Art School Sluts!

Because my brother just finished his first year of art school, and because I may be dragged to the theater to see Art School Confidential, it now seems appropriate to review Eon McKai's Art School Sluts (VCA). (Who says this column isn't timely or relevant? That's right, keep walking.) Art School Confidential concerns bored crit-addled students pursued by a serial strangler; Art School Sluts concerns bored crit-addled students pursued by a professor who likely strangles his cock to thoughts of paint-splattered co-eds. (Despite him being nauseatingly unattractive, I strongly identify with the man.) Actually, the prof appears in just one scene, with Katja Kassin (from now on, click on names for pics), who pulls off the whole art school slut thing despite being dressed for a rave, and probably, generally speaking, better off in the role of an Eastern European spy. The cock strangler fucks Katja in front of the whole "class"--a group of civilian hipsters who cast an awkward, watching-porn pall over the proceedings. I kept wondering if they're thinking it's "cool" to appear as an extra in a porn. The environment most certainly is not--the prof sweats so heavily he drips all over Katja. Definitely not cool.

But the movie has worse problems. McKai leaves in the bits where actors struggle with their lines (and I mean struggling; you'd think they were real art students judging by their inability to read off of a sheet of paper), which I found so goddamn cute I was reaching for my small-gauge rifle. There's a crap scene where Sin Serious (I believe) meets a mohawked Beavis who laboriously ties her up, thinking he's a real prize, then simply undoes the ropes, squandering the little tension they'd built, and has some other guy come in and fuck her missionary style, apparently because his STD test "hasn't come back yet." I hesitate to even call this pro-am. Keiko, who I loved as a cock-gobbling sub in Throat Gaggers #6, and stars here, is convincing as a college slut because there's more curiosity to her than raw sexuality, and she dresses like she's headed to the cafeteria rather than a porn shoot. Her and Felix Vicious have an improptu threesome with a fellow student--after dancing to drum'n'bass, implausibly (and hilariously) enough. (The whole soundtrack is passe glitchy dance music, in fact. Practically gave me arrhythmia.) She also dreams of crashing a car with the absolutely precious Lili Anne, then bumping donuts on the wreckage. That's the first scene, and a taste of things to come.

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