tell someone you have to stay home and work the night they're having a birthday party, only to have people tweet that you're actually at Whole Foods, then a club, then an after party, then riding your bike in circles. Busted times four.... Why look at cute photos of cats on Instagram when you can see them actually moving and making sounds on YouTube?

The "yawn" trolls, "Does it matter?" gnomes, and "Slow news week?" creeps are the most annoying people in Christendom. Nothing is more boring than some dullard who spends the day pissing on other people's parties. When you write "Man killed on subway" and they reply "yawn," you want to bash in your screen but settle for a quick blocking action.... Social media provide the irritating chance for people to spew the same exact things in different places. When I dressed like Angelina for the year-end Voice cover, a guy Facebooked me that I actually looked like Stockard Channing, then he tweeted the same hilarious observation, and then he e-mailed me, "Happy New year! I thought it was Stockard Channing on the cover, lol." Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off.... At the theater, a guy I hung with last year kept saying, "I'm one of the few people who's not using you. I like you for you." Then I noticed him looking down and tinkling the ivories on his cell phone. It turned out he was putting on Facebook, "I'm with Michael Musto!" ... Even more tragically, I was flattered....

Read more Michael Musto at La Dolce Musto

musto@villagevoice.com

 
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23 comments
kjh86xr
kjh86xr

If it comes to the time where you are REQUIRED to have a Facebook page in order to land a job then make an empty one with it locked down.  Set you're privacy to maximum and not download the *apps* which most of them are either crap or if it's good then it has spyware/trojans designed to wreck you're computer or spy on you.


Thanks BO for smelling up the country and thanks Republicans for being fake and caving in!     *Goes and gets some Rinse O White*  No racial intentions here!

kjh86xr
kjh86xr

Actually the traffic doesn't come from social media but from search engines.

madezmoi
madezmoi

You hate social media, yet you're making a profit from it. Look around this page. Ads everywhere. Where do you think your money is coming from? If you truly hate social media, why blog on a site that depends on traffic and social media to survive? LOL. Don't bite the hand that feeds you comes to mind. 

Now me personally, I'm disappointed in seeing where the internet is going. 99% of what goes "viral" is stupid. Stupid animations get credit and fans for being original, when really it's crap they've taken from other people. Then there are those people who get mad that they give their information on the internet. STOP JOINING SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES and no one will know about you. It's that simple. 

dreamfantasy03
dreamfantasy03

I must admit, I got tired of reading, but I am in agreeance with most of what I've read! :-)

IhateFB
IhateFB

It is a very sad day when someones self esteem depends on how "likes" their comment gets. Geez, cry me a river......

rwegoing2wintogether
rwegoing2wintogether

i am so tired of hearing about facebook, twitter, blah blah blah deal with it , suck to be you or I'm better than you.   Texters not driving, ugly side pics on the yahoo or just demonic people in general who like to target good people as mostly I'm sorry HER problem.   I have gotten evil looks and rotten messages as to being cyberbullied.   Wasn't my time in high school unbearable enough?????   nOW I don't even feel safe going to a job because as I work (really work) somebody is trying to look me up and can't find me.   why ?   because I DON'T BELIEVE IN A SOCIALIST PROPAGANDA!!!!!!!!!!  AS an American Citizen am aloud to speak as I need, feel as I want and be with whom treats me with respect.   NO job , amount of "FACEBOOK" friends or anyone else is going to change my mind.   Will it be harder yep.  Any regrets NO.   Sorry if you never felt the need to remind your conscious what you are doing to MILLIONS OF PEOPLE.   Stop the media and ugly rhetoric and verbal, social, and physical abuse everyday.   People need to experience the true meaning of freedom.   If you feel I am oppressed or regressed in society because of being single, overweight, brown hair , boobs or just being a woman.  Then sorry I don't care what you or your misguided two faced friend(s) say about me on facebook.  Because I gave you the chance to tell it to my face and guess what YOU coward. not me :)  

Whiner
Whiner

For a whining good time, go to The Bottom Whine, www.thebottomwhine.blogspot.com  The blogger whines about bra straps, manufacturers' labels that scratch your skin off, "your call is very important to us," (isn't), people who perpetually smile and can't be trusted, the death of civility, and, yes, parasitic companies who try to make $$$$ selling you information about who UNFRIENDED and UNFOLLOWED you. 

Whiner
Whiner

For a whining good time, go to The Bottom Whine, www.thebottomwhine.blogspot.com  The blogger whines about bra straps, manufacturers' labels that scratch your skin off, "your call is very important to us," (isn't), people who perpetually smile and can't be trusted, the death of civility, and, yes, parasitic companies who try to make $$$$ selling you information about who UNFRIENDED and UNFOLLOWED you. 

ibivi
ibivi

You are such a card!  Haven't you learned that social media is a total waste of time???  All you're doing is giving Facebook more stuff that they can sell and Twitter is a even worse.  I got sick of reading retweets and I rarely go on there anymore.  I used to follow Anderson Cooper and all I ever got were programming notes.  Ah duh!  At least people still read emails and respond.  Posting comments to most sites is pretty useless too because of the idiotic stuff that goes up.  Face-to-face is still the best way to communicate.  But you know that already.  Regards.

password
password

i know you musto. you were riding your bike down lexington in the 30s in january and i said "hey, its michael musto!"

Jean-Pierre A. Fenyo
Jean-Pierre A. Fenyo

When Michael Musto writes an article in The VV about The Original New York City Free Advice Man I'll be happy!

charlipenn
charlipenn

I can't believe 69 people liked it anyway. Probably didn't even read it. Loved this -- thank you.

Billy
Billy

This had me smiling and shaking my head YES YES YES...and no I wasn't looking at shirtless pics of the male Price is Right model. Great article, Musto!

blissbaby
blissbaby

I've gotten good at the blocking thing too! You become a real whiz at it.

jackson30
jackson30

Briliant. Spot on. I 'like' it.

TJLYOM
TJLYOM

@madezmoi  Ads are not social media - they are online advertising, which has been around long before "social media" was another shit buzzword coming out of greedy CEOs and marketers' money-hungry mouths. I fucking hate all of you.

kjh86xr
kjh86xr

@rwegoing2wintogether Damn it!  My comment wont show up!  I will just leave it short and say I agree with what you said about this being a push towards the socialist agenda as stupid as it sounds I can see the long term trend.   


Look up Fabian Society and see how they are using the media and government as leverage for a *non violent* take over of America.


I don't even know if this post will show up due to using the word socialist.

kjh86xr
kjh86xr

@rwegoing2wintogether   Thank you!  I thought I was the only one that felt social media was being used to herd us into the one world socialist planned society by the utopians who think "Nobody can be corrupted*.  


I miss the days when sites used to allow guest posting.  Have you notice whenever major websites do so called *upgrades* it always winds up being downgrades due to trying to be *flashy* with heavy intensive graphics that don't have very much meat on them? 


We need an internet 2.0 for programmers and hobbiests or however you spell that word!   I am having a nasty sore throat and can't get my brain out of second gear!

 
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