Best Monkey (2008)


My friend BENJAMIN gets all the chicks. When girls see him in the street, he stuffs his face right into their breasts. They love it! Then—get this—he grabs their tatters with his little hands. The nerve. It makes me so jealous. "Don't worry, he's only a monkey," Benjamin's father says. (I can't tell you his name because Benjamin, like many other exotic animals, is illegal.) Still, it's not fair. Benjamin, a Venezuelan capuchin, does have one weakness, however. He loves smoke. It's like catnip to him. Burn a piece of paper, or, better yet, hand him a cigarette and he goes absolutely ape. He fondles himself. He drools. And then he puts the fire out with his own drool. What an idiot! So next time we go for a walk in Soho I'm gonna' bring him a pack of butts. Because then when the girls see what he does, maybe they'll realize he's just a stupid monkey after all.


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