Crazy Sevens!

This week Dirty Pornos is brought to you by the number seven. Featured in such film titles as Seven and The Seven Year Itch, the number takes on an entirely different meaning when it appears in the name of a skin flick. And I'm not referring to The Seven-Inch Schlong (which sold poorly). Hollywood may be sequel-happy, but Porn Valley is crazy for serials. Even poorly titled franchises have long leases on life—Tails of Perversity just entered double-digits, and Not Just Another Teen Movie is so one-of-a-kind that Zero Tolerance has made eight of them. At what point does a series jump the shark, lose the spark of originality that made it popular in the first place? I know not. But maybe, just maybe, these seventh editions will expose the Valley's deadly sins.

Trailer Trash Nurses 7 (Legend) sounds innocent enough—bumpkin-bashing, big needles—but the prognosis for producer-director Jerome Tanner's trenchant study of class in America is not good. The back of the box: "A trailer park community is crippled when a black man moves into their neighborhood. It's up to a group of red-hot nurses to teach them how to put aside their prejudice and face their fear of big, black cock." Besides the fact that it should read "handicapped," not "crippled," politically correct readers will notice that this plot description blithely wades into, oh, fairly sensitive race matters, rather than just making fun of poor people who happen to be white. Fear of a Black Hat was one thing, but "fear of a big, black cock" opens up an entirely different can of worm.

Following to white-trash porno formula, Nurses opens with a cock crow. Little time is wasted on aural-pun niceties, however. Ashley Blue's boyfriend, Trent Tesoro, immediately drops a biggity-bomb in his first scene (that I know of) with someone other than Ashley: "People is like jelly beans," he tells RN Avy Scott, who's wearing a heart on her white-vinyl sleeve. "Nobody likes the black ones." I rather preferred the joke he makes when Avy asks him to bend over for a temperature check: "Can you take it orally?"

Avy tells Trent he's racist, swallows his thermometer, and takes a hot load between her legs. Taken as a barometer of race relations, the next scene predicts a firestorm. Brittney Skye, as regally round as Ms. Scott, hands her husband his white KKK hood as he heads out to his Honda, briefcase in hand. (The peak pokes out of the car's sunroof.) In his office, the still-hooded Hubby finalizes the sale of a trailer to the black man mentioned on the box. So as to put at ease the trash intimidated by his cock, the man offers up his white, Brit-accented wife and says, "Some of my best friends are white!" Back at home, Brittney assists Evan Stone in freezing his sperm (in an ice-cube tray, of course) to "ensure the future of the white race." Having found the subsequent toting of tiki torches and "well-hung" joke too tasteless for even this column, I'll elide the grand (wizard) finale.

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Race and class often creep—sometimes leap—into porn, but age is inescapable. Teen Land VII (Pussyman) hews close to that simplest of skin standards, youth. This time around, the gimmick is that these thin-and-hot 18-and-overs must train for inveterate box-muncher Pussyman's latest feature. Tan-booth-browned oldster Cailey Taylor coordinates the lessons after PM whistles in her weeds. "The girls will learn about hot sex and feel good about themselves!" he says. "Will they learn about their bodies, too?" Cailey asks. You betcha!

The athletic Ariana Jolie learns that she can take it in the ass and—man!—pussy at the same time. Blond cheerleader-type Fallon shares a cumshot with Cailey, who, when prompted from off-camera, inquires, "Did you learn a lot today?" "Yeah," Fallon responds, dripping goo. "Learning's fun!"

You won't hear such saccharine sentiments in any movie starring Italian gonzo god Rocco Siffredi. And you can believe the cover of Rocco's Initiations 7 (Evil Angel) when it says "rookie sluts get Rocco'ed!" While I sometimes find him too aggressive, Siffredi still rates as porn's best stud. I have to admit that his vaguely disturbing habit of pushing newbies past their apparent comfort zones keeps his flicks fresh—one never knows where exactly a scene is headed (though you can bet it involves a mansquirt). And one can be sure these girls are getting an education.

In his kitchen, Rocco comes across a pair of pigtails bent over a book about sex. He lifts the petite teen up, standing her on a chair; her eyes shyly meet his. Deploying his usual charm, he tells her again and again how beautiful she is, then buries his face in her crotch. "That's why you wanna study, you wanna have sex," he coos. She doesn't seem so sure. "Do you wanna see me make sex first?" Believe it or not, she gets to—Rocco undresses a green-eyed, statuesque beauty, and shows them both the lump in his tight Euro-fashionable pants. They suck, and he fucks the beauty in her ass; they move to a bedroom, where his maid, a middle-aged non-beauty, fluffs pillows. Soon she's fluffing Rocco, licking the li'l one, and welcoming her even older b.f. into the folds. This is before the six other guys show up. I'm guessing seven would've been one too many.

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