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2003 Stories by Johnny Maldoro

Archives: 2005 | 2004 | 2003 | 2002
  • Best of 2003!

    published December 9, 2003

    You were expecting the worst? TITLE: Grannies, Fatties, Pregnant Bitches & a Midget to Boot (Pure Filth). No midgets were... More >>

  • Crazy Sevens!

    published November 25, 2003

    This week Dirty Pornos is brought to you by the number seven. Featured in such film titles as Seven and The Seven Year Itch, the... More >>

  • Best Porn Directors!

    published November 11, 2003

    Billy Wilder, distinguished director of classic cross-dressing comedy Some Like It Hot, once said: "A director must be a policeman, a... More >>

  • So Fresh, So Clean!

    published October 28, 2003

    East-west beefs: Biggie, Tupac, the Dodgers—who else will be lost before the madness ends? I for one want no part cutting short the career of... More >>

  • Ugly Chicks!

    published October 14, 2003

    Along with missives analyzing gay marriage, addressing something confusing about Ground Zero real estate, and flattering our theater critic... More >>

  • White Trash Whores!

    published September 30, 2003

    Now, I know you're all probably wondering why my column was posted late this week. I have an excuse, and it's better than my normal shtick about... More >>

  • Authentic Japanese Bukkake!

    published September 16, 2003

    Criticizing porn may be making me rich, but believe me, the money (unlike the groupies) ain't easy. The intellectual vigor . . . world-historical... More >>

  • Consumer Guide!

    published September 2, 2003

    With personal faves piling up, I decided to dispatch as many as possible in the style of Voice rock critic Robert Christgau's long-running... More >>

  • Intro to Human Sexuality

    published August 26, 2003

    And are these follies going?/And is my proud heart growing/Too cold or wise /For brilliant eyes/Again to set it glowing?/No,—vain, alas!... More >>

  • Latinas!

    published August 19, 2003

    I'd like to borrow the immoral, er, immortal words of R. Kelly and dedicate this column to all my hot girls livin' fiesta and all my hot boys... More >>

  • Auto Erotic!

    published August 5, 2003

    I devote my bawdy prose this week to three fuck flicks linked in a specific way: Perverted Stories "The Movie" tells the tall tale... More >>

  • Grannies, Fatties, and Pregger Peeps!

    published July 22, 2003

    It was Freud who said a bunch of stuff I don't remember about sex and death. (Or was it some other cokehead I met in a bar? If only I could find... More >>

  • Rock 'n' Roll Chicks!

    published July 8, 2003

    Startsev was then introduced to Yekaterina, a girl of 18, who looked amazingly like her mother and was just as thin and good-looking. Her... More >>

  • Babes Ballin' Boys!

    published June 24, 2003

    The old ball and chain: We've all dragged one of those around. Some, taking vows, even allow it to pull them beneath the waves. Bondage isn't just... More >>

  • Mondo Bizarro!

    published June 10, 2003

    I have before me a list of stylistic tricks shared by two of this week's three weird flicks: ironic laugh tracks; breaking-news announcements;... More >>

  • Black Women!

    published May 27, 2003

    Ice Cube starred in Barbershop, Dr. Dre in The Wash, MC Ren and Eazy-E probably ended up in some home movies, but DJ Yella ("the... More >>

  • Pigs, Horses, and Homeless Peeps!

    published May 13, 2003

    Julia Child, Golden Girls, Phyllis Diller, the Olsen Twins: Why are we—as a "culture"—fascinated by "bad girls"? What, in other... More >>

  • Butt Bongs and Squirting Instructional!

    published April 29, 2003

    "I tasted it, too!" exclaimed Eli. . . . Oops, sorry, I'm skipping ahead to the end of this week's opening anecdote. Eli—the fan of Big... More >>

  • Ice-T, Too Short, and Some Other Peeps!

    published April 15, 2003

    The question is not whether you've wondered what type of 'ho your mother (girlfriend, sister, unborn niece) is. The question is, How often,... More >>

  • The Best Porno of the Year?

    published April 1, 2003

    "Call me a wet blanket," wrote professional funnyman Dave Barry in a recent column on sports, "but I don't want to know how another guy shanks his... More >>

  • Doin' It in the Butt!

    published March 18, 2003

    Oh! if instead of being a hell this universe had been but an immense celestial anus—behold the gesture I make, hard by my lower abdomen:... More >>

  • Transgender Peeps!

    published March 4, 2003

    Girls will be boys, and boys will be girls. It's a mixed-up, muddled-up, shook-up world—except for Lola. L-O-L-A, Lola. So never judge a... More >>

  • Times Square Trash!

    published February 18, 2003

    I'm standing in the elevator with two men, on my way to a Learning Annex seminar on how to shoot porn. Unsure of what floor it's on, I ask if they... More >>

  • Girlvert!

    published February 4, 2003

    "There's a certain kind of uniquely American girl," great American gonzo writer and horndog Terry Southern once said, "who comes from the Midwest... More >>

  • Sadists! Masochists!

    published January 21, 2003

    "I love fucking," the fucking lovely Brittney Skye informed me at the recent More >>

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