Best Tree to Climb to Spit on Tourists (2008)

Battery Park

I can deal with spiders, heights, and even tight, stuffy closets. But tourists drive me up walls. And trees. Near the dramatic copper sculpture of pilgrims and expatriates called The Immigrants in front of Battery Park's Castle Clinton, there's a sweet courtyard lined with trees. Luckily, each birch is adorned with branches low enough for even the least daring touristaphobe to ascend, meaning you can bring your friends. I prefer the one on the eastern side, closest to the sculpture. The leaves provide plentiful cover, and as the blundering folks take snapshots of themselves leaning on the tragic scene (and contemplating the last anti-immigrant initiative they voted for), there's ample time to cough up a plump wad and shoot. Take the 5 train to the Bowling Green stop or the 1 or 9 train to the South Ferry stop.


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