Best Bar/Clubgoer To Hang With (2011)

The optimal club buddy

Going to a nightclub with the wrong person could turn a night of potential ecstasy into a noisy sampling of the eternal damnation of hell. To make sure things stay gleeful, the optimal club buddy needs to play by the rules, regardless of gender. Here are the absolute "don'ts" they must heed in order to be a worthy plus-one: They should . . . refrain from continually reminding you what time it is. Avoid saying banal stuff like "Having fun?" Resist becoming slobberingly drunk—within the first 20 minutes, anyway. Avoid dropping names or lenses. Stay away from making out with every person in the room, especially when there's no reciprocity. Refuse to let out unprovoked yelps and screams at odd moments. Allow you some private time during the evening, when the time is right. Avoid long talks with other friends they run into, without introducing you. (You don't want that much private time.) Stop going to the bar and coming back with one drink. And mostly, they should not pass out at the end of the night, leaving you to figure out how the fuck to get them home alive.


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