Mothers I'd Like To . . . !

The Sick Rose

O Rose thou art sick!
The invisible worm
That flies in the night,
In the howling storm,

Has found out thy bed
Of crimson joy,
And his dark secret love
Does thy life destroy.


M.I.L.F. Money 3

Young and Anal Number 18

Grandpa's Balls
Blue Pictures

—William Blake, "Songs of Experience"

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I've yet to see a Hallmark or even Shoebox that marks Mother's Day with Romantic verse, but that's probably because I always forget to send Mom a card. Blake's flowery virgin-'ho-ism is as well-worn as any store-bought sentiment (or Julie Knight's enema kit, for that matter), though it's a little bleak for the second Sunday in May. In any case, I find it apropos. Last column I uncovered Wormboy, the stick-in-the-mud who got fucked while surrounded by bait in Perverted Stories 17. This week I deliver women whose eggs have met invisible wriggly worms and subsequently made babies; teens who take it up the butt, possibly as a form of birth control; and sexually active folks old enough to be grandparents. It's the best Dirty Pornos since my Groundhog Day special!

Ashley Blue, who doesn't actually appear in M.I.L.F. Money 3 (Skintight), gives a cryptic quote for the cover: "I wish my mom would have loved me that much." Whatever that means, it gives me the same sad feeling I get when watching I Am Sam. Long-faced brunette Brandi Lyons, who appears with her husband, long-dicked bro Scott, buoys the mood at first. Sitting on the same brown couch every scene takes place on, answering the same snickering, hostile questions (courtesy of Cram and Grip Johnson, who could learn a thing or three from Zero Tolerance's Greg Alves, a witty, sincerely cheerful interviewer) everyone answers, the couple make working in porn seem legitimate through their detached, domestic air. Or maybe it's just that Scott doesn't skull-fuck his wife.

The douches ask some intriguing if obvious questions, like whether they're ever jealous of one another for acting with other people (no), and some rude, brainless questions, like whether Scott's hand is bandaged because he beat Brandi (no—their cat, trying to avoid a bath, scratched him). How would they feel about their daughter, now seven, someday appearing in porn? "That's a funny one," Scott answers uncertainly. "We're just gonna make sure she's plenty enough educated." (Let's hope she's not being home-schooled.)

Thus interrogated, the two awkwardly start kissing, which is cute enough, and then make rote passes through the rotation of positions, which is a little too much like walking in on your parents doing it. Only the way she massages his balls while riding him reverse cowgirl betrays any particular intimacy. Pert and pretty Lexi Matthews, who I'd most like to fug of any of these ladies, looks like she just left home; given that she's 21 with a four-year-old and absent, jobless babydaddy, I wonder whether or not she actually has. Lexi answers the preset inquiries with a refreshing reticence, though she firmly asserts that her daughter "ain't doing porn." Some man then likens various parts of her to foodstuffs (I heard creamery butter and steak) and makes her queaf (which, in turn, makes her giggle—"It tickles!").

"Fuck my pussy, you asshole!" Trinity James, another stealth mom, growls to a chub dude who walks in wearing only a T-shirt. Tired Tara Wild looks the part of a responsibility-saddled mom—after all, she's down from Sacramento just to make a check to put toward her daughter's tuition—and while sucking dick she suffers through her man's fucking creepy monologue: "I'm goin' 'wild' just standing here . . . yeah, you gotta earn this money to support your daughter." But riding reverse cowgirl, she rubs her clit rather than grab his balls, giving herself the movie's only orgasm that doesn't result in running makeup. I was proud, even if her kid wouldn't be.

Young and Anal Number 18 (JM)—the latest, far-from-greatest installment in an excellent schoolgirl series with covers modeled after teen mags (a typical teaser: "True stories of . . . 'The Night He Blew My Ass Out!' ")—could've distinguished itself by banning regular sex and only allowing buttfucking. Why not have the girls say they're trying to preserve their virginity or, as I mentioned above, avoid pregnancy? Then again, I guess that would've meant that the Christina Ricci look-alike with the black nail polish could not have been double-penetrated by her shouting, red-faced "stepfather" and his sheepish friend, or even made to grimace and shriek as "Tom" first forced his too-big dick into her pussy; that the truth-or-dare couple would've unrealistically skipped a step in their total debauch; that the shy boy seduced on his staircase would have had to hit the wrong hole first; and that the girl rescued from drunk thugs by the shirtless Euro theater carpenter might've realized sooner that she wasn't just "acting." Maybe next time!

My biggest gripe about Grandpa's Balls (Blue Pictures), a typically bloodless Brazilian trudge, is the goddamn phone sex-ads at the beginning, which you cannot skip or even fast-forward through on DVD. I also object to grandpa's balls. Especially the pair belonging to the seventysomething who never even gets it up while being grinded by a beautiful young woman with wavy brown pigtails. It's more Weekend at Bernies II than Harold and Maude: Grandpas and grandmas lielike corpses while shockingly enthusiastic youths have their disgusting ways with them for profit. Remember Wormboy? I'd rather watch him than worm food.

Blue, 7230 Coldwater Canyon, North Hollywood, CA 91605,

JM, 9140 Owensmouth Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311,

Skintight, 9145 Owensmouth Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311,

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