Pigs, Horses, and Homeless Peeps!

Julia Child, Golden Girls, Phyllis Diller, the Olsen Twins: Why are we—as a "culture"—fascinated by "bad girls"? What, in other words, makes Roseanne Barr such an enduring sex symbol? Two words: I dunno. But I’ll tell you what I do know. If reviewing Ashley Blue vehicle Girlvert #3 (JM) within weeks of writing up her star turn in Girlvert #2 is bad, I don’t want to be good!

Last we heard from the Girlvert, she was skipping school with real-life boyfriend Trent in order to eat pork rinds, drink malt liquor, and stomp on classmates' faces with her Mary Janes. The latest saga opens with Ashley video-taping a message to her mother: "I moved to Hollywood with Trent. We live with all the filth, scumbags, hookers, trannies, and gangsters—they’re my friends. Don’t try and find me, you cunt. Fuck off!" (Which reminds me—happy belated Mother’s Day!) As befits existential psychosexual drama, little else has changed since the last episode. Ashley, sporting dark pigtails and white thigh-highs rolled to just above the knees, still brattily surveys the suburban wasteland from that most teenage of power symbols, the economy car, and punishes other women for her base pleasures. She talks enough smack to fill a half-dozen editions of Guttermouths, and smacks enough of those who talk back to make it believable.

Trent’s vague, doofy arrogance and good looks mesh perfectly with Ashley’s winking aggression. She reprimands him when he hands some pork rinds to a homeless man outside a quickie mart. "He eats garbage," she blurts, crinkling her little nose. "Why would you give him food?" Later, as they’re pulling off the highway—an exit chosen by Ashley because the area "looks like a fucking shithole full of idiots"—she squints through the windshield and announces, "I think I see some road kill." Trent: "It’s a Mexican whore!" Beeping and cheering, Ashley pulls over and lets in the hitchhiker, a roundish woman who may or may not actually be Mexican. "I was bored, so we picked you up," Ashley explains smugly, before issuing a barrage of leading questions: "Where did you spend the night, a fucking bar? What are you running from? Do you like pigs? Are you a pig? She’s a fucking nasty fuck pig!"


Girlvert #3

The fantasy thus projected, Ashley drives to a shack in the middle of nowhere and forces the woman to chug Natty Ice and deep throat Trent. After pushing the woman in the dirt, pouring beer on her, and making her oink, the two pull up her skirt to reveal two badly bruised ass cheeks. "Who did this to you?" Ashley demands. "Why are girls so fucking stupid? Why do they let their boyfriends beat them?" Ashley then takes it in the ass ("to prevent babies"), and later sticks her pointy tits in the hitchhiker’s gasping mouth while laughing, "She thinks I’m her mother! Do you think I’m a whore, like your mother?" (It’s always nice to see a woman with mother issues.)

The Mexican whore ass-fucked and abandoned, Ashley grows ambitious. While viewing infamous bumsplotation reality vid Bum Fights (there’s a long, lovely close-up of her watching intently, biting her nails), she convinces Trent to enact what she calls Bum Fucks. Trolling an alley lined by tarp shelters and black homeless men (most assuredly shot on location), they find a young and dirty white runaway and lure her away with 10 bucks. Back at the house, the tramp—ragged but pretty, with smudged cheeks and ripped sweatpants—shovels cereal into her mouth, milk running down her chin, as Trent and Ashley look on, aghast.

For another 10 bones, they convince Trent’s skeezy buddy to fuck the guest. Ashley grabs her mid-shovel and pushes her onto the couch, head hanging off the side, and the buddy leaps onto her face, pulling away when she regurgitates half-digested corn flakes onto his dick. Some depravity later, the red-faced girl takes two cumshots in her gaping asshole, and Ashley spoons out what she can, feeding it to the girl, who moans, "I’m so hungry!" Ashley goes on to herself face-fuck a snotty childhood friend and, with two men, violate the contract of a porn star who refuses to do scenes involving anal, double-penetration, face-slapping, spitting, choking, and interracial (they use a black dildo).

The bad girls of Tails of Perversity Number 9 (Elegant Angel) just get treated badly. Or bizarrely: Donna Marie, the Brit typecast as classy/violation-ready, follows an inquisitive camera-man from a horse-petting zoo back to his house—blindfolded, of course—where two men in a horse costume await her. She starts sucking the rear-quarters one off, while the other goes "neigh!" Unfortunately, the horse-players shed the suit and start acting like men, getting aggressive and calling her a "sick fucking bitch." While wearing pantyhose and lipstick. (No joke.) Later, Bella Maria, a big wife in a bikini, welcomes her stressed-out executive husband home. He then strips to a diaper, throws a tantrum, and takes his bottle, an ass-licking, and a face-squirt. (Kids!) Superfox Rachel Rotten plays a goth-punk prostitute who sucks her crusty-punk pimp’s "Poison"-tattooed tool before getting ass-fucked behind a store-front window. (Must be a one-way mirror—people pass by, but can’t seem to see in. We’re through the looking glass, here, folks!)

In Bridgette’s Hellions (Babylon), monstrously racked Bridgette Kerkove plays the daughter of the Devil (a fright-wigged and predictably charmless Ron Jeremy), sent to earth to collect souls. Apparently there’s a surfeit Down Under, and Hell’s beginning to freeze over. But pigs aren’t flying yet: Big, fake tits abound, and even with the generously sensual Miko Lee, the guys kill the potential chemistry. Still, soul-sucked men get turned into women (insecure Dale Dabone into the demure Dee) and horses (Mickey G, with tiny cowboy hat and ass-plug with tail), a touch as faintly subversive as that old Phyllis Diller line: "Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?" Now about those Olsen twins ...

Babylon, 706 West Monterey Road, Corona, CA 92878

Elegant Angel, 9801 Variel Street, Chatsworth, CA 91311

JM, 21111 Osborne Avenue, Canoga, CA 91304, www.jerkoffzone.com

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