I Met Jenna Jameson!

Actually, no. I didn't meet Jenna Jameson. But I was supposed to the other night at Spa. A publicist for porno titan Vivid Video, home to Jenna, put me on the guest list for a "Vivid girls" meet-and-greet, but when I showed up at 1:30 a.m., the only lady in the place that I recognized was someone I'd made out with at a party last year. Which set me to thinking: How do I, Johnny Maldoro, decide what to jerk off to—not review, just view—for pleasure? The answer, not surprisingly, lies with the ladies. When randy, I search video covers for señoritas calientes ("hot mamas" to you, gringo).

For many, mamas don't come much more caliente than Ms. Jameson. I review Young Jenna (Vivid DVD) for those readers, 'cause, sorry, fake boobs just don't do it for me. The DVD packages 12 decent-to-very-good scenes presumably lifted from earlier Vivid features, two "bonus" segments starring Dasha and Lexus, and typically stupid behind-the-scenes footage (for non-Jenna flicks, no less). Here, as everywhere, she's as American as an SUV: bottle-blond, blue-eyed, long-haired and -legged, pouty, and carrying the most outlandish watermelon halves money can buy. She is this great country's cheerleader, radiantly enthusiastic, egging us on in our exclusively male exploits, more fantasy than woman. When it comes to blowjobs, she's like one of those snakes that can unhinge its jaw to swallow especially large prey, which conveniently is what the hairy man in the bathtub bit resembles. Cartoonishly large cocks are taken with equal aplomb down below, as in the pseudo-s/m segment, and yet her fantastic trademark yelp seems to say, "Omigod, did someone just shove a dick in me?"

If only we could. Even less likely to give it up to Joe Lunchbox are the women of Girlfriends (Studio A). Justine, shown on the cover with her raven-black bangs, darkly eye-shadowed icy blues, and candy-apple-red lipstick, had been calling to me since I began this column, those eyes following me around the shop as I searched for female-ejaculation videos: "Johnny," she whispered, "I am the goth supermodel of your wet dreams. Put Shut the Fuck Up and Blow Me 8 back and spend the Voice's money to see me get shtupped with a glass dildo!" Two hours of "high-gloss erotica" split into 16 scenarios, Girlfriends should floor leg-and-foot guys and satisfy ass and/or tit men with its supremely foxy cast and lavish costumes, but bore hardcore heads with its long, drifting shots, overwrought soundtrack, and relatively light girl-girl action. Weirdo fetishists one, friendless porn addicts zero!

Let's zero in on the "Vanity Legs" episode. Justine—now with teased red hair, and wearing a sleeveless, loose-mesh-black-leather corset with platform spike heels—is joined by a statuesque friend with long, straight brown locks, black stockings running right to the tops of her thighs, more bondage-type leather, and sparkly crucifix earrings. My girlfriend, oops, Justine sits on a stool and slowly, passionately sucks her prone friend's foot while the friend grinds her heel into Justine's cupcakes, and works some toes in between her creamy, wide-open legs. Gosh, now that I know what lesbians are really like, I regret missing all those Gay-Straight Alliance meetings in college!

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Speaking of college, there sure are lots of homoerotic undertones in International Anal Queens! 2 (Sinister). First there's all the buttfucking, which really isn't my thing—hewing to this week's theme, I picked the vid only to watch black-streaked blond-with-bangs Dina, not women getting "ass-pounded" per se—then the opening scene where some dude plays with a crescent-shaped baguette (quite phallic, in its curved way), ultimately popping it over his shaft as if somebody weren't saving it for lunch, and, finally, two guys jacking off to porn together before Dina stumbles upon them. I dunno, but I'm pretty sure the video's French (going by the bread; I couldn't really hear the minimal dialogue). The important thing is, the curvaceous, energetic Dina launches a ménage à trois ("threesome" to you, stoopid American) right quick, taking it everywhere but the back door for, like, five minutes. Then they pound her ass.

One of the women in the delicately named Cunt Hunt 3 (Extreme) looks like she got picked up at the pound, but not petite goth-girl-next-door Kayla. Callously questioned by sleazy grandpa-type Gene Ross, the one-week porn vet reveals her first sexual experience—being raped at 16—and how she lost almost half of her first gig's earnings to an unethical agent. I fast-forwarded over this disturbing interview on my first viewing, stopping to watch Kayla, with her wide hips and large, pierced breasts, hurriedly—charmingly, with no regard for the camera—step out of her black dress, bra, and panties, and then climb onto a white leather couch, her grimacing face buried in the crook of her elbow, as some guy slowly pushed his bloated, veiny dick into her from behind. The grimace didn't seem so cute—more like ominous—the second time around.

Reality does not frustratingly intrude on the cute Cleopatra Does Hollywood (Vivid Film). Cheyenne Silver—a pretty little wisp of a thing with a far subtler boob job than her cohort Jenna—plays the eye-shadow-smeared Egyptian ruler, warping into the present in search of Mark Anthony after her lover Caesar gets assassinated. Between racing around on Razor scooters, happening onto porn sets, and establishing plot points in parking lots, Cleo and super-toned servant Mesogines massage Mark's girlfriend into a dildo-happy three-way, then split up to turn two "space thugs" into sex slaves (credit goes to Mesogines for giving good head), seduce shaven-headed Octavian on an elaborate wax-museum display's operating table (Cleo taking a sticky cumshot on the stomach), and get triumphantly ass-fucked by beefy biker-janitor Mark (Cleo again, proving that she's this week's real "international anal queen"). You know what they say: When in Rome, do as the Greeks do!

Extreme, 16140 Leadwell Street, Van Nuys, CA 91406, www.extremeassociates.com

Sinister, 9155 Deering Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311, www.sincityfilms.com

Studio A, 1625 Stanford Street, Santa Monica, CA 90404, www.andrewblake.com

Vivid, 15127 Califa Street, Van Nuys, CA 91411, www.vivid.com


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