Butt Bongs and Squirting Instructional!

"I tasted it, too!" exclaimed Eli. . . . Oops, sorry, I'm skipping ahead to the end of this week's opening anecdote. Eli—the fan of Big Butts and cheese steaks who I introduced in "Where the Fat Women At!"—recently moved to Brooklyn and became the principal recipient of my frequent and highly generous porn giveaways. Sitting at a bar one night with his girlfriend, Sin Dee (all names have been changed, except for Eli's), he gushed about the copy of The Squirting Adventures of Dr. G I'd floated him. A redhead who I doubt is wet behind the ears, Sin suggested they put the flick on when they got back to his house. "We have to go right now!" Eli said, chugging his beer.

With one roommate asleep and another out of the house, Eli popped it in, and the two waited for the waterworks. (They watched the movie, too.) Unable to set off the sprinklers with the good Dr.'s two-finger technique, Eli unrolled his hose and put out the fire. After a "15-minute" rest, they started having sex again (think up your own damn clever euphemism). "I'm going really deep and fast," Eli recalls, "and suddenly, it's really, REALLY wet." How wet? "Unfortunately, I can't say I felt or saw any actual squirt, but the stain on the sheets was about the size of a manhole cover." Sin adds: "I did not know I was capable of that. It was the greatest thing I've ever experienced in my life." Eli: "You can put my phone number in the article, too."

"What I'm going to basically do," explains the Italian-accented man behind The Squirting Adventures of Dr. G #2 (Evil Angel) to Selena Silva, "is play with your pussy and make you squirt." (He later elaborates: "You're gonna have a lot of liquid come out of your pussy.") Using his aforementioned two-finger technique, G stands above the woman, who is lying across an overstuffed chair sitting in G's office, and puts his middle and ring fingers in. These he then curls to massage the g-spot, while using his other spit-lubed hand to gently rub her clit or pubic area (thereby massaging the g from both sides). After a short while—sometimes just half a minute—he stiffens the inside hand and begins to quickly, almost violently, jerk it up and down. G himself admits this is "not very romantic," and that he's more of a "GYN" than a love doctor. Of course, it's not babies he delivers.

Rather, unspectacular squirts. Unlike, say, Seymore Butts' Female Ejaculation Review, which stars squirt-flick fountainhead Alisha Klass, Dr. G's adventures involve women who've never shot before (and must suck dick in exchange for being made to splash). Setting the pattern, 37-year-old Daisy Chain, who doesn't look a day over 35, politely listens to G's chatter about "glands," soaks his leather wristband with a blink-and-you'll-miss-it ejaculation while laughing uncontrollably, and then bobs her head on some guy's penis like she's trying to kill the frog in her throat.

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Most of the nine ladies here seem a little jumpy about G therapy. "Of all the things I've done in the industry," observes Venus, "I'm nervous about cumming. What's wrong with this picture?" Minutes later, she's exclaims, "Ohmigodfuck, did I do that?" and the Dr. dismissively responds, "No, I did," while flinging the juice from his hand onto her stomach and crotch. Likewise, dry-behind-the-ears redhead Kelly Steele screams, shouts, and cackles as G sprays her stuff (squelch-squelch-squelch) onto the camera lens, and, seemingly energized by the experience, later lifts and spreads her B.J. partner's legs to fully tongue his shaven balls.

Not everyone gets off so easy. Annmarie, a gorgeous brunette with a smattering of little birthmarks, makes the obstinate Dr. (here wearing a "Warning: G-Man On Duty" T-shirt) stop repeatedly, her beautiful laugh turning desperate, before finally spilling enough suds to satisfy him. And porn newbie Sinn Sage, dorkily cute in glasses and red-and-black knee-highs, lays still and quiet, then asks an incredulous, dripping G, "Is it working?" When her boyfriend tastes the squirt—which is thinner ("less viscous," Eli says) than normal body lube, clear, and, according to the Doc, "sweet"—he shrugs and mutters, "Tastes like pussy." He was probably hoping for cheese steak.

And at least it didn't taste like stale bong water. Think about it: If you use the typical college student's filthy bong, you might as well be sucking smoke out of somebody's unwiped asshole. Or so suggests Bongwater Butt Babes Volume One (Black Mirror), a literal answer to the all-too-figurative Cocksmokers series. Flying high after winning an AVN award for Times Square Trash, Black Mirror maestro Joe Gallant clearly intended to out-do himself and his actresses (local women who most definitely do not resemble starlets).

The first scene eases us into the revolting Black Mirror aesthetic much like the makeshift bong (basically a very long dildo with a hole in the end, bowl in the middle, and open top) later gets sunk into puckered anuses. Dax, a skinny dude who bears a slight resemblance to Prince, 69s big blond Star on a bed; she mounts him; he cums on her face and then sloppily makes out with her; he breaks out an IV-looking enema; tops her off as she rests on her shoulders, legs back and butt up; puts in the pipe, and rips massive, milky bong hits out of her ass. ("I'm so dizzy!") Finally, she hits the shower, squirting the turdy, yellow-brown bongarrhea all over the tiles.

Then Lucy Lucy and Erika Kole do some weird shit. The one who looks like a cross between Jay Leno and Rosie O'Donnell dominates the other, wrapping masking tape around the slave's wrists and tits, clothespinning her nips, draping plastic over her body, and draining a chunky enema onto her face. Joe himself later appears with a God-knows-what-behind-the-ears redhead who pisses into a bucket, shits onto a plate (which Joe, after deeply inhaling its scent, pokes some incense sticks into), and tokes off her own ass while wearing snorkeling goggles. Eli can't wait to see it!

Black Mirror, 676-A Ninth Avenue, NYC 10036, www.blackmirror.com

Elegant Angel, 9801 Variel Street, Chatsworth, CA 91311, www.elegantangel.com

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