By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
ARIES [March 21–April 19] I was too lazy to write your horoscope this week, so I went to a website that hawks bumper stickers and copied a few of its slogans to use as your "advice." Here you go: 1. Never follow a rule off a cliff. 2. Have the courage to honor your peculiarities. 3. It's never too late to have a rebellious adolescence. 4. Never make anything simple and efficient when it can be elaborate and wonderful. APRIL FOOL! All the suggestions I just provided are in strict accordance with the astrological gestalt.
TAURUS [April 20–May 20] It's a perfect time to watch the cult classic film Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Alien, Flesh Eating, Hellbound, Zombified Living Dead. It will provide you with just the right inspiration as you deal with your own problems. APRIL FOOL! You're in a phase when you can make dramatic progress on long-standing dilemmas—but only if you surround yourself with positive, uplifting influences.
GEMINI [May 21–June 20] The coming week will be an excellent time to wash dishes, clean bathrooms, scrub floors, vacuum carpets, wash windows, do laundry, and clean the refrigerator. The more drudge work you do, the better you'll feel. APRIL FOOL! The truth is, you now have astrological license to seek out the most interesting work and play possible.
CANCER [June 21–July 22] You know what would be a really cool prank to pull off this April Fool's Day? Arrange to have rubber tires airlifted into a dormant volcano, then set them on fire. Smoke will pour out the top. Everyone who lives nearby will think the volcano is getting ready to explode. Later, when you reveal the hoax, your YouTube video will go viral and you'll become a celebrity. APRIL FOOL! Here's my real oracle for you: It is a good time to boost your visibility by doing something funny. Or to demonstrate your power by showing off your sense of humor.
LEO [July 23–August 22] It so happens that some Bart Simpson–style apologetic statements should be coming out of your mouth in the coming week, Leo. They include the following: "I will not strut around like I own the place." "I will not claim that I am deliciously saucy." "I will not instigate revolution." "I will not trade pants with others." "I will not carve gods." "I will not Xerox my butt." "I will not scream for ice cream." APRIL FOOL! You should consider doing things like that. And don't apologize!
VIRGO [August 23–September 22] The sport of ferret legging is an endurance contest. Participants vie to determine who can last longest as a live ferret runs loose inside their pants. The current record is five hours and 26 minutes, held by a retired British miner. But I predict that a Virgo will soon break that mark. Could it be you? APRIL FOOL! Though it is possible that there will soon be a pleasurable commotion happening in the area below your waist, I suspect that you will handle it pretty well.
LIBRA [September 23–October 22] Risk being a crazed fool for love, Libra. Get as wild and extreme as you've ever been if it helps you rustle up the closeness you're hungry for. Get down on your knees and beg, or climb a tree with a megaphone and profess your passion. APRIL FOOL! Now is an excellent time to be aggressive about going after the intimate connection you want. But I suggest you accomplish that by being ingenious and imaginative.
SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] British comedy team Monty Python did a sketch in which a policeman apprehends a criminal. The bad guy says, "Yes, I did it, but society is to blame." And the cop says, "Right! We'll arrest them instead." You should adopt this attitude, Scorpio. Blame everyone else but yourself for your problems and flaws. APRIL FOOL! It's time to take more responsibility for your actions. Bravely accept the consequences of what you've done—with your sense of humor fully engaged and a lot of compassion for yourself.
SAGITTARIUS [November 22–December 21] To banzai skydive, you hurl your folded-up parachute out of the airplane, wait a while, and then leap into mid-air yourself. Once you catch up with your parachute, strap it on and open it, ideally before you hit the earth. This kind of activity would be perfect for you right now. APRIL FOOL! I don't ever recommend banzai skydiving. Plain old skydiving is fine, though. The same principle applies in relation to any adventurousness: Push yourself, but not to an absurd degree.
CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] Should you relocate to Kazakhstan and grow sunflowers? Is it time to think about getting a job in Uruguay and living there for the next decade? Can you see yourself building your dream home in Morocco on a bluff overlooking the Atlantic Ocean? I suggest you spend some quality time thinking way outside the box about where you belong on this earth. APRIL FOOL! You should brainstorm about the kind of home you want to create and enjoy in the future. But that probably means revising and refining your current situation rather than leaving it all behind and starting over.
AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] Your brain has a bigger capacity than you realize. According to professor of psychology Paul Reber, it can hold the equivalent of 3 million hours' worth of television shows. As I'm sure you know, your brain is not even close to being full of that much data. And in accordance with the current astrological omens, I suggest you cram in as much new material as possible. APRIL FOOL! Now is an excellent time to pour more stuff into your brain, but you should be highly discerning about what you allow in there. Seek out the richest ideas, the most stimulating information, the best stories.
PISCES [February 19–March 20] July 2012 was a sad time in the history of mythic creatures. The National Ocean Service, a U.S. government agency, made a formal proclamation that there are no such things as mermaids. But I predict those stuffy know-it-alls will soon get a big shock, when a Piscean scientist presents evidence that mermaids are indeed real. APRIL FOOL! I don't really foresee the discovery of a flesh-and-blood mermaid, but I suspect that your tribe is now highly adept at extracting useful revelations and inspirations from dreams, visions, and fantasies.