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2009 Stories by Michael Musto

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  • You Tube Treasure: One-Legged Tap Dancer!

    published Jan 16, 2009

    I can't even dance with two legs--though I can kick some mean ass, no problem--but take a look at Peg Leg Bates, the tapping sensation who uni-leg-ally danced up a whirlwind that put the amp back in... More >>

  • In Praise of Drink Tickets!

    published Jan 16, 2009

    I live for drink tickets--those sassy little pieces of paper or cardboard which entitle you to a free cocktail. Alas, I didn't save any from the legendary clubs in the old days because I was too bus... More >>

  • YouTube Treasure: "Glory, Glory" Judy Garland

    published Jan 15, 2009

    Our country needs a pick-me-up song right now, and I think I've found it. It's Judy Garland's version of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," done on her 1960s TV variety show in order to inspire a di... More >>

  • Madonna and Lourdes Video!

    published Jan 15, 2009

    This offbeat little YouTube clip is a brazen, hairy spoof of the material girl and her material daughter, performed by people of varying genders and sizes. It's either spot-on hilarious or mean and ... More >>

  • I Hate It When People Are Coy About Their Age!

    published Jan 15, 2009

    My least favorite kind of invite is one for a birthday party where the host coyly specifies stuff like "I'll be turning 30 (again)" or "Come to my annual 35th birthday party, ha ha". That kind of cu... More >>

  • In Praise of the Less Attractive Siblings

    published Jan 15, 2009

    It's got to be rough to be the brother or sister (or even half bro/sis) of a star who's way more movie-star gorgeous than you are--but at least that scenario generally helps you build character. I'v... More >>

  • Which Half of Brangelina Will Oscar Snub?

    published Jan 14, 2009

    Click here on my new column and you'll find out which sexy superstar--Brad or Angelina--will get an Oscar nomination next week, since my inside source in heaven swears the deities have decreed that ... More >>

  • Baby June Can Still Entertain Us With Truths

    published Jan 14, 2009

    Who could be more relevant to the current Broadway scene than 95-year-old June Havoc, the woman who was the basis for the character of Baby June in the musical Gypsy, which just closed but which wil... More >>

  • The Gay Mafia Made Clay Gay!

    published Jan 14, 2009

    American idol Clay Aiken only became gay because "the gay mafia"--myself include--SAID he was and he obediently started to believe it. That's the contention of one poster on the "Pop Life" blog on T... More >>

  • Add Inches To Your Ding-Dong

    published Jan 14, 2009

    I was semi conscious the other night when I could swear I heard a commercial for Extenze, the badly spelled pill that supposedly makes men's woo-woos magically grow without surgery. My dick shrivele... More >>

  • Obama Used To Back Gay Marriage!

    published Jan 13, 2009

    It's true! The Windy City Times is reporting that when he ran for Illinois state Senate in 1996, Barack Obama went on the record saying he was unequivocally in favor of gay marriage. Not civil union... More >>

  • Shut The Fuck Up For The Quiet Party

    published Jan 13, 2009

    I detest loud people and in fact I don't trust anyone who barrels up to me at a club and starts screeching about their various projects in between singing snippets of radio hits and clanking their clu... More >>

  • Which Half of Brangelina is Getting Shafted by Oscar?

    published January 14, 2009

    The effect of the recession on the upcoming Oscar nominees is . . . absolutely nada! The toilety economy has had no impact whatsoever on which... More >>

  • What Can We Live Without In A Depression?

    published Jan 13, 2009

    We're all grimly paring down our spending budgets in the wake of the great new depression. But some things are way easier to live without than others. While I refuse to stop buying my weekly apples ... More >>

  • Biggest Celebrity Weight Gainers of '08

    published Jan 13, 2009

    Who packed on the most pounds last year? (Don't look at me. If I look a little chunky on TV lately, it's because the camera adds 35 pounds. And not where it counts.) Fortunately, Zone Delivery USA, ... More >>

  • What Do You Like To Call Your Vagina?

    published Jan 13, 2009

    Assuming you have one, of course. Do you just call it Vagina? That's a tiny bit cold, no? Perhaps you call it something like Marge or Francine or maybe Lady Peaceful or Queenie. And there's always t... More >>

  • What Can't The Internet Do?

    published Jan 12, 2009

    The Internet has become the de rigueur place where people do their reading, their greeting, and their buying, wiping out many other forms of interpersonal traffic with a mere click. But what CAN'T you... More >>

  • Bye Bye Bush, Hello Party Times!

    published Jan 12, 2009

    I'll tell you one party I don't ever want to go to again--the Republican party, ba dum pum! But now that Dubya is on his way back to the ranch, there IS a fun party to be had, one we can all throw o... More >>

  • Burning Questions About Last Night's Golden Globes

    published Jan 12, 2009

    *Was Steven Spielberg being sincere in saying that Marty Scorsese, who happened to be there presenting his award, was a huge influence on him? Anyone see traces of Mean Streets in E.T.? *Why didn't... More >>

  • People Love Their Dogs Too Much!

    published Jan 12, 2009

    Hollywood has gone to the dogs with movies like Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Bolt, Marley & Me, and Hotel For Dogs, and that's surely a reflection of the fact that anything involving shedding, four-legg... More >>

  • A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Film Forum

    published Jan 09, 2009

    What would I do without the fabulous revivals shown at Film Forum, the cerebral cineplex down on Houston Street? With nothing but down time on my hands, I've spent the last month there engorging on ... More >>

  • How Tacky Will The Inauguration Balls Be?

    published Jan 09, 2009

    I went to an inauguration ball long ago--SO long ago that I'm too embarrassed to even specify which President it was for. (All right, Millard Fillmore.) And I was amazed at all the glitzy, gawdy opu... More >>

  • How Adorable Was My Trash Talk On Countdown The Other Night?

    published Jan 09, 2009

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  • Why Laura Bush Isn't Making a Bundle on Her Memoirs

    published Jan 09, 2009

    Our first lady (tick, tick, tick) Laura Bush is penning her memoirs, and reports say she's getting a way smaller advance than the eight million whoppers Hillary Clinton nabbed for a somewhat similar... More >>

  • Where Do I Rank, Famewise?

    published Jan 08, 2009

    Hey, bitches: I have been rated the fourth most fabulous newspaper gossip columnist/society contributor in NYC, according to famegame.com. And don't say "What the fuck is famegame.com?" It happens t... More >>

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