Email Author Johnny Maldoro

2002 Stories by Johnny Maldoro

• Best of the Rest!

  published December 31, 2002

  Surely you know one: a poor gentile soul whose birthday falls close enough to Christmas that friends and family think one gift suffices for both.... More >>

• Best Porn Stars of 2002!

  published December 24, 2002

  If you're a last-minute Christmas shopper, as I am, and plan on giving the men in your life some of the free porn you've accumulated over the... More >>

• Mulholland Sex Drive!

  published December 17, 2002

  " 'Meta' is a liminal term these days, creeping more and more into everyday conversations," Laura Miller wrote last month in The New York Times... More >>

• Return of the Hose Beast!

  published December 3, 2002

  Haters harp on how The Sopranos overemphasizes man-on-woman violence and negatively stereotypes Italian Americans. They should pull up... More >>

• Animal House!

  published November 26, 2002

  It is time again to give thanks, holding in mind the gifts of corn and stuff that filled the settlers' bellies, and the settler-distributed,... More >>

• Hey Ladies!

  published November 19, 2002

  Let's be straight about this: I like penises. I like mine, and I like seeing 'em put to use in porn. They are big dumb motors for movement in the... More >>

• Suck My Tits, Mom!

  published November 5, 2002

  My professional obligations are many, and include: watching porn; writing about porn in the phat vernacular of today's youth; and keeping it up... More >>

• Grab Bags!

  published October 29, 2002

  Christina Aguilera is hands down the biggest slut in America. Have you seen the video for "Dirrty" (not to be confused with "Hot in Herre"), where... More >>

• Women on the Run!

  published October 22, 2002

  The rumors (sniff) are true: Dirty Pornos now appears only on the Voice Web site. Johnny Maldoro has become an Internet writer, no... More >>

• Where the Fat Women At!

  published October 1, 2002

  One recent, lonesome night at the seedy Chelsea Star motel, my childhood friend Eli decided to price out some escort services with numbers culled... More >>

• Stupid Gimmicks!

  published September 17, 2002

  The theme's the thing, they always say, and, say, what do you think that this week's theme is? I'll give you three guesses. Nope . . . sorry! . .... More >>

• Little White Slave Girls!

  published September 10, 2002

  Although I've done my best not to step on anyone's toes here at Dirty Pornos, changes are afoot. A panoply of expensive focus groups have... More >>

• The XXX Games!

  published September 3, 2002

  Intercourse is said to be the exercise equivalent of running two miles, a fun fact for pillow talk if ever there was one—and there have been... More >>

• Bush Sisters Exposed!

  published August 20, 2002

  Trimming my pubes gave me much more pleasure when I was using my ex-roommate's hair clipper (cheap bastard wouldn't pay for a haircut, never mind... More >>

• Sex and the City

  published August 20, 2002

  When I'm not skateboarding down the halls of the Voice with my sunglasses on, doing bumps in the bathroom, or pounding pud at home, you can... More >>

• Doing the Robot!

  published August 13, 2002

  My dictionary tells me that science fiction is "highly imaginative" and "typically involving some actual or projected scientific phenomenon."... More >>

• No Means Yes!

  published August 6, 2002

  Not! Well, maybe on Opposite Day “no” means “yes.” Then again, people’s weird dominant and submissive tendencies... More >>

• Skirts Who Squirt!

  published July 23, 2002

  We all have our treasured memories of late adolescence: trophies awarded, standardized tests aced, mountains hiked. Some of my dearest... More >>

• Mmm . . . Cum-Covered Dog Food!

  published July 16, 2002

  Spit or swallow? More than just another schoolyard chant directed at your precious daughter, the question suggests a rug rat's attempt to... More >>

• International Booty Call!

  published July 9, 2002

  Nothing beats buying porn in person. People's selections aren't reflected by the newspapers that they're carrying or the disc spinning in their... More >>

• It's an Interracial Gang Bang Thang!

  published June 25, 2002

  A free copy of the Voice goes to whoever can tell me what this line from The New Yorker's June 10 review of The Sexual Life of... More >>

• I Met Jenna Jameson!

  published June 18, 2002

  Actually, no. I didn't meet Jenna Jameson. But I was supposed to the other night at Spa. A publicist for porno titan Vivid Video, home to Jenna,... More >>

• Attack of the Hentai Clones!

  published June 11, 2002

  It goes without saying that Star Wars nerds rarely get to slip their wang-dang-doodles into moist spots, if only because they're too busy... More >>

• R. Kelly, Snoop, and Some Other Peeps!

  published May 28, 2002

  What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits until you're 12 before coming on your face. What's the diff between R. Kelly and a... More >>

• Spring Break Sluts Exposed!

  published May 21, 2002

  The next best thing to a wet burka contest is a wet T-shirt contest. Just ask someone who's witnessed both. But don't ask Osama bin Laden; he's... More >>