Email Author Johnny Maldoro

2004 Stories by Johnny Maldoro

• Reject Roundup!

  published September 7, 2004

  For every movie I watch out of the dozens streaming into my mailbox each week, there's at least half or three-quarters of every movie I pass on... More >>

• Republican Porn!

  published August 24, 2004

  In honor of the Republican National Convention—where a bunch of penises deliver masturbatory talking points, the sorority-slut Bush twins... More >>

• Fairy Tales!

  published August 10, 2004

  "This is my Behind the Music!" exclaims Ashley Blue in Cock Star (JM), which for the last week I've been watching in seven- or... More >>

• Abu Gag!

  published July 27, 2004

  You may think I have no shame, but technically, that's not true. I was raised Catholic. And in fact, there's some porn I won't watch. For one, I... More >>

• Lucid Dreaming!

  published July 13, 2004

  I haven't had as many wet dreams as I would like. Usually when I dream about "sex," hardly anything happens except a little French kissing, which... More >>

• We Love the '80s!

  published June 29, 2004

  We are now a country as guilty as the pagan Baal worshippers and Aztec worshippers who sacrificed children to appease their gods. Or so Steve... More >>

• Classics!

  published June 8, 2004

  Classic. It's a word that one associates with enduring works of literature, tail-finned land boats, powder-white throwback Nikes, and .... More >>

• Welcome to the Valley!

  published June 1, 2004

  We live in a world of branding. While cows may not like it, it has become central to capitalism, an intimate link between corporation and... More >>

• Ban Anal Creampies!

  published May 11, 2004

  You may know him from such films as The Best of the Sodomizer, Cumaholics, The Spankmaster, Bikini Bitches, and Yum... More >>

• Mothers I'd Like To . . . !

  published April 27, 2004

  The Sick Rose O Rose thou art sick! The invisible worm That flies in the night, In the howling storm, Has found out... More >>

• Jenna J. versus Bella D.!

  published April 13, 2004

  Porn isn't just wide-eyed newbies, dilated pupils, and gaping assholes. As recent events prove, the industry's actresses, actors, and even execs... More >>

• Webcam Girls!

  published March 30, 2004

  Don't get me wrong: the Internet's great—you should see the pizza crust touched by Justin Timberlake that I just bought on eBay. Thing is, I... More >>

• "Amateurs!"

  published March 16, 2004

  Before we beat off, let's talk about an offbeat, low budget flick my girlfriend asked me to watch. (She's not sold on the ones with... More >>

• The Passion of the Blonds!

  published March 2, 2004

  The Old Testament's pretty porny: so-and-so begetting this one, Abraham laying down with that one, Eve snaking it up. When God artificially... More >>

• Dirty Dancing!

  published February 10, 2004

  I'm gonna do my kind of dancin' with a great partner who's not only a terrific dancer, but somebody who's taught me that there are people... More >>

• S! M!

  published January 27, 2004

  Fuck the handbasket, Hell's coming to us. Just the other day I'm in the dentist's office waiting to have new platinum fronts fitted, and I... More >>

• Dirty Vegas

  published January 13, 2004

  Las Vegas—This could be the story of memories made and obliterated with alcohol; the story of Larry Flynt, proudly accepting an award... More >>

• Best Starlets of 2003!

  published January 6, 2004

  No doubt, Scarlett Johansson gives a "fine performance" in Lost in Translation. Her graceful, clear-eyed evocation of humanity's wrenching,... More >>