Cleanup in Aisle Four!

Hot and gooey and white. Yep, I prefer New England clam chowder to the local tomato-based variety, even though I'm a loyal New Yorker. Likewise, I have special preferences when it comes to porno flicks. Everyone does. But as any three—fine, 12—year-old can tell you, almost every skin subgenre features cumshots onto backs, bellies, tits, faces, ears, knees—somewhere, anywhere on an actress. Meanwhile, the new trend is creampies: jizz shot into someone's pussy, and squirted right back out. This week, I took an eyeful of both.

Hi, and welcome to my column, the very first porno review sheet in any mainstream U.S. publication (filthy Swedes). I'm not a film critic, academic theorist, porn expert, or, uh, compulsive masturbator. Nevertheless, those bastards in Voice management now pay me to tell you what the best new skin flicks are. This inaugural cumsumer guide rates two hour-and-a-half collages of money shots clipped from scores of regular porns, and two vids especially whipped up for those who were sorely disappointed by that arty movie Pi.

Now, I've only seen eight through 14, 22 through 30, and part of 37, but Loads of Fun 40 is almost certainly this series' best. One complaint: no subtitles! Our boys at the cleverly named Filmco gather a good deal of their spray from what appear to be weird French versions of Cats and Phantom of the Opera. Hear "we" a thousand times in a row and you'll wonder what the hell they're saying, too.


Diabolic, 21707 Nordhoff Street, Chatsworth, CA 91311

Filmco, 9718 Glen Oaks Boulevard, Unit B, Sun Valley, CA 91352.

Voyeur Productions, 21018 Osborne Street #5, Canoga Park, CA 91303,

Xtraordinary Pictures, 9145 Owensmouth Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311,

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Seriously, though, Loads of Fun 40 really sucks. Someone once said something to the effect that writing about porno is like dancing about architecture, so it's hard to say why only three out of this absolute buttload of on-average 30-second clips got me going. Take the potentially well-known (though not by me) shot of a man—possibly a priest—jizzing onto a kneeling woman's black veil. She pants, licks, and quickly takes his head into her mouth, the fine, moist mesh closing in around his dick. She's shielded from the humiliation of taking a sacrilicious facial. Or maybe, like a metaphorical facial, the veil drowns the expression of her pleasure to better emphasize the man's. Either way: disturbingly hot!

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If nothing else, priesty-kneely simply stood out from the countless badly videoed photo-shoot shots, two tittie-fucks, two soiled gold-cross necklaces, one sauna scene, two poolsides, three car hoods (two cabs!), and one horse-and-buggy, even distinguishing itself from the homemade triumph of a doggy-stylin' man who spooges onto some teen's peach of a rear end—camera unfortunately veering wildly to the left—and groans, "I'm through, I'm done, gonna hit the bong and go to sleep."

Nobody rips bingers or gets creamed confessional-side in Diabolic Pop Shots 2 (Diabolic), but then again, the cam's always in focus, no one warns that they're "about to run out of tape," and the movie's delightfully frog-free. Diabolic relied on its own extensive catalog and the results are unsurprising: dozens of drenched faces, a bunch of swallows (attention bird-watchers!), and so many flick's-end g'bye waves from the ladies that you'll swear you're watching a parade in the rain. Predictable and numbing, this collection perfectly represents the cumshot itself. And it doesn't take long to realize that you're merely watching men rough up their own suspects. They're doing what you're supposed to be: beating off to a feminine image with a given fantasy, not to mention spunk, projected onto it. Creampie vids mean to correct this by showing sex as it actually happens, plus bodily fluids getting licked off the floor. Of course, not all sex involves cream in the oven, and the pie itself keeps spunk central. Still, one can finally jerk off to mutually pleasurable sex itself. Realistic!

Rather than string together an endless number of low-quality, unrelated creampies, Cum Drippers 2 (Voyeur Productions) divides 140 minutes into six low-quality, unrelated episodes starring ladies with accents and manicured hands through which, by way of culmination, watery semen inevitably spills. Twenty-year-old Czech Monica Sweetheart, a vision of (to use Terry Southern's term) pert-knockered, soft-featured perfection, graces the video's cover. She's accorded respect the other women are not: fabulous glass-enclosed digs as setting, choice of sex acts, and a partner who doesn't slap her, not once! Hers takes this week's Actually Inspired Masturbation in Reviewer award (sorry, that won't fit on the Voice-approved Save-a-Lot plaque). Brit Donna Marie, resplendent for a few fleeting moments in a red fishnet one-piece with matching vinyl knee-boots, finds herself subject to the all-too-common face fuck, courtesy of a man who promises that he'll "fuck [her] ass so bad" if she doesn't open wide, smacking her for emphasis. Don't bother with this column if that shit turns you on.

Texas trash Zack Miles, Cream of the Crop 9 (Xtraordinary Pictures) auteur and male star, starts off aggressively, apparently egged on by the nonstop idiot ramblings of "mature" buddy Vic ("Yeah uh-huh you like that dontcha yeah yeah uh-huh yeah suck it baby"), but settles into long, relatively relaxed grooves with each of Cream's three ladies. Ah, the ladies. You know you're in trouble when the man narrating a zero-budget porn from his backyard describes the first actress up as having "the sweetest little personality I've ever seen." Egregiously advertised as a "grandma" on the video box's back panel, 25-year-old Alley Cat has hair resembling small game bleached to death, but does seem good-humored.

The less said about Dee Marie and her inflatable mattress the better (though for the record, at no point does "Zack's semen drip down her wooden leg." She doesn't even have a wooden leg!). But true amateur Victoria Kelly, with her unironic pigtails and slightly crooked teeth, deserves a poem. In lieu, I offer that her shouted insistence on an orgasm—in fact delivered—simultaneous with the gentle salad-tossing given molester-mustachioed Derek, alone vaults Cream of the Crop 9 above this week's competition. True to Zack Miles form, we can hardly see the money drip due to a bad camera angle and shadows. Can't say I minded.

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