Consumer Guide!

With personal faves piling up, I decided to dispatch as many as possible in the style of Voice rock critic Robert Christgau's long-running Consumer Guide. I unsurprisingly failed to win the Dean's approval. Nor did I actually view any of the Honorable Mentions, though I can assure you they're worth mention.

(Evil Angel)

Buttman is the Beavis of porn: Although seemingly no different than his brain-dead compatriots and certainly capable of disgusting, Id-driven acts, the 'Man acts not out of male violence, make that malevolence, but simply goes with the flow. Anal Show 4's definitive image is of Buttman sitting naked in an armchair, legs aloft, expression ecstatic, one German hottie tongue-fucking his tush while another goes down deep on his formidable dick. The women—who also hail from Hungary and Brazil—own their asses and know it, modeling, smothering, and sitting on boy-toys with unfettered freedom. A MINUS


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Ghetto fab covergal Aneta, with her mouthful mams and nearly hula-size hoop earrings, drew me to this corny, bizarrely titled series of vignettes; I've come back for the scene starring Cinderella, since bleeping beauty Aneta appears only with Sarah, some dildos, and a birthday guy (there's a cake) who forgot to wear his b-day suit. Fucked hard standing up as a party favor from one gangster to another, Cindy is one of the fairest and freshest of them all. B

(Elegant Angel)

They're filthy enough to suck'n'fuck, on film, a long-goateed dude who never takes off his sunglasses, but said dude, director-star Mr. Chris, puts his hyper-hot, way-young starlets through their paces in only the most amateurish positions, which he repeats in every scene. He's not a player, he just crushes a lot—what's four times 34? B PLUS

(Elegant Angel)

Loni (see Glazed and Confused capsule below) steals somebody's b.f. in the gym, working her shoulders and back in a fancy black bra, then, handfuls exposed, testing her knees and gag reflex. What more could you ask for? Some hotly unattractive, bespectacled newbie with beginner's pluck sucking four bucks, that's what. B PLUS

(Elegant Angel)

What a concept! (Most disturbing scene: Loni's worn-out stud dumps water on her like Gatorade on a game-winning coach—except with the unvarnished hate of a man whose pleasure has been marginalized!) A MINUS

(Visual Images)

Yes, please! B PLUS

(Zero Tolerance)

Three guesses ... B


(Elegant Angel)

Ashley Blue can act—she, sporting a cum-eating grin, also gets glazed like a Krispy Kreme here—but thick Asian Loni puts in this flick's most memorable scene, thanks to her larger-than-life personality and perkier-than-seems-possible all-natch super biggies. I dreamed about her the other night: We were in bed, naked—cuddling. I fondly remember kissing her neck, flirtatiously jiggling a biggie, whispering. (It had been awhile—couple weeks at least—since I'd enjoyed the company of a woman. Don't ask me the last time I got laid....) Who else shouts for more—speed, force, technique—than her dude can deliver? Who else flirts likes she's standing in her high school hallway? Who else tosses salad like she's having the Caesar at Mario Batali's latest trattoria? A


The aka Filthy Whore comp series—"Dignity not included!"—requires, but rarely finds, starlets of Avy Scott's exact caliber: experienced but not overexposed, pretty but filthy, distinct but widely appealing. Scott—appealingly wide, her blondness falling in curls, breasts sitting low and heavy mouth puckered like a blow-up doll's, sad blue eyes staring right through you—transcends every mindlessly scripted scenario here, whether in the club, jewelry store, or on some douchebag's desk. You'll find yourself cheering her emotional distance. A MINUS

Dud of the Month

(Waap Entertainment)

Drunkenly surfing pop-cult-to-porn Japanese fetish site one typical late night, I discovered Yui Kayama. Covered in cum (her plain hair included), with her blue skirt up around her waist and stockings in shreds, delicate Yui stole my breath for reasons as obvious as they are problematic. The pliant Asian school grrrrowl! stereotype absorbs endless amounts of sticky situation ethics and smiles back, cleansing the sins of the censored alpha-and-omega male (his dick, and not anything else, gets pixilated, protected). This is the first porno I've ever paid for, and I had it sent two-day. (Spent $52, all told.) If regional coding didn't prevent me from playing it on my Xbox, it probably would've been a Pick Hit. (I was too drunk when entering my credit card number to take such technicalities into consideration. And by the way, I'm not sure what the disc's actual title is—just about everything but "Semen Club 2" and "Request bukkake like a club member" is in Japanese.) D PLUS (Revised upward since I jerked off to the cover a couple times)

Additional Consumer News

HONORABLE MENTION: Teri Star Is a White Trash Whore 10 (JM Productions): talented proletarian takes it up the ass—same paradigm, different day (eight-man gangbang); Pussyman's Large Luscious Pussy Lips V (Feline Films): lip stretching does not a luscious pussy make (Katie Morgan, Venus); Nice Rack # 10 (Anabolic): so much double-penetration one wonders which pairs Anabolic actually cares about (the African-American chick, the red-haired chick); Pussyman's Hollywood Harlot$ 3 (Feline Films): fucking their way to the bottom, and well (the Asian chick, the black-haired chick); Jerome Tanner's Dear Whore 2 (Legend): epistolary conceit passing itself off as something to write home about; Chunky Schoolgirls 2 (SkinTight): teaching the diet-challenged life lessons (Mia, Sky); Swing (Blue Pictures): chose-your-own adventure for post-key-party couples—so "interactive" you'll both forget to get off ("Your Wife Sucks My Husband," "I Fuck You"); XXL Pussy Volume Two (Quad Pictures): genital mutations do not luscious pussies make (N/A).

ADDRESSES: Anabolic, 21707 Nordhoff Street, Chatsworth, CA 91311,; Blue Pictures, 7230 Coldwater Canyon Avenue, North Hollywood, CA 91605; Elegant Angel, 9801 Variel Street, Chatsworth, CA 91311,; Evil Angel, 14141 Covello Street #8C, Van Nuys, CA 91405,; Feline Films, 9145 Owensmouth Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311,; JM Productions, 21111 Osborne Avenue, Canoga Park, CA 91304,; Legend Video, 9145 Owensmouth Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311,; Quad Pictures, 7230 Coldwater Canyon Avenue, North Hollywood, CA 91605; Sineplex Entertainment, 6901 Hayvenhurst Avenue, Van Nuys, CA 91406,; SkinTight Pictures, 9145 Owensmouth Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311,; Visual Images, 9145 Owensmouth Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311,; Waap Entertainment,; X-traordinary Pictures, 9145 Owensmouth Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311,; Zero Tolerance, 8944 Mason Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311,

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