A run on New York City's banks -- with guns. A run on sex manuals -- with guns in your pockets.

Tell me it's a coincidence that five banks were robbed in New York City in a single day, while banks overall reported rare quarterly losses.

Even the New York Times notes the eerie connection.

You mean that all-time schemer Bernie Madoff isn't the only crook in town? (See above video, because it's the last time you'll be hearing his Ponzi pitch.)

Even with 40,000 cops, the NYPD doesn't have enough crimefighters to round up all of the city's crooks. They didn't even nab Madoff; the goniff's sons turned him in.

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So which crooks do you think the NYPD is scrambling to arrest: the common criminals who robbed other people's banks or the Wall Street investment bankers who robbed their own banks?

In other crime news, Fox notes that if you let your fingers do the talking — that means all of you — you're getting ripped off. From the Murdoch channel's "Text Rip-Off? Pricey Messages 'Cost Virtually Nothing' to Carriers":

In 2008, 2.5 trillion messages were sent from cell phones worldwide, up 32 percent from the year before, according to the Gartner Group and reported by the New York Times. But, what also rose in the last three years was the price — doubling from 10 to 20 cents per message while the industry consolidated from six major carriers to four.

Speaking of getting fucked, the New Yorker reviews the new edition of The Joy of Sex.

Don't grab your partner or your box of tissues yet. Anticipation is part of the pleasure, so for now, keep both hands on the keyboard and click on the following items ...

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

N.Y. Post: 'BONEHEADS CALL COPS ON SELVES'

New Yorker: 'Shaggy-dog Story: Upper West Side dog-napping terror'

Jewish Daily Forward: 'In Gaza Campaign, Israel Seeks To Change the Rules of the Game'

N.Y. Daily News: 'Ma charged with slaying son: I homeschooled to spare boy fat taunts'

A mother accused of beating her obese 10-year-old son to death told officials she homeschooled the boy to protect him from teasing and abuse, sources said.

N.Y. Post: 'DON'T LET IT HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT: JETS BOOT COACH AFTER TURBULENT TENURE'

N.Y. Times: 'M.T.A. Gives More Details on Possible Fare Increases'

Gawker: 'Tom Cruise's Bomb-Proof Car Also Repels Thetans'

N.Y. Times: 'In Housing Fall, Breaking Up Is Harder to Do'

With homes worth less than their outstanding loans, some divorcing couples are battling not to get the house.

N.Y. Post: 'Grinch In Gift Pinch'

Note to good Samaritans: In New York, when looking out for one's fellow man, it is wise to also look out for one's luggage.

New Yorker: 'Laura Bush shops a memoir'

N.Y. Post: 'FURY AT DAD'S BIG LIE'

Furious family members are horrified that a Holocaust survivor concocted a story that the girl who became his wife saved him from starvation by tossing apples and bread over a concentration-camp fence.

Ken Rosenblat, the son of Holocaust hoaxer Herman Rosenblat, said he knew of the lie "for many years" but couldn't stop his 79-year-old dad from spreading it.

Wall Street Journal: 'Airlines Grab Cash Amid Crunch'

U.S. airlines are enjoying surprising success raising money, despite being largely unprofitable and saddled with poor debt ratings.

N.Y. Daily News: 'Eric Mangini's end with the Jets began with Brett Favre's arrival'

Jewish Daily Forward: 'Even With Aid, Groups Scramble To Cope With Post-Madoff Mess'

New York: 'That's a Whole Lot of Fanny Packs: 47 million tourists visited New York this year'

N.Y. Review of Books: 'Drug Companies & Doctors: A Story of Corruption'

N.Y. Times: 'Meteorite Strikes, Setting Off a Tsunami: Did It Happen Here?'

Geologists have collected evidence indicating that something very big occurred in the waters near New York around 300 B.C., but convincing other scientists has been an uphill battle.

Jewish Daily Forward: 'Kosher Industry's Woes Reach a Poor Village in Guatemala'

N.Y. Daily News: 'She's no whiz with words'

Caroline Kennedy, who gave a flurry of media interviews on Friday and Saturday, revealed some cringing verbal tics that showed her inexperience as a speaker, experts told the Daily News.

Wall Street Journal: 'Afghan Roadside Bombings Rise Sharply'

N.Y. Post: 'ISRAEL'S "WAR TO THE BITTER END"'

Jewish Daily Forward: 'No Longer in Power, Free To Talk, Neocons Seek To Rewrite History'

Gawker: 'Like Uncle Teddy, Caroline Kennedy Doesn't Know Why She's Running'

N.Y. Times: 'Five Banks Are Robbed in Single Day in the City'

New Yorker: 'DOING IT: A New Edition of The Joy of Sex'

Jewish Daily Forward: 'Will Subway Riders Take a Stand?'

Wall Street Journal: 'Banks to Post Rare Quarterly Loss'

Banks and savings institutions in the U.S. appear headed for their first overall quarterly loss since 1990.

Jewish Daily Forward: 'Beyond Rick Warren's Invocation'

The Orthodox Union's Nathan Diament has some advice for Barack Obama. Writing in the New Republic, Diament -- the OU's public policy director -- urges the incoming president to do more than offer religious voters symbols, like an inaugural invocation by Rev. Rick Warren. Obama, Diament writes, has an opportunity to advance policies that are important to religious voters -- and he can do so without sacrificing Democratic Party principles on issues like abortion, gay rights, and school vouchers.

To that end, he suggests that Obama support programming aimed at reducing the number of unwanted pregnancies; ensure that religious schools and social welfare agencies can continue to receive federal funding, regardless of their policies on homosexuality, and make federal grants available to parochial schools expanding their pre-kindergarten programs or greening their campuses.


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