Spring Break Sluts Exposed!

The next best thing to a wet burka contest is a wet T-shirt contest. Just ask someone who's witnessed both. But don't ask Osama bin Laden; he's evil! All topical humor aside, how many times have you stopped, halfway to the fridge for another Schlitz, to enjoy a TV ad for Girls Gone Wild? That's a rhetorical question, so I'll cut to the bush and tell you that this column's focus is on amateurs, from soaked college girls to Bourbon Street flashers to porn newbies. The slogan stamped on Wild Party Girls 13 says it all: "Real girls . . . real naked!"

Don't confuse Wild Party Girls 13 with its model, Girls Gone Wild. Or Mild Party Girls—these ladies get spicy. Still, plan to fast-forward through lots of filler, mostly of the tall, mannish Abby and blond yuppie Michele showing off their silicone enhancements in deserted public areas. (Blue balls alert: In private, the women don't munch carpet for more than seconds at a time, even though I'm sure they're actresses, and Michele drags her little pink tongue across the man in Abby's boat with expertly erotic deliberation.) Predictably, the plentiful Mardi Gras tits are a mixed funbag: alternately pale, pert, and lovely; ruddy and naturally large; frowning and droopy. Still, tits—gotta love 'em!

Just try not to think of your mother's nourishing milk (happy belated Mother's Day!). That might ruin the video's highlight, an admittedly overlong wet T-shirt segment featuring Sara, a petite, blindingly cute student at the University of South Florida (go Gators!) who teasingly fingers herself to the sweet sounds of Shaggy, thereby delighting dozens of shit-faced frat boys, not to mention one decently buzzed J. Maldoro. In porn, a chick poking herself is usually unmoving. Here, it's fucking Christmas in July.


Wild Party Girls #13

Misty kicks off the stripper documentary Don't Show Pink (2ball) singing "The 12 Days of Porno" fully clothed in a parking lot, foreshadowing the faux educational monotony to come. Later, double-teamed by other dancers, she unexpectedly squirts all over a hotel bed, and you can almost hear Santa dropping down the chimney. It's a moment nearly as fine as Sara's: After all the generic strip shows, ho-hum dressing-room nudity, and so-so interviews, the little action goes a long way. But it's a long way off a short pier. With its titillating promise exhausted midway through, the movie sinks. Still, tits—gotta love 'em!

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You might've seen India's tits on Porn to Rock, the VH1 documentary about fuck-flick actors with pop-star ambitions. If you want to see them even better, buy Special Auditions Vol. 1 (SMP International). But don't look for the beautiful and multi-talented India on the video's cover, 'cause "Puerto Rican sensation" Samantha Love appears there with her own tiny tits hanging loose. As for the back of the box, producer and male star Sean Michaels writes, "Hope y'all feelin' me." I'm not quite feelin' him, if only because the special thing about these "auditions" is that they're not really auditions, but sex scenes occasionally posed as auditions—and unconvincingly at that. Shame on you, cynical porn man!

In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that Sean's dick—about the length of your average oil pipeline—makes me feel a teeny bit insecure about my nine and a half inches. But Special Auditions has its moments: India's dignified whimpering under April's tongue-lashing and, most notably, normally motormouthed Sean at a loss for closing words after the meanest deep-throat knob-slobbing I've seen since the Supreme Court elected Dubya. And that was almost two years ago!

One year ago, Terri Hendrix wasn't even old enough to legally appear in porn. So it's a good thing we're living in the present! Amateur Auditions Volume 18 (Desperate) pretty much nails the sub-genre—we learn plenty of believable personal details about the ladies, and watch 'em bump uglies with established male actors immediately afterwards. In the informal Q&A, conducted by Jim Powers from behind the camera, we discover that the loudmouthed Terri is (a) a high school senior on her way to Berkeley, (b) a couple of weeks into her career, (c) Nirvana's biggest fan, and (d) tight—"or at least was." With regard to fucking men her dad's age, Terri also declares that she "must have a really bad Oedipus complex." We won't hold it against her.

Especially considering the fantastic, sloppily enthusiastic blow she surprises the jaded Johnny Thrust with. And in light of her teenage body, we can even forgive Terri's funny-looking face. In Amateur Auditions' second half, the also funny-faced Mai Asia (who's not actually Asian, go figure) makes a charming oral effort to raise her extremely tan co-star Chuck's mast, and grunts deeply when he finally bends her over the couch. Nice job, Chuck!

Speaking of couches, sit back and let me tell you about the genteel Casting Couch Cuties 8 (DreamGirls). Four women individually answer a battery of cheerful questions—"How often do you masturbate?" "Where do you like guys to cum?" "Can I get you to spread those lips open?" etc. Blue-eyed Courtney is from "L.A." (lower Alabama, natch), loves football and listening to "all kinds of music, from Steve Miller Band to Journey," and describes begging her sweaty boyfriend for sex in the garage, winding the interview up by vibrating herself to a barely perceptible orgasm while pulling at her floppy 36Ds. Nice job, Courtney!

While you may not get any banging for your 23 bucks, it's enough that Casting Couch Cuties 8 features Crystal and Marni, fresh out of shitty jobs as traveling cleaning-supply salespeople and looking to parlay their small-town open minds and excellent bods into a few dollars. Corn-fed hottie Crystal insists, in her honeyed twang, on not "bein' bisexual" or even generally horny, but scoots out of her tiny brown shorts easily enough and slathers lotion all over her perfect boobs (36B), even though it makes her feel "greazy." Still, I curse her inexperience when, in this week's most promising moment, she suddenly gets "pee-shy" in front of the camera. Fucking amateurs!

Desperate Video, 9555 Owensmouth, suite 9, Chatsworth, CA 91311

DreamGirls, 808 West Waters Avenue, Tampa, FL 33604, www.dreamgirls-videos.com

2Ball Productions, www.2ballproductions.com

SMP International, 8101 Orion Boulevard, suite 16, Van Nuys, CA 91406, www.smpinternational.com


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