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2004 Stories by Johnny Maldoro

Archives: 2005 | 2004 | 2003 | 2002
  • Reject Roundup!

    published September 7, 2004

    For every movie I watch out of the dozens streaming into my mailbox each week, there's at least half or three-quarters of every movie I pass on... More >>

  • Republican Porn!

    published August 24, 2004

    In honor of the Republican National Convention—where a bunch of penises deliver masturbatory talking points, the sorority-slut Bush twins... More >>

  • Fairy Tales!

    published August 10, 2004

    "This is my Behind the Music!" exclaims Ashley Blue in Cock Star (JM), which for the last week I've been watching in seven- or... More >>

  • Abu Gag!

    published July 27, 2004

    You may think I have no shame, but technically, that's not true. I was raised Catholic. And in fact, there's some porn I won't watch. For one, I... More >>

  • Lucid Dreaming!

    published July 13, 2004

    I haven't had as many wet dreams as I would like. Usually when I dream about "sex," hardly anything happens except a little French kissing, which... More >>

  • We Love the '80s!

    published June 29, 2004

    We are now a country as guilty as the pagan Baal worshippers and Aztec worshippers who sacrificed children to appease their gods. Or so Steve... More >>

  • Classics!

    published June 8, 2004

    Classic. It's a word that one associates with enduring works of literature, tail-finned land boats, powder-white throwback Nikes, and .... More >>

  • Welcome to the Valley!

    published June 1, 2004

    We live in a world of branding. While cows may not like it, it has become central to capitalism, an intimate link between corporation and... More >>

  • Ban Anal Creampies!

    published May 11, 2004

    You may know him from such films as The Best of the Sodomizer, Cumaholics, The Spankmaster, Bikini Bitches, and Yum... More >>

  • Mothers I'd Like To . . . !

    published April 27, 2004

    The Sick Rose O Rose thou art sick! The invisible worm That flies in the night, In the howling storm, Has found out... More >>

  • Jenna J. versus Bella D.!

    published April 13, 2004

    Porn isn't just wide-eyed newbies, dilated pupils, and gaping assholes. As recent events prove, the industry's actresses, actors, and even execs... More >>

  • Webcam Girls!

    published March 30, 2004

    Don't get me wrong: the Internet's great—you should see the pizza crust touched by Justin Timberlake that I just bought on eBay. Thing is, I... More >>

  • "Amateurs!"

    published March 16, 2004

    Before we beat off, let's talk about an offbeat, low budget flick my girlfriend asked me to watch. (She's not sold on the ones with... More >>

  • The Passion of the Blonds!

    published March 2, 2004

    The Old Testament's pretty porny: so-and-so begetting this one, Abraham laying down with that one, Eve snaking it up. When God artificially... More >>

  • Dirty Dancing!

    published February 10, 2004

    I'm gonna do my kind of dancin' with a great partner who's not only a terrific dancer, but somebody who's taught me that there are people... More >>

  • S! M!

    published January 27, 2004

    Fuck the handbasket, Hell's coming to us. Just the other day I'm in the dentist's office waiting to have new platinum fronts fitted, and I... More >>

  • Dirty Vegas

    published January 13, 2004

    Las Vegas—This could be the story of memories made and obliterated with alcohol; the story of Larry Flynt, proudly accepting an award... More >>

  • Best Starlets of 2003!

    published January 6, 2004

    No doubt, Scarlett Johansson gives a "fine performance" in Lost in Translation. Her graceful, clear-eyed evocation of humanity's wrenching,... More >>

Archives: 2005 | 2004 | 2003 | 2002