Ugly Chicks!

Along with missives analyzing gay marriage, addressing something confusing about Ground Zero real estate, and flattering our theater critic Michael Feingold ("Thank you for your honesty and passion"), the Voice recently published a letter from Roxy Blaze, in which the Chunky on the Fourth of July star pointed out that, in the scene "with a girl licking the picture of Saddam Hussein," I'd misidentified her as Lisa Sparxx. Blaze also wrote, "I really think reviewers should be a little nicer to those of us who have the guts to show our naked bodies after gaining weight in out thirties. Five years ago I was a cute, thin rocker chick working in all the rock clubs in New York." (Four years ago, Dom DeLuise ate all the rock clubs in New York.)

Roxy's right—it takes guts to show one. (As does allowing yourself to be referred to as a "hook-nosed heifer" by porno producers.) I apologize for confusing Lisa Sparxx with Ms. Blaze—sometimes my honesty and passion get in the way of accuracy. And while I'm at it, I'd like to clarify my position on fat chicks: They're A-OK, as long as you're not sitting next to them on the subway! But let's put these weighty issues and flowery sentiment aside and focus on this week's admittedly related topic: busted-ass babes. Do you ever look around and realize just how butt-nasty most people are? Do you ever wonder what it'll be like to be in your thirties, when the cute rocker chicks—indeed, all chicks—you once knew have become deeply unattractive? Ever studied Sandra Bullock's shaven-ape face?

Well, then you know what to expect from these busted-mug flicks, which I hand-picked (gingerly, from the corners). Butt 'Er Face (SkinTight) advertises the ugliness of its stars: "Everything's she's got is great . . . " Get it? No? "They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Well, prepare to gouge your eyes out!" Don't worry, there's no Oedipal theme here. Though I'm sure your mom's ugly. Anyhow, one wonders whether or not these actresses knew how they'd be billed. I mean, they're not Elephant Women or in the WNBA. It's possible they've gone through life without becoming completely crushed by self-doubt and lack of human companionship. Heck, I thought Summer Luv was great as dirt-caked trailer trash in Inside Shooters Vol. 2!

SkinTight producers Cram and Grip Johnson are sort of like the Farrelly Brothers of low-quality hardcore porn. Think of Butt 'Er Face as Shallow Hal without Jack Black conjuring Gwyneth Paltrow. Jaded porn addict Grip finds himself unable to get off to fakie-mama Briana Banks and so calls and asks a coke-snorting Cram to check the "Too Ugly—Do Not Use" actress file. Cram pulls out a folder on skinny blond Gena Regency, whose slatternly swaths of makeup have apparently given her a rash. She tries to seduce her boyfriend, who's rubbing one out to a porno mag. "You don't have to jack off, I'm here now," Gena, who's wearing a slashed vinyl top and a bandage around her wrist (what, was she attacked by a tiger?), says upon entering the room. "That's OK," her B.F. responds. "I'm almost done."

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Happy ending: B.F., after slapping her ass purple, proclaims Gena "so hot" and cums on her face. The vignettes all go this way. Giggly, youngish Aimee Tyler, who's at worst too thin and really just plain, distracts her B.F. from his "deadline" (story of my life) and eventually takes it in the eye. Only the aggressive, bat-like Frankie LaRue made me wish I were blind. (She's so stank I also wanted to lose my sense of smell.) This owes to her oval face, fringed by ratty hair and marked by a Madonna-squared space between her front teeth. "This bitch should be in a mall with a gap like that!" Cram proclaims delightedly. She does it with a guy in a cheerleader outfit, which doesn't make much sense, because she looks more like a hockey player.

"Real life fuckumentary" Loose Morals 3 (Visual Images) caught my unobstructed eye thanks to the bottle-bleached, silicone-scarred cover washup possibly named Vicki. Fake boobs are an insult to humanity, although they sometimes look nice under a tight shirt. But Vicki's partner cares more about feet—and "winking assholes." "They're cute," he explains. Cuter than Vicki's face, anyhow! (Nudge nudge, wink wink.)

Me Mo' Nasty directed Black Knockers Volume Eight (Toppers). 'Nuf said. Oh wait, I have a couple hundred words to go. OK. Shot in 1996 and apparently just released on DVD, this flick came out when Roxy Blaze was still giving it up to scuzzy CBGB's performers and patrons, or whatever she did when she was pretty. Chyna Dahl's beautiful, so I'll skip her. The double-wide Hot Chocolate isn't as bad as Mo' Wett, champagne-toasting star of a particularly gross disc I gave to a friend, but she's still no tall glass of water. She appears in a devil costume to reproach a man having a "jack attack"; "PINCH MY NIPPLES!" he bellows as she bares her teeth, each of which are separated by gaps as big as that store's selection of cargo pants. As for newbie Peaches, she must've hit every branch falling out of the ugly tree. Naw, only kiddin', she just has a big head.

The guys? They're all handsome!

SkinTight, 9145 Owensmouth Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311,

Toppers, 8955 Fulbright Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311

Visual Images, 9145 Owensmouth Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311,

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