Transgender Peeps!

Girls will be boys, and boys will be girls. It's a mixed-up, muddled-up, shook-up world—except for Lola. L-O-L-A, Lola. So never judge a book by its cover, or who you gonna love by your lover. Love put me wise to her love in disguise. She had the body of a Venus, Lord imagine my surprise: Dude looks like a lady.

Back before "she-males" hit the het-porn mainstream, two guys (who looked a bit like girls themselves) sang very famous rock songs that celebrated specially endowed strobe-light honeys and the guys who fall for them. These days we get Eminem dueting with Elton John, which is probably somebody's fantasy come true, but not your average straight guy's. What some closet kinks do seem to appreciate are dudes surgically altered to look like ladies—sometimes, especially in Brazil, dudes who look like ladies with Steven Tyler lips and dump truck budunkadonk.

Walk this way, talk this way, and dress this way may work for drag queens, but transgender peeps—not to be confused, here, with hermaphrodites or those with full-on sex change ops—tuck their tools in g-strings and then go for collagen and saline enhancements. What all this has to do with Brazil you'd have to ask my former gender studies TA (he wrote scholarly articles about trannies there) or the directors of this week's three seemingly Brazil-set chicks-with-dicks flicks.

After a few minutes of straight phone-sex ads, 99% Woman (Blue) presents a dark-skinned dude very thoroughly and repetitively cleaning off his cock and muttering to himself in a white-tiled shower. A bikini-clad Latina with an ass like two basketballs and a good couple inches on him (I mean height, dorks) enters and helps him out by tonguing his ass. We suddenly cut to Mumbles tossing salad himself, attempting to palm her ass-cheeks; as he pulls his face away, her hairy marbles come into view. Body of a Venus, and she has a penis!

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At this point, my own 1 percent shrunk to about a quarter of a percent, if you know what I mean. Still, dedicated to having something to write about this week, I kept watching: Mumbles goes on to treat her extra-privates like a mama kitty, licking with care, and she lifts her metaphorical tail to give him butt love. Stroking herself, she cums onto his chest; likewise, he releases while pumping her volleyballs.

Scene two: a man sporting a banana hammock lolls about on a couch. Two thin, small-breasted chicks in cocktail dresses, one with black hair and the other blond, sit down and start fooling around with him. Look at the blond's thick biceps, I thought (my mother always said I was a thoughtful boy)—that's a man, baby! Well, identifying dudes must not be my bag, 'cause not only did she turn out to be 100 percent, but her slender-armed partner soon stuck an uncircumcised you-know-what into the guy's eager mouth and, before long, in between his other cheeks. I had it ass-backwards. A later segment, again involving three players, four balls, and two cues, takes place by a pool table. Two others—a three- and foursome—happen by an actual pool.

She-Male Pool Orgy (Blue) essentially stages all the scenes in 99% Woman at once around this pretty, palm-tree-surrounded swimming hole, with many of the same actors. To a pseudo-metal soundtrack that surely beats 99%'s stale muzak, the camera flits from tangled clump to tangled clump. Most memorable: a guy fucking a trannie from behind fucking a guy from behind, all three in the water, while the trannie jerks off another guy laying beside the pool. Also, a guy fingering a chick who's sucking dick on his right, while getting jerked off by a trannie getting fucked on his left. Talk about a sausage party. (Good thing they weren't having a cookout!)

Despite the seemingly anything-goes nature of this, and straight-trannie sex in general, the male-identified men almost never even touch one another—in She-Male Pool Orgy I merely noted a guy grabbing another's calf to improve his angle of entry into the trannie between them. If I remember my gender studies correctly, many Brazilian men will have sex with transgender people (often prostitutes)—even take it in the butt—and still consider themselves completely straight. Meanwhile, American porn actors will permit all types of cock contact, as long it happen in a woman's mouth or other choice orifice, and men at home will beat meat to this, and both consider themselves completely straight. (I know I do!)

Like the movies discussed above, Big-Ass She-Male All-Stars (Evil Angel) features exceptionally good-looking men (whoop-de-doo) but relies too much on the novelty of its trannie stars (who, like Blue's studlets, never cum on themselves—the money shot is never well spent). In its best vignette, Patricia Arau'jo shows off her bubble-butt, squeezed into jean shorts like grapefruits in a sock, on a soccer (they call it football!) field. Wandering into a restaurant's empty kitchen to wash her hands, two beefcakes spot her from the other room and initiate this week's lone subtitled exchange. "Why are you wearing that top?" one sneers, referring to her fishnet halter. "Because I'm a whore. A REAL whore."

As he begins manhandling her (so to speak), she shouts at him to stop and turns away angrily. "I want to see your ass!" he wittily rejoins, as if anyone flying over South America could miss it. The other man then grabs her wrists, holding them to her back, and orders her to "suck [his] cock." In short order (this is a kitchen, after all), she's on all fours on a table —wearing only her aforementioned blouse and fabulous fishnet stockings with leopard-print rings around the top—taking both guys in the ass at once, without even the courtesy of a reach-around. (That's a real drag.) But eventually she gets hers, in their ends. What a funky lady.

Blue Pictures, 15041 Calvert Street suite B, Van Nuys, CA 91411,

Evil Empire, 14141 Covello Street 8C, Van Nuys, CA, 91405

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