Bush Sisters Exposed!

Trimming my pubes gave me much more pleasure when I was using my ex-roommate's hair clipper (cheap bastard wouldn't pay for a haircut, never mind the electric bill), but I still take pride in keeping ol' crotchy neat. Even the cutely liberated, unshaven women I've dated mowed their curly lawns now and again. It's great to be natural—but not too natural. As for fake boobs, I've never touched one or even two, and don't much care to look at 'em, either. This week I accept no silicone substitutes, and bushwhack some treasure trails.

Perhaps you find sturdy, misshapen pairs sexy. I still say that fakies serve the same purpose as all those bad tattoos—to help you remember particular actresses. I prefer The Real Naturals #24 (4-Play) to The Not Real Naturals #103 because watching each of its unknown stars is like making a new friend who takes off her clothes and fucks in front of you. This movie is so natural, even the flowers in the opening credits are real!

Deja Chan's bespectacled husband, Redd, deflowers her ass (for the first time on camera, anyway) in the same motel-type room director Ed Powers always uses, after the same pointless interview he always gives. Deja (she also does things "again and again and again") has a defensive attitude, knee-length black hair, and a blouse strap hanging off of her right shoulder—qualities ultimately surpassed by her li'l breasts and how they bounce when Redd humps the dark side of her taint, missionary-style. "How the hell do guys do this?" wonders a missionary-positioned Kira as she tries to sink a hot-pink strap-on with battery-pack balls into Summer's sunny side one episode later. A German lit major, she figures it out, undulating her trim body against Summer's extravagant figure. Mouthfuls of mountainous mams and a handful of acute orgasms are Kira's ample reward; the couple's flushed faces and gently urgent post-coital kissing ours.

The only tender parts in Fresh Butts & Natural Tits 3 (WCP) belong to the actresses. Whoever the main man is (I'm guessing Brandon Iron), he pilots a monster schlong and has no patience for stubborn bottoms. With a curt hello, he shepherds the gap-toothed Bella Donna and another brunet, Gia, into his mansion's foyer and drops trou. Gia takes the schlong, and Bella, his rear, but Iron's cheeks hardly part before he positions Bella doggy-style and begins switching between her lowermost orifices with his dick and an even wider diamond-shaped dildo. Some pussy to pussy, ass to mouth, and mouth to foot later, Bella's catching his load in her pie hole, loudly spitting it into Gia's, and taking it back again. Just as nature intended.

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Fresh-faced Gina Diamond knows what Iron intends: "Today, I'm going to get fucked hard." And what's her "best asset"? "My ass!" Again, the pun has barely sunk in when Iron cleaves said plumpness with his tongue, and proceeds to tirelessly enact the Kama Sutra with Gina by the toilet and sink and on the water bed. Four such marathon sessions are capped by potentially fetish-serving outtakes: a woman running to the bathroom to clean off her facial; another applying lip gloss and toenail polish; and 18-year-old Ukrainian hottie Caroline giving a quickie blowjob that ends with a shot directly into her right eye. (I call her Winky!)

An anonymous greaseball cumming onto Karianna's forehead is about as innovative as series launch Spring Chickens gets. A typically bland yet filthy Diabolic production, the flick charges brutally through six segments in which one or two guys mindlessly put the "natural breasted" women through their paces on bare mattresses and a weight-lifting bench. Nary a word is spoken as the camera hovers suffocatingly around the action, save for Lynn Dumaire's moronic partner running at the mouth: "Oh! God! Yes . . . yes . . . YES . . . wow!"

If Chickens has any redeeming qualities, it's the girls. Lynn—pretty in a completely average, totally appealing way, with straight, brown hair—spends the first half of her scene mostly dressed, her remarkably firm and ample chest spilling grandly from a tight, white sleeveless shirt unbuttoned at the top; the guy with Tourette's can't seem to decide whether to put it between her lips or her tits, so he sticks it in her butt. Two men are assigned to the petite, very young-looking Ashley Blue, gripping her tiny waist with rough hands and simultaneously parking their Wienermobiles out front and in back.

You won't find any novelty vehicles in Horny Hairy Girls 8 (OGV), but you will see Don King in a headlock—as well as women with underarm, leg, and pubic hair. Vivian Vail eases us into the aesthetic: "All the girls are wearing '80s clothes, so I figured I'd go back to the '70s bush," she tells her fiancé, after running naked through a deserted park shouting, "Free, free, free, free!" Having shed her timeless schoolgirl outfit (complete with matching scrunchie on wrist) to show off her schoolgirl body and well-groomed growth, Vivian begins giving her future husband head. A nasty cop catches them during the cumshot: "Don't wipe your chin—I want that as evidence!"

Vivian's ex-con fiancé pleads for leniency ("I can't get ass-raped again!"), so the cop—played by uncircumcised producer and prodigious ejaculator Rodney Moore—settles for an hour with Vivian on the bizarre "Joyrider" (a raised toilet seat with springs; there's probably an ad for it on this page). Later, Malerie—a skinny goth with a tall 'fro below and intensely fuzzy calves—frenches Charity, a convincing butch, and practically loses a couple of smallish toys in her dark, tangled patch. Li'l Romeo, also smallish—because he's a midget—stuffs his unshaven face into Ryan Meadows's relatively scant growth, but just as she turns her attention to his toy, he morphs into Moore thanks to some impressive special effects. Reminds me of my favorite song by the real Lil' Romeo: "Wanna Grow Up." He's a natural!

Diabolic, 21707 Nordhoff Street, Chatsworth, CA 91311, www.diabolicvideo.com

4-Play, 9304 Deering Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311, www.edpowers.com

OGV, 11151 Vanowen, North Hollywood, CA 91605, www.hornyhairygirls.com

WCP, 9530 Owensmouth, suite 1, Chatsworth, CA 91311, www.westcoastprod.com


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