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2009 Stories by Michael Musto

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  • The Most Appalling Types of Behavior in The Theater

    published Jan 08, 2009

    I am a total theater queen--in fact, my very first words as a newborn were "This time for me!"--but there are certain kinds of behavior that I simply will not abide from my fellow Broadway customers. ... More >>

  • My New Boyfriend Is Black and Doesn't Speak!

    published Jan 08, 2009

    Lonely nights are gone! I've got me a new lover and he's short, quiet, and only needs occasional rinsing. It's a Fleshlight, the rivetingly lurid device which looks like a flashlight--and it's fierc... More >>

  • Read What Perez Says About Anderson

    published Jan 07, 2009

    In this week's column [CLICK HERE], gossip gangstar Perez Hilton pauses amidst his wildly successful role as the new me to fork over some rumor he heard about Anderson Cooper and...well just click a... More >>

  • I'm Getting My Large Head Shrunk At A Comedy Club

    published Jan 07, 2009

    Want hot pokers shoved up your ass as you're forced to watch Drillbit in endless rotation? No? Well, then, I've got something (marginally) less hateful for you. It's a chance to see me not only do com... More >>

  • What's The Truth About Jett Travolta?

    published Jan 07, 2009

    The tragedy of Jett Travolta's death has been met with the expected din of eyebrow raising from anonymous web surfers who've had it in for Scientology in the first place. According to these armchair... More >>

  • What's Your Favorite Word For a Penis?

    published Jan 07, 2009

    And don't say penis! That's so coldly clinical even doctors tend to stay away from it. Here are some other possible choices: *Schlong. I like it, though it sounds a little Borscht Belty--like somet... More >>

  • Who Should Be In The Gilligan's Island Movie?

    published Jan 07, 2009

    Let's play casting director (and after that, let's play strip poker, if we still have time). See, the inevitable movie version of the '60s shit-com Gilligan's Island has been announced, and now the gl... More >>

  • Mariah Carey Coming To Broadway?

    published Jan 06, 2009

    British papers have announced that songbird Mariah Carey is in talks to present her life story as a Broadway musical, and though Mariah herself says this is the first she's heard of it, let's preten... More >>

  • Perez Hilton Dishes on Anderson Cooper

    published January 7, 2009

    Perez Hilton is not only the new me, he's a flamboyant provocateur who travels first-class between worshipping and sliming celebs as the world... More >>

  • What Is So Wrong With Regifting?

    published Jan 06, 2009

    Remember when First Lady Nancy Reagan was revealed to be a chronic regifter who once even gave one of her young relatives a toy that was already his? Well, maybe that went a little too far. You shou... More >>

  • Best Comment Made at Last Night's NY Film Critics Circle Awards

    published Jan 06, 2009

    Josh Brolin: "Great actor, Sean Penn. Great actor. Not an asshole like Russell Crowe." The second juiciest one--if rather bizarre--was Brolin saying he thought Ben Brantley was a "motherfucker" and... More >>

  • Facebook Freaks Are Still Trying To Get Me!

    published Jan 06, 2009

    A gang of Facebook fanatics--led by my soon to be EX friend Susan Anton, lol--are determined to see me get more fake friends, find greater chances for people to tell me they're at the ballet, and we... More >>

  • How Long Is It OK To Say "Happy New Year"?

    published Jan 05, 2009

    I HATE when people say "Happy new year." What does it mean anyway? That some arbitrary calendar system devised way before I was born suggests that we are now starting some ridiculous new cycle or ot... More >>

  • Is Scientology Really Worse Than Other Religions?

    published Jan 05, 2009

    A lot of antagonism has been built up against the Kabbalah and even more so over Scientology, throngs of people feeling these are "made up" religions without a lot of credibility or substance. But c... More >>

  • Things To Rule Out in '09

    published Jan 05, 2009

    As 2009 launches into full gear, it's imperative that we all hold hands, sing "Kumbayah," and say a prayer that the following things from last year won't pop up again and taint it.*Republicans blabbin... More >>

  • Kathy Griffin Says "Dicks" On CNN

    published Jan 01, 2009

    That very straight team of Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin had a lot of fun hosting New Year's Eve on CNN, with the help of Tom Cruise, David Spade, and a drag queen in a giant descending high hee... More >>

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