Hey guys! SXSW is just around the corner! It’s the most exciting time for the music industry! With so much relevant stuff happening, it can be hard to process it all! Don’t worry, deep breaths, we got you! We have the inside scoop on where all the hip kids are going to be this week, and you’re in luck, because we’re happy to clue you in to all the completely real/totally not fake* super secret cool stuff going on. Let’s go!
See also: How To Do SXSW Like A Grizzled Old Man
Andrea Bocelli Bridge Show OK, so not many people know about this and you’d be wise to keep it on the down-low, but it’s been reported that Chaos in Tejas has scheduled one of their famed DIY bridge shows for famed Italian opera singer Andrea Bocelli. Bocelli has been in talks with Destruction Unit to be his backing band, and if the rumors are correct, their grimy, aggro-punk take on “Time to Stay Goodbye” will be in the running for song of the year.
Waiting In Line for 45 Goddamn Minutes to Meet Grumpy Cat Instead of calling your dad, you should spend 45 minutes of your Friday afternoon waiting in line somewhere in a crowded convention center hall to meet a cat you saw on the internet. As unprecedented ecological destruction continues to shorten the very lifespan of the human race, you could take a picture with the cat and get anywhere between 30 and 45 likes on Facebook.
Kanye West’s Listening Party Debuting New Sound Effects Album Fresh off the rampant critical success of Yeezus, we’ve been told Kanye West will be hosting a listening party somewhere in the Four Seasons of his new, 45-track sound effects album. According to our sources, the album features a door creak, and four different farts.
Morrissey Spits All Over Your Face and Hair at the NPR Showcase This has been bubbling under the whole industry for months now, and it looks like it’s been tentatively confirmed. Included in the VIP package at NPR’s Showcase will be an opportunity to enter a broom closet, and have legendary British pop singer Morrissey spit all over your face and hair. We’re told you’re allowed to either receive Morrissey’s saliva clothed or naked, but no physical contact is allowed in order to preserve the legality of the contract.
Drink a $7 Beer While Watching a Band You Don’t Actually Like That Much An exclusive opportunity available only at SXSW, it’s become clear to us that this year there will be literally hundreds of clubs around the greater Austin area allowing you to purchase and drink a $7 beer while watching a band you don’t actually like that much. Also included is the constant anxiety that perhaps you are not maximizing the relevancy of your particular brand posture.
Machete-ing Your Way through the Rainforest That Is Keith Morris’ Hair This is one of the best kept secrets in this year’s SXSW. If you enter Red Bull’s hashtag campaign, you could win a chance to be shrunk down to ant-sized, and then dropped into the tightly twisted gnarls of Keith Morris’ hair. Armed with only a machete, it will be up to you to slice your way through its sweaty perils, your only hope to escape through one of his many bubbling pores. This could be a beautiful death.
Watch God-Fearing Men and Women Play Rock Shows Sponsored by a Shoe Company Protip: spend your time at SXSW watching bright-eyed young men and women spark up an empathetic false hope that they’ve finally hit their big break after playing a 25 minute set in a building sponsored by a shoe company. Watch as the soulless music industry takes a band’s steadfast enthusiasm and uses it to sell a few more pairs of checkered slide-on shoes, sewn together by the bleeding fingers of disregarded Chinese orphans.
*By “not fake” we mean “completely fake.”