Best therapeutic ass-whuppin' (2008)

Village Chinese Therapy Center

Ever wonder why painful tension in your neck lives on despite that weekly visit to the massage parlor or acupuncturist? It's because touchy-feely body rubs and pins in the eyelids don't cut it when your life sucks and you blame your boss and your spouse—and your boss again—for inflicting the pain-inducing stress that has you seized up like Quasimodo. Turns out what you really need is a good old-fashioned ass-whuppin'—we found it does wonders for the aches and pains of the self-pitying. For as little as $14 (and as high as $45), one of the shoulda-been-a-dominatrix masseuses over at the Village Chinese Therapy Center will chop, slap, and pinch (toss in a punch or two if you're really lumped up with tension) your woe-is-me butt back to reality and give you, as Mom used to say, "a real reason to cry." It's a scene straight out of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: An attractive, petite Asian chick suspended in midair—OK, impressively balancing on the edge of a massage table—delivers a chop to the shoulder blade so hard and precise your kidneys scream out loud. Then she jumps down—in slow motion—and starts wailing on your ass for what seems like forever. The scene fades to black, until she slaps you back to consciousness (just kidding). Funny thing, the spot offers both male and female body therapists, but it's definitely just the ladies who like to get all Shaolin and shit. The guys stick to the traditional body rub—what do they know? By the time the gals finish working you over, your neck will feel so good you won't believe you ever thought your boss had his foot on it.


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