Best . . . Breasts . . . Ever!

It's the little things. 1 Lucky Fuck #2 (Platinum X) really gets the details right, from the use of the phrase “ball snot” on the back of the DVD box--as in, “These sluts suck multiple dicks then get fucked while their faces get glazed with ball snot”--to the whole concept of the movie, to wit: A few guys get a gal's throat snot running, gag-o-rama style, then when her makeup's completely ruined, she wipes the saliva from her eyes, looks around, and chooses one of these men to put it in her heretofore unopened pussy, at which time the men start unloading their BS on her face. The “one lucky fuck” dick-loogies last. This is really something different. When have you ever seen a gonzo in which the woman gets to choose anything? That she's actually assessing the men--choosing one she likes, or at least prefers over the others--fascinates me. And it's only when director Jake Malone asks them to pick do the ladies actually seem to check the men out. All but two study the men one by one, and then make an informed decision. One already seemed to know who she was into. The other wanted them all to sink it the pink. (According to the box, “A couple of these whores insisted on fucking everyone!” Maybe I missed one.) There's not much to make of the choices--the gray-haired old guy, surprised and pleased to be chosen; one generically attractive type--but that Christmas-morning moment of the women looking up from the floor at their options really has some charge to it.

Of course, I'm biased to care more for the director's choice of women then the women's choice of men. I can't fault Malone there. Layla and Tiger I can't show you because--well, you Google image search “Tiger porn” and see what you come up with. (By the way, in my Googling I stumbled upon this impressive gape. Enjoy!) Amber Rain pic)? Belle-issimo! Crissy Cums (pic)? A little big-knife-between-'er-boobs scary, but hot! Myah Monroe (pic)? Bridge-and-tunnel adorable! It gets better. The remaining women all have simply fantastic large tits. I was, as I suspect of many guys, a tit man before I was anything else. Ass man, long-hair man, bald-pussy man, crooked-teeth man, love-handles-forming-graceful-arcs-above-tight-jeans man--those personaes all came later. This movie reminded me that, deep down, in some essential, ultimately unknowable way, I am and always will be into gazongas. Gianna (pic)--mwah.Sophie Dee (pic)--shluuuuurp. Velicity Von (pic) . . . Velicity's adorable. Her tits are astonishing. Totally natural in the sense that they don't seem to be defying gravity or anything--they're not squint-for-scars 19-year-old perk bombs. You can picture yourself pulling off her bra, and her tits settling just so. Pink, healthy looking nips slipping into view. Her tits are an argument for the nudity that laddie mags so effectively skirt, and most porn so cynically foregrounds. And damn do they look nice with baby oil slathered on 'em. Turns out it's the big things after all.

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