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Alice Cooper Assesses Halloween Candy

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Last Halloween Alice Cooper was guest editor of this blog. We’ve just now gotten the blood out of the carpet. The smell of sulfur still remains. And though he left the place a wreck, afterward we went trick-or-treating with him through the Lower East Side. He murdered the first person unlucky enough to give him Candy Corn. This year, to avoid a similar mishap, we asked what Halloween candy won’t send Cooper into a blind rage.

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Mounds Bars
“Deep, dark chocolate and coconut. Mmmm. My teeth are almost hurting right now.”

See also: Ten Creepy Movies That Scare the Hell Out of Alice Cooper

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Red Vines
“Red licorice. From America.”

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Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
“Why? I don’t know. It’s the seven-year-old in me.”

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Circus Peanuts
“Big globs of orange sugar and marshmallow. Eww. Just plain caramels. My teeth are falling out already, and I need those two sharp ones for well…You know, your jugular vein. Circus peanuts: worst things in the world.”

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Candy Corn
“Should not be on this planet. Hate the stuff. I absolutely loathe candy corn for so many reasons.”

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Dum Dum Lollipops
“I think the name says it all.”

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Mini Candy Bars
“Mini candy bars, I’m all about. Butterfinger, Kit Kat, Mounds, Mr. Goodbar. One bite, and you’re in heaven.”

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Wax Lips
“Well, not good for kissing. But, if you just want to chew something all day with no taste, go ahead.”

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Necco Wafers
“Good church candy.”

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Tootsie Pops
Yes. I heavily endorse chocolate [and] grape Tootsie Pops.”

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Skittles
“Well, hell yeah. Sour Skittles – unbelievable.”

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Mike & Ike
“Really good if you don’t like your teeth.”

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Good & Plenty
“All. Day. Could live on them.”

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