A Message to All Those Annoying Telemarketers

You know: The ones who call at the oddest, most inconvenient moments—usually in a perky, taped message—to chirp on and on into your machine about some scammy and/or useless service you never asked for but suddenly become prisoner to in excruciating detail. As they blab endlessly about this must-have piece of shit product, your internet disconnects, your hair stands on end, and you become desperate to pick up the phone and start insanely yelling at an automaton. If I ever lost it and did so, here's what I'd say to these unforgivably intrusive pests:

Rachel, from Cardholder Services. I want you to take that card you're so proud of holding and swipe it up your ass so hard your butt bleeds and everywhere you walk you're slipping on red diarrhea.

Bob, who calls over and over to lie about his incredible mortgage offer: I want you to shove that two-incher of yours so defiantly up Rachel's ass it provides a stopper for all the streams of liquids too unaesthetic to mention. Don't have any interest in this (even the 3% interest you absurdly promise)? Well, sorry, fella, you'll have to keep it in there until we can lock it in, as it were—then, when it finally re-emerges and you need someone to make it all fresh again, I want you to call...

Jeff, the carpet cleaning guy! He says he can get out the worst stains imaginable and for very little money!

Thanks, you guys, and feel free to call again. I'm off to beat Alison from Account Services with a stick.

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