Every day, another app pops up to “disrupt” something painfully simple (like peeing). Invariably, the app goes public and, eventually, nets its child overlord enough cash to buy some seriously stupid shit. Sadly for our collective schadenfreude, not nearly enough of them are going full Kenny Powers with this new purchasing power. Luckily, the good people of New York Craigslist are here to help. Here’s a handful of over-the-top expensive and totally unnecessary stuff that New Yorkers are offloading on the internet. Newly minted Box millionaires, take note: This is how you really make a splash.
Strip Club, $850,000
You know what rhymes with “Scores”? Poors. Only middle managers and frat boys waste their time stuffing singles into any old G-string. Real contenders buy their own strip joints (and staff them entirely with Real Dolls if they so choose). This place’s state-of-the-art kitchen and majestic mock-Tudor exterior might even help you forget that you’re in New Jersey.
Gentleman’s Club FOR SALE!
(will NOT hold paper–cash deal ONLY!!)
If you are a Club Owner looking for a Sister Club or Investor looking to
own you own Gentleman’s Club, then this is a VERY RARE OPPORTUNITY!
The Club is located in Monmouth County on a busy highway. It is a free
standing building with plenty of parking and over 2500 sq. ft. The Club is
turn key and ready to go.
Please call or text Greg with any inquires at show contact info or email:
(PLEASE do not contact without proof of funds)
Real Doll 2, $7,000
If you learned anything from American Psycho, it’s that live human women are loud, expensive, and messy to maim. Spare yourself the hassle of an actual living partner with this lifelike Real Doll — according to the seller, her three openings are easily removed for cleaning. She also comes with a “removable vagina hair strip” (serious question: Are Real Doll owners taking it downtown on these?). And lest you fear that you’re getting sloppy seconds on a doll that has been, er, broken in, the seller insists she was “purchased for a photo shoot” and is brand-new in the box — so her orifices remain untainted (sorry).
Steermaster Custom Stepper, $4,495
CrossFit is for grandmas — you’re not really working out unless you’re getting cut on the carcass of a noble bovine creature. The “steermaster” is made and sold by Brooklyn-based GS Customs, who also have an armed forces tribute stairmaster for sale on eBay. Bonus bro points if you slam down a 16 oz steak after your workout.
A private jet is pretty much first on the list of post-windfall purchases, and this one is positively affordable (it’s selling elsewhere for $1.3 million). While the listing has no photos, the internet reveals that this modest jet is basically a Cadillac Escalade with wings (it seats a paltry eight passengers and features no fancy beds or chef’s kitchens). If the Lear is too entry-level for your tastes, there’s also a Gulfstream listed for $3 million, but you’ll have to send a minion all the way to Florida to pick it up.
Why settle for a bouncy castle when you can have a bouncy motherfucking kingdom? With multiple slides, a built-in twister, and various other fun-packed fields, this seems like the perfect office for impressing reporters and unpaid interns with your unconventional workspace. For an additional $2,900, you can subject prospective hires to this inflatable obstacle course and claim your rightful title as the worst human alive.
It seems like everyone has a Lambo or a Vanquish these days. Show them what really rich looks like by plowing through traffic in your personal firetruck. It’s amazing how quickly pesky pedestrians will scatter when you’re face-blasting them with hundreds of gallons of water at close range. Best of all, you’ll be the envy of every six-year-old for life.
Pinky Guest is the author of eBay Shop of Horrors and is obsessed with things that New Yorkers sell online. She spends hours perusing the shelves of Craigslist and eBay so you don’t have to. Read her Village Voice columns here.