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2009 Stories by Michael Musto

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  • The Reader 3? It Can't Happen Here!

    published Feb 12, 2009

    I already handed Hollywood a money-making idea by posting a hallucination about The Reader 2, in which Kate Winslet would play a blind Nazi who has to feel the faces of various people to determine i... More >>

  • The Worst Kinds of Lovers on Earth

    published Feb 12, 2009

    I've had them all, honey, and I've even BEEN them all, so I oughta know. Here are the lowest types of rock-bottom Casanovas and why they suck when they suck: *The kind that just lay there. Please! If... More >>

  • Half-Naked Hotties Make a Splash!

    published Feb 11, 2009

    Click here for this week's column--an overstuffed sandwich of tawdry, tempestuous gossip and personal opinions. Among the tasty highlights: *Come visit the hot new indoor pool party, where everyone... More >>

  • What Are The Worst Kinds of Kisses?

    published Feb 11, 2009

    Kissing is a delightful pastime that brings two or more people together into an act of lip-smacking joy--unless it's badly done, of course. And then it's the kiss of death! Here (from experience) are ... More >>

  • Who's Your Favorite Freak on TLC?

    published Feb 11, 2009

    Sunday night is TLC night, when that riveting channel learns you about all the oddities of nature who have triumphed over very difficult circumstances, as the camera zooms in on their heartbreak for y... More >>

  • A Crash Course in Why Sully is a Hero

    published Feb 10, 2009

    My man "Sully"--aka Captain Chesley Sullenberger--is lucky I wasn't on that plane he crash-landed into the Hudson because his un-sullied record of savings lives would have been way tarnished; even c... More >>

  • New Pool Party Brings Out The Cuties!

    published February 11, 2009

    There wasn't a dry thigh in the house at Drip, Lee Chappell, and Shequida's new Monday-night pool party at the Grace Hotel, with... More >>

  • Attention Fatties: Don't Wear Slimming Things!

    published Feb 10, 2009

    I just saw a plus-sized woman in a restaurant and it was clear that she was wearing a solid black tent dress because it's supposed to be marvelously slimming. And it's true, a loose-fitting black sh... More >>

  • How Should Chris Brown Be Punished?

    published Feb 10, 2009

    No one lays a hand on my girl Rihanna and lives to sing about it. So what apt punishment should we cook up for the unspeakable horror known as Chris Brown? I have some ideas, naturally:*Make him sit... More >>

  • Overheard Quotes in the Night

    published Feb 10, 2009

    These utterances are verbatim, folks--they were spewed in all seriousness by various partygoers and clubcrawlers--and it's my moral obligation to pass them on to you without comment. I mean without MU... More >>

  • Mama's Got A New Sweater!

    published Feb 09, 2009

    Credit: Photo taken at the Sunday night bash VanDam by Gerry Visco Remember the greasy, mysterious stains on the olive green sweater I wore to that pool party last week? Did they traumatize you into... More >>

  • What's Your Favorite Feud?

    published Feb 09, 2009

    The last month or so has been a goldmine of celebrity spats and tantrums, and I'd like to lay them out in order and let you decide which one sent out the most gratifying sparks of creepy confrontati... More >>

  • Some Burning Questions About Last Night's Grammys

    published Feb 09, 2009

    There were precious few awards presented on last night's Grammys, but there was a helluva lot of entertainment, and though some of it was downright bizarre (Stevie Wonder and the Jonas Brothers?), t... More >>

  • My Oscar Predictions For The World To See

    published Feb 09, 2009

    Here they are, boys! Here they are, world! Here's predictions! *Best Picture. Slumdog Millionaire. This is the biggest "duh" since Julia Roberts won. *Best Actor. Sean Penn for Milk. Mickey Rourke w... More >>

  • Kathy Griffin Asked Back on CNN!

    published Feb 06, 2009

    I was just sent a link to the HX interview with motormouth Kathy Griffin by editor John Russell, who deadpanned, "Apparently it's a towering achievement of faggoty journalism. Links and gratuitous a... More >>

  • Boy George Gets an Early Reprieve!

    published Feb 06, 2009

    My spies are telling me that drag rocker Boy George will be getting out of the slammer way earlier than expected. He'll be set free in April, it turns out. Was glorious George let out on good behavi... More >>

  • Piano Bar, The Movie!

    published Feb 06, 2009

    Last Call is a documentary about the dying art of piano bars, focusing a lot on Marie's Crisis, the basement West Village haunt where the sun will always come out "Tomorrow." Director Christopher As... More >>

  • Will Ferrell Scores a Nucular Hit

    published Feb 06, 2009

    Will Ferrell's Broadway debut, You're Welcome America. A Final Night With George W. Bush may not be high art; you know that starting with the pre-curtain announcement, "Enjoy the show. And go fuck y... More >>

  • Beyonce At Burger King? So Says Cazwell!

    published Feb 05, 2009

    Downtown darling and musical artist/promoter/DJ Cazwell is on his way to superstardom with his song "I Seen Beyonce At Burger King," the video for which has drawn 650,000-plus hits on YouTube and co... More >>

  • Just Say No To The Reader 2

    published Feb 05, 2009

    The holocaust has been an even bigger trophy grabber than ever this past year, so you just know Hollywood will find a way to do yet more crazily inspiring stories about Nazis with disabilities. How ... More >>

  • Catfight Alert: Faye Dunaway vs. Hilary Duff!

    published Feb 05, 2009

    I couldn't let the week go by without weighing in on the war between those two thesping titans, Oscar winner Faye Dunaway and crap star Hilary Duff. Faye recently mouthed off on the upcoming remake... More >>

  • Get Your Porn Star Name!

    published Feb 05, 2009

    I just found this kooky, crazy site where you put in your name, check off your gender (after thinking a second), and click the magic box, and without wasting a moment, they give you a wondrously sleaz... More >>

  • Liberace and Phyllis Diller: Two Different People?

    published Feb 04, 2009

    Two fluffy legends appear in the same room--even in the same frame--in this YouTube treasure: campy classical pianist Liberace and feathery standup comic/sitdown ivory tinkler Phyllis Diller, who is... More >>

  • I Took Montreal By (Snow) Storm

    published Feb 04, 2009

    I don't know any French except for "free trip," so when publicist Norah Lawlor invited me on a Quebec Tourism Board jaunt to Montreal, I totally understood and bit the bait. As you'll read in the co... More >>

  • Scenes From a Wet and Woolly Pool Party

    published Feb 04, 2009

    Credit: Jeffrey Eason Drip is a new Monday night pool party at the Grace Hotel which I'll be writing about in the next column from the perspective of the only one who refused to go in the water and ... More >>

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