Best of 2003!

You were expecting the worst?

TITLE: Grannies, Fatties, Pregnant Bitches & a Midget to Boot (Pure Filth). No midgets were actually booted during the production of this film (the politically incorrect refer to this a "dwarf tossing"), although there were a few times when I thought I might boot. Pick scene's starlet: N/A.

CONCEPT: "When are men gonna be the bitches?" one bi . . . er, woman strapped with a nine-incher asks. "How the fuck should I know!" her boy answers. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy taken to its logical extreme, Babes Ballin' Boys Volume 10 (Pleasure) stars adorable, apparently gay guys and refreshingly aggressive babes. I must admit that I felt stirrings watching the puckereds getting poked, but that just might've been the burrito I'd had for dinner. Chloe Devine, wearing Docs and a sky-blue dildo.

TRANSGENDER: Big-Ass She-Male All-Stars (Evil Angel), featuring South American ladies with weenies and pumped-up lips and butts, captures a Brazilian subculture you're not likely to hear about outside of the gender studies department. The male actors don't think they're gay (likewise, few of us acknowledge the homo implications of watching the ubiquitous cumshot, in which studs usually stroke themselves); meanwhile, we barely have the vocabulary to describe what the transgendered peeps identify themselves as—though "chicks with" dicks is clever! Patricia Arau'jo.

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"LESBIAN": Skye Blue thoughtfully directs the best Jenna in porn, Ms. Haze, in the sweet, delightful romp Jenna Loves Girls (Jill Kelly). Teen scenes rarely get more convincing than the one in which two pajama-clad sleepover guests pressure J. to prove that she knows how to give a blowjob. The life-changing tingles I felt watching the carrot scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High came rushing back and, after a few moments, spurting out.

BUTT SEX: I often use epigrams to take up space and give the impression that I am well-read. I found a doozy—taken from Maldoror, by the Comte de Lautréamont—for my column "Doin' It In the Butt!": "Oh! if instead of being a hell this universe had been but an immense celestial anus—behold the gesture I make, hard by my lower abdomen: yes, I would have plunged my prick through its bloodstained sphincter, smashing the very walls of its pelvis with my impetuous movements!" Call it what you will—anal, bringing the milk in through the back door, putting the tire iron in the trunk, fishin' in Muddy Creek, taking the hot dog out of the steamer and putting it into the bun, making Joe sit in the back of the pickup, poking out the ugly eye, cheap birth control, whatever—but the impetuous movements in Jules Jordan's Ass Worship #3: Bionic Butts (Evil Angel) are best described as ballet. Yep, Jordan directs some high-class stool-pushing. Stink one, pink zero. Gauge.

BLOWJOB: Though not exclusively a suck-off—a crazed Loni tosses salad, gets tiddy-fugged, and sits on a prick—Glazed and Confused (Elegant Angel) emphasizes outlandish oral. The facial glaze owes not just to groups of milling men, but gloopy spit these deep-throaters produce by the bucketful. Ashley Blue, Loni.

BUKKAKE: Either American pornographers think cumbaths befit busted washups, or our fresh actresses, though unembarrassed by gang-bangs, find semen-soakings a tad too humiliating. As artful as a flower arrangement, Japanese import Semen Club 2 (Waap Entertainment) shows youthful innocent Yui Kayama getting showered all over, murmuring and crying protests in Japanese—there is no equal in Puritanical psychodrama. Mini-vibrator orgasm scene.

FETISH: Local arthouse Bleu Visions offers perfect distillations of the fetish world's aesthetic rigor and controlled violence. Black-and-white silent thriller Ladies of the Night (Les Vampyres) follows a short-haired schoolgirl who wanders into the wrong mansion and gets flogged, clamped, slapped, and stepped on by two humorless ladies; The Seven Deadly Sins illustrates the bible's mortal fuckups with a gorgeous maid and her mistress, who laughs (maniacally, not mirthfully) and pees on flowers.

UNAUTHORIZED: The night-vision murky Paris Hilton tape, which my older brother kindly sent me via instant messenger, briefly shows the skinny heiress sucking meathead dick like she's sipping champagne (I prefer ladies who look like they're shotgunning a beer), riding reverse cowgirl, doin' it doggie, and wriggling away to answer her cellie—big whoop. (My ladies call up ex-boyfriends during the deed to tell those boys what they were doing wrong, awwww shit.) Better than the R. Kelly clip, that's all.

INDIE: Joe Gallant, NYC's guerilla scatologist, may never top Bongwater Butt Babes Volume One (Black Mirror). Black Mirror's butt-squirt paintings are great, but what beats a lady ripping bong hits off of her own colon? Redhead shitter.

DIRTIEST: The year's best porno, Girlvert #3 (JM Productions), takes a cue from bumsploitation phenomenon Bumfights. Sexpot sassmouth Ashley Blue, joined by her real-life boyfriend Trent, trolls America's margins, battling ennui and growing more deliciously naughty with each session of relentless abuse she metes out. If this doesn't win AVN's Best Film, we can be assured that the academy has fallen out of touch. Homeless girl, coughing up cornflakes.

Black Mirror, 676-A Ninth Avenue, NYC 10036,

Bleu Visions, P.O. Box 20280, New York, NY 10011,

Elegant Angel, 9801 Variel Street, Chatsworth, CA 91311,

Evil Angel, 14141 Covello Street, 8C, Van Nuys, CA 91405,

Jill Kelly Productions, 9127 Thrasher Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90069

JM, 21111 Osborne Avenue, Canoga, CA 91304,

Pleasure Productions, 59 Lake Drive, Hightown, NJ 08520,

Pure Filth, 9145 Owensmouth Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311,

Waap Entertainment,

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