Grab Bags!

Christina Aguilera is hands down the biggest slut in America. Have you seen the video for "Dirrty" (not to be confused with "Hot in Herre"), where she's wearing these crotchless leather pants with tiny red panties and thrusting her filthy little hips for dozens of sweaty prison inmates? What a nasty skeez! I mention it because, although not strictly speaking pornographic, "Dirrty" gave me a stiffie the likes of which I have not known since my last elaborate, insomnia-induced fantasy involving Laura Prepon from That 70s Show. But enough about the boob tube; this week's "grab bag" theme kicks off with fun-bag flick Nice Rack #9 (Anabolic).

My theory is that boys start out "breast men" (witnessing their classmates' buds bloom, plus any Freudian biz you'd care to mention), become "ass men" (ass cheeks being breastlike, but not so prominently positioned—that is, easily noticed), and enter adulthood as "leg men" (said classmates finally having mastered high heels). But like video games, sports, and multiplication tables, boobies command a male fascination seemingly without limit or end. The top-shelf Nice Rack #9 presents a handful of well-rounded vignettes starring big-not-huge-chested black, white, and Asian women. Danley—thick and pale, with pretty eyes and freckles—almost brings her partner to orgasm immediately with her relaxed-but-insistent blow job technique; indeed, he is not satisfied putting it between her 34Ds or even taking a slow hump on the floor, repeatedly, breathlessly requesting more oral and eventually straddling her face (maybe he's a "face man").

None of the other segments are quite as poignant, although there are some captivating moments. Sincerely horny cheerleader-type Avy Scott puts in an at first awkward, then intense performance with an unnecessarily businesslike skinhead: After a clinical fingering in his lap, she comes visibly and prodigiously during sex on a couch. Lexington Steele greazes up Destiny's floppy chestnut-brown hangers, pulls off his tightie-whities, and then does push-ups into her mouth. Two guys jiggle 19-year-old Kiwi's medium firmies by pulling on her bra straps, slap their dicks on her nips, and come into her mouth not once, but twice apiece. And although she performs better in another of this week's movies, the chubby, average-faced, but flirtatiously sexy Loni outsluts everyone else here by getting assfucked and then double penetrated on a bare floor—demanding to know, in one pause, why the men have stopped. She's so dirrrty, I have to spell it with three Rs!

Whether or not it has to do with the maturity I alluded to earlier, leg flicks tend to cater to a classier audience that, um, believes getting stepped on is hot. As for Leg Love (Elegant Angel), let's just say that producer Toni Ribas is no Andrew Blake, ha ha ha! (Andrew Blake, for all you noncritics at whom I squint through my monocle with great disdain, makes peerless below-the-belt art-fetish films.) However, because the movie isn't limited to fetishization, but incorporates all manner of normal sexual acts into the measured gam appreciation, it has an undeniable leg up on other competition.

That the beefy man who joins Niki and Diane is wearing an ill-fitting suit pretty much tells you how classy Leg Love really is. After peering like a curious caveman at the pixie-haired chick (who I'll arbitrarily call Niki) as she licks her bar-perched, black-haired companion's feet, the man lays the two on the floor, lifts their bound-ankle legs in the air, and presses their ass cheeks together. Sufficiently aroused, he does the age-old carrot-on-a-stick dick tease, backing slowly away from Diane, who crawls in pursuit. The various ensuing positions are even better illustrated in Stacy and Lyudmyla's scene. One of the typically statuesque, Eastern European two, who appear to be identical twins, enters an expansive marble foyer and begins grinding against a large column. The same man from before looks up from his piano. The grinder's twin, also wearing a sheer black nightie and crotchless panty hose, lures him from his scales and assists in sticking his tool into her standing sister's hose, between the ass cheeks. After tonguing him through there, she guides him home, then trades off bobbing on his face and toading on his crotch. In the grand finale, he bends one over, seating the other on her twin's lower back so he himself can trade off and then come down a ripped stocking. They're good for walking, too!

Meditating on shapely legs and delicate feet is one thing, but Zen and the Art of Fellatio (Video Team) is quite another. Hardly your average dice 'n' splice rehash, the all-Asian Zen collects some of fatass David Aaron Clark's favorite BJs. I've yet to see a more varied, exciting vid in this genre. Although things don't start so promisingly: The not-so-cute, generically schoolgirl attired Asiana whips out David's willy to the crashing of a gong. But when the spit starts flowing, she showcases a slow-lick-sudden-deep-throat style that manages to tease even a jaded viewer (not that I know any). "It is easy to slip into shamelessness," scrolls a quote (presumably Buddha's) at scene's end, "to be pert and bold like a crow, to hurt others without feeling or regret." Indeed, many of us have suffered when one forgets to keep their lips closed and teeth apart.

David, a typical unattractive porn producer-star who still seems flattered by female attention, suffers only at the awkwardly barbed tongue of dominatrix China Doll. After his extended, all-out session in her "ghetto" apartment (dark, filled with the sounds of sirens and, appropriately enough, bawling babies), he meets the gracious and giggly Mika Tan in his office. After chit-chat about Buddhism and some plentiful ass-slapping, Mika unveils her full, finely shaped chest and shows off her "knob polishing" method (David: "Finally I've reached true satori!"). Kimmie gives a star-making performance as an easy girl who stumbles into a warehouse wearing lingerie after blacking out at a party, while charming newbie, the silver-lamé-clad Loni, springs girlishly into a sloppy 69 after masturbating with a big, scary knife. Hey, if it's what a girl wants. . . .

Anabolic, 21707 Nordhoff Street, Chatsworth, CA 91311,

Elegant Angel, 9801 Variel Street, Chatsworth, CA 91311,

Video Team, 1111151 Vanowen Street, North Hollywood, CA 91605,

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