Alien Architecture (2008)

A frightened Gotham faces the invasion of the building snatchers

I've never been tense about a planetoid before, but now I am—what with its swing out of orbit and all. The Astor Place tower (Astor Place and Lafayette Street) is disguised to take power from the earth and impose world domination. Other new towers like the Time Warner Center (Columbus Circle) are in league. It started when aliens from another dimension, sad that they were running out of energy, came through billions of miles of space, infiltrated, and took over the soul of Stephen Ross, head of the Related Companies, which developed Astor Place and Time Warner. He was at lunch one day in the 1990s when his eyes started flashing, but he didn't know what was happening. It turns out the aliens were using his body as a receptacle.

Then he unknowingly took over the architect Charles Gwathmey just by looking at him, using his body as a receptacle. Between the two of them they built blue Astor Place. Now suddenly the aliens, hungry and desperate, are putting all these towers up that are not only sucking money from people, their designs are also removing oxygen from onlookers and slowing their movements and destroying their brain cells—especially the way Astor Place pushes up onto the sidewalk, as if to ask: Who are the rest of us?

Related Companies, their eyes glazed more than ever, said they're going to put up a tower like Astor Place at the Superior Ink factory site (West Side Highway and Bethune Street). You can tell these buildings are aliens just by the way they're made of mirrors so they can impersonate what's around them.

And poor Cooper Union! They're the ones who bought the Astor Place site for $677,000 in 1966. They are leasing the land to get almost $2 million a year that will partially support their scholarship fund—art, engineering, and architecture students never have to pay tuition. But Cooper Union had no idea its leasing was leading to world destruction. The administrators should seal up their professors and students in a sani-vault to keep them from contamination. Then they could spend more time building miniature models that would save the city and fight back and all.

The aliens are moving faster than ever now because their planet will die if they don't get more power sources. Only last night, Astor Place and Time Warner began breathing heavily like they had asthma, and started moving down the streets, their foundations pushing up and down like piledrivers, their bases crushing people.

Mayor Bloomberg felt terrible upon hearing that 1 Beacon Court (East 58th Street and Lexington Avenue), where he is renting 700,000 square feet of office space for his company's new world headquarters, is also an alien in disguise. He and his team arrived in flight suits in a jeep. He was heard saying, "What are you doing here? You have no business here." Later he said, "Turn that thing off."

Then he got the idea to drop a small bomb on any aliens. Not to blow the buildings up or anything; more like a bug bomb—"Stand by to ready missiles. Cover your eyes!"—just to keep the buildings in their places. But the bombs are just feeding the aliens energy and increasing their power. It's a mess. Beyoncé, in the Beacon Court building's penthouse, never dreamed this was going to happen to her. Her boyfriend, Jay-Z, said, "Baby, you've got to move." Then he sang "Can't Knock the Hustle." Barbara Corcoran, who just won the Nobel Prize for Real Estate, announced that all this was raining on her parade.

1 Bryant Park (42nd Street and Sixth Avenue), not even finished, looks like it's going to be alien too, with its reflective mirrorsides. The builders say they were inspired by the 1853 New York Crystal Palace, but who knows? This design looks more pointed, as if it could injure a cloud. Yet the building is reportedly the first commercial tower earning platinum-level leadership in Energy and Environmental Design status from the U.S. Green Building Council. So either the Green Council is fighting against the aliens or it's also been taken over.

You're probably thinking that the aliens would have their fingers in the Rose Center for Earth and Space (Central Park West and 79th Street) because they would feel at home with all the meteors and moon rocks. But surprisingly,they don't. Thank goodness, because it's a great building.

You ask about Donald Trump—I won't even get into that—and the design for the World Trade Center site. But since no one's sure which architect is responsible for the design, even the aliens are confused.

No matter what, though, scientists are working to apply the Appleberry Theory: Turn the energy of the alien buildings against themselves and/or make the bottom of the real estate market fall out.


All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >